Decorating
Posted on Thursday, March 13, 2008The old house has gone very scruffy.
Very.
Scruffy and dirty and just plain messy. Very fucking scruffy and it’s all my fault: I admit it.
It’s dirty.
Well, it isn’t actually dirty in the sense of being unhygienic, but it looks bad on the outside, you know? The paint is peeling and those horrible black fucking stains are starting to spread across the walls. Damn! I’ll have to do something about this real soon. I’ll have to power-hose the whole lot and re-paint it, but Jesus, that’s a big job. A big bastard of a job.
Now, before you start laughing and pointing, let me just remind you that I’ve been involved in a major refurbishment for the last three years and I’ve done much, including the construction of a new kitchen by hand, but this painting business defeats me.
I’m not good at painting. I’m just not. I’m messy and careless and I charge head first at things that more sensible people stand back and consider. I rush into these things and make a complete shit of them.
I am a bad, bad painter. Bad. I have many skills, some of them very interesting indeed. Some of my skills would set your spine shivering if you had the chance to examine them up close, but painting is not among them.
I am a terrible painter.
Is there anyone out there who might take pity? Would anyone just come along in the middle of the night, power-hose the entire house, prime it and paint all the outside walls from top to bottom while I’m still asleep?
Anyone?
Hmmm. I thought not.
___________________
Previously:
I Wish I Was a Singing Billionaire Like Robert Plant and Then I Wouldn’t Have to do DIY
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March 13th, 2008
I’ve heard of a guy who has mates like that, some of the best mates you could ever wish for, give him houses and moneys and all sorts of stuff and never ask for anything in return. Lives in Dublin I think.
Can’t for the life of me remember his name though.
March 13th, 2008
One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house answers. “Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I’m very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting…”
“Painting?” the woman jumped in.
“Oh, yes, Ma’am! Im a very careful painter,” the man replied, his face brightening at the realization she could provide him some work.
“I’ll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, but we haven’t had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him. Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I’ll pay you an extra bonus.”
“Oh yes, Ma’am, I’ll do an excellent job!” He was told the paints were also around back in the garage. A few hours later, the man returns to the door.
“That was quick, did you do a good job?” the woman inquires.
“Oh yes Ma’am, two coats! But there’s something you should know,” the man says.
“That’s not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!”
March 13th, 2008
Since returning to Ireland, 2 of the 4 places I have painted I did at night while their owners slept.
It’s always fun to see people get up in the morning and find their living quarters transformed - everything moved, covered and returned while they slept.
March 13th, 2008
I was very successfully NOT thinking about the state of the paint/pebbledash until you posted this. Damn it all to Hell, who appointed you the conscience of the DIYing classes?
March 13th, 2008
While this post is up..
Does anyone know if its possible to put a catflap through a doubleglazed patio door?
March 13th, 2008
Sorry ODonor, I don’t think it’s feasible. I looked into it in a previous home and instead ended up taking out one of the bottom two panels of an eight panel wooden door and replacing it with a section of strong ply in which I’d mounted the cat flap.
There is a way to put a passage through a block wall with flaps on the external and internal walls. Lots of work though.
March 13th, 2008
Thats what i thought..
Thanks Conan..
I guess the temporary flap into the shed will have to do them for the time being then..
March 13th, 2008
They are selling power washers in lidl next monday looks like your best bet, paint it green for the weekend :)
March 13th, 2008
I, on the other hand, love painting and am reasonably good at it. However, given the exchange rate between the USD and the Euro….well, let’s just say won’t be flying and don’t fancy a long and cold swim….
March 13th, 2008
Sure,
Post your address and I will come and spray paint your house at night. Just make sure you close the windows…
March 13th, 2008
O’Donor: It wouldn’t be that hard to put a cat flap in your wall though it depends how your house is constructed. If it’s an old stone house, you have a lot of work ahead of you, but if it’s block or brick, it’ll be easier. You could use a concrete saw, but you’d have to overcut the opening. I’d recommend using a long 10mm masonry bit to drill a series of holes forming the outline of the cat flap. After that, you can simply knock out the hole using either a masonry drill or with a chisel by hand. My own preference is always to use machinery where possible.
If it’s a timber-frame house, you’re laughing.
I’d recommend closing off the cavity with a water-resistant board, to provide your moggie with a simple route through and also to prevent any other small furry tourists getting into your walls.
March 13th, 2008
Mr Donor: I accidentally deleted your reply, but as I recall, it was something about your Missus and gin-persuasion.
March 13th, 2008
ugghhh painting. I worked as a painter a few summers. I have renovated 2 houses and I took great delight in paying someone else to paint.
March 13th, 2008
yep bock: i was saying that the missus might not be too hot on knocking Bricks out of the walls,but a bit of Gin Persuasion goes a long way..he he
March 13th, 2008
ill do it, in all seriousness, im in art college, they taught me how to paint, even houses, and I actually dont mind painting houses at all, did all ours at home, ill do it, but it will cost ya!! :) :) seriously tho, email me if you want a job done :)
im broke, ill do anything… well not anything, but ill paint ur house :)
March 13th, 2008
Well I was just looking around for the tractor but I don’t see any which is funny because the last time I heard a group of men talking about a 10mmm masonry bit and sections of strong ply, they were standing around a tractor, one of them was my dad and I didn’t have a clue what they were on about then either.
I’d have the place Eolaid, Bock. You could set him loose on your walls with his imagination, some painting essentials and regular cups of tea. You’d have the wildest, most finely decorated house in Limerick. You’d be a landmark. And you know he’s got this thing for walls.
March 13th, 2008
Power-washing’s cool.
March 13th, 2008
I’d love to give Eolaí the job, but I’d be afraid. Also, the Bockschloss hangs off a precipitous Felsklippe and I’d worry for his safety. After all, he’s a damn nice guy.
March 13th, 2008
I’m not that nice; you should see me in the shower.
March 14th, 2008
Thanks for putting that picture in my head.
March 14th, 2008
Painting is a huge pain in the ass. Mr. M ran his own painting biz in university and is quite patient and good at it in the interior. When he chose to paint the exterior of one of our houses, he fell off the ladder on the roof and broke his thumb.
While I watched, horrified.
Pay someone else to do it, Bock.
March 14th, 2008
As you know, I met Mr M, and I was deeply impressed by his calmness and forbearance.
Do you think Mr M might be prepared to fly from Canadialand to here and paint my house in the middle of the night?
No. I thought not.
March 14th, 2008
My friends don’t ask me to help paint anymore. I get more on the ceiling than on the walls. I don’t ‘cut in’ well at all. I slap it on and call it a day. A pity really.
March 14th, 2008
I’m great at paintings things black! I painted the front door black and it fell off. I have also been known to hammer copper :)
Do you fix gates? that fell off as well :)
March 14th, 2008
I had to fix a gate during the week after the storm blew it down. I only found out when I saw my dog on the road savaging the neighbours.