Bertie Ahern’s Resignation Statement — First Draft

Here’s an earlier draft of Bert’s resignation statement.

________________

I HAVE been privileged to rob serve my community, my party and our country for many years in public life. In that period, I am proud to have made a fortune from shady businessmen contribution to an unrivalled era of buying houses for myself and my girlfriend peace, prosperity and progress on this island.

Any dodgy money I made achievements I have accomplished I share with the many people who have stood with me and behind me. I am grateful to so many people who have over the years given generously of their dollars and British pounds in cash time and effort and shared my commitment to making a quiet buck public service and building a moneymaking Party machine fairer, stronger Ireland.

At the outset today, I want to thank a gang of rich paddies in England my family, who from the earliest stages supported me and always encouraged me throughout my life of sleaziness journey in public life.

My motivation for entering politics in 1977 was to cream as much cash off the top as I possibly could represent the people of my constituency; throughout my political life my greatest honour has been to represent them in Dáil Éireann. I have been elected 10 times in those 31 years by my blind unthinking tribe of followers the people of Dublin Central. I want to give special thanks to the lads who arranged all the money for me my constituency organisation. Their unprecedented commitment and friendship has never wavered. They have come with me, to Manchester United matches through good times and bad times, they collected the cash after the dinners and for that I am very grateful.

Today, I thank all of those who have put pressure on businessmen to bail me out canvassed for me in election after election. I particularly recall the dead guys that the tribunal can’t question, thanks be to Jesus,  those friends no longer with us but whose money memories will always stay with me.

Today I also want to say that I am caught humbled to have been entrusted for over a decade with the great responsibility of leading our nation. The Irish people are innately gullible decent  and I have been privileged to fool serve them and to enjoy tremendous support. I especially wish to acknowledge all those people who took the time to pay me pray for me, to send me brown envelopes Mass cards and letters of goodwill. As a political leader, I always took huge amounts of money great encouragement and solace from such support.

In November 1994, I was elected leader of Fianna Fáil, a bunch of crooks the Republican Party. This was for me and my family a chance to make a fortune from dodgy developers an extraordinary honour. To follow in the footsteps of Haughey, de Valera, Lemass and those other giants of this nation’s history was both a daunting prospect and an historic opportunity to make a huge pile of dosh.

Almost 14 years on, I am today Ireland’s richest second-longest serving Taoiseach and the crookedest second-longest serving leader of Fianna Fáil.

I believe the secret of Fianna Fáil’s enduring success is rooted in out-and-out gobshitery the quality of people that we have as public representatives. I have been delighted privileged to work with idiots patriotic and decent colleagues and I will always be grateful for their stupidity  the faith they placed in me.

I want to thank the lads in Manchester all of my Fianna Fáil ministerial colleagues, our parliamentary party and all our shuffling drones councillors for their incredible stupidity support, overwhelming greed  loyalty, and most of all their abject fear of me friendship which has sustained me throughout my period as Uachtarán Fhianna Fáil.

Beyond our elected representatives I also want to pay tribute to the members of the Fianna Fáil National Executive and our party members in every cumann across the length and breadth of this country for whom I have total contempt a lasting respect. These gobshites ordinary patriotic men and women have given me and the lads a great laugh been an inspiration to me. Their utter inability to see through me commitment and loyalty to our party is absolutely beyond cretinous unmatched and I believe was a decisive factor in last year’s general election.

Election 2007 demonstrated how easy it is to fool people Fianna Fáil’s continuing strength and vitality as a bunch of crooks national movement. I want to thank the tens of thousands of zombies members and activists up and down the country for delivering that historic success.

I am laughing my arse off proud to be the first Taoiseach since 1944 to be elected on three successive occasions.

On the day I took over as leader of Fianna Fáil, I needed more money pledged to lead our party back into government and keep us there.

I said then that I would strive to build up our economy. That was bullshit.  Today Ireland is up to its neck in debt more prosperous than at any time in our entire history. All levels of Irish society have seen their borrowings increase massively wellbeing dramatically improved in the period I have served as Taoiseach.

Above all else, I promised that day that the priority I would put above all others would be to work for peace on this island. I kept my word and I have given my all to that cause.

Through drinking thousands of pints and boring the arse off the unionists painstaking negotiations, colossal work has been done in laying the foundations of sulking reconciliation and justice between the communities in Northern Ireland. The cycle of hatred and violence which many people thought might never end has been disguiseed long enough for me to get a big job in Europe well and truly broken.

The Good Friday agreement now provides the political framework for an island that can at last pretend it respects Paisley achieve its full potential. This week and next week, many of those who a decade ago played a role in negotiating that historic accord will gather to stab each other in the back reflect on the work which was done and the progress which has since been made.

In preparing for the events to mark this anniversary of the Good Friday Agreement, I’ve obviously reflected back on the road we have travelled from discord to peace, from distrust to partnership and from despair to a new prosperity, North and South. I have also taken this opportunity to figure out how I’ll get a lucrative job take stock of my own position.

At the end of this month, I will visit Washington to address the Joint Houses of Congress. It will be a deeply embarrassing moment for the entire Irish nation a great privilege to become only the fourth ever visiting statesman to have addressed both Congress and Westminster.

For me, this will be one of the most cringeworthy proudest moments of my political career.

In looking back on all the things I wanted to achieve in politics, I am pissed off at getting caught proud that as Taoiseach I have taken the credit for bringing delivered on my objective to bring the peace process to fruition; delivered on my objective to see a stable administration based on the powersharing model take root in Northern Ireland; delivered successive social partnership agreements which disguise the waste  of ten years’ unprecedented revenue underpin our social and economic progress; rode an international economic wave delivered a modern economy with sustainable growth in employment and fooled people into taking out gigantic mortgages brought an end to the days of forced emigration; and waffled on about delivered on my objective to improve and to secure Ireland’s position as a modern, dynamic and integral part of the European Union.

As leader of Fianna Fáil, I am proud too that I have proven that you just can’t trust Fianna Fáil ended the myth that Fianna Fáil is incapable of sustaining a coalition government. I have lied to led the two longest-serving coalitions in the history of this State. I have also laid the foundations for another disaster long running and successful coalition government which has the capacity to run a full term. I have utter contempt the utmost respect for John Gormley, Mary Harney and their respective parties who continue to act like grovelling peasants work hard to deliver a strong and stable government and implement our agreed programme for incompetent mismanagement government. I also wish to acknowledge the bribes I gave to steadfast support from Independent deputies who have supported me in government for a price.

Just as duplicity stability is important in a coalition government, it is even more vital within a political organisation. I always said that there would be no bastards questioning my word room for factions in Fianna Fáil under my leadership and I am proud today to lead a crowd of cowering dogs strong and united party.

A corrupt strong, united party with a grip on the throat of working within a cohesive government underpins stability and means loads of tax-free cash for myself and the lads the primary focus of government is on money performance, not on any other external distractions.

It is a matter of real concern to me that I got caught the important work of government and party is now being overshadowed by issues relating to me at the Tribunal of Inquiry into Certain Planning Matters and Payments.

The constant exposure of my crookedness barrage of commentary on tribunal-related matters has and I believe will continue to dominate the political agenda at an important point for our country. We face uncertain economic times and challenges and we are soon to cast our vote on the Lisbon Treaty.

My The vital interests of Ireland demand that I cut a deal with someone the national dialogue of our political system address these fundamental issues and not be constantly deflected by people finding out what a crook I am the minutiae ? of my life, my lifestyle and my finances.

The decision I am announcing today - like all other decisions that I have taken in a lifetime in politics - is solely motivated by self-interest what is best for the people. I have been trying to wriggle out of this reflecting on pursuing this course of action for some time.  If I don’t quit, the vultures will eat me.  This is solely a personal decision by Brian Cowen and Micheál Martin. I have no doubt that a simplistic analysis will correctly suggest that my decision has been influenced by most recent events at the tribunal. What I announce today is completely inspired by fear the desire to get out of this trouble somehow refocus the political dynamic in Ireland.

Recent developments have frightened the shit out of me not motivated my decision. For the record, I state today that I got caught badly nothing could be further from the truth. I look forward to finding a way to fool the tribunal  comprehensively dealing with these matters at the tribunal and escaping robustly refuting any imputation against me.

I first sought election to the office of Taoiseach on the pledge that I would put people before politics. That was complete bullshit.  I haven’t kept that promise. I have never always placed the interests of the Irish people above my own. Therefore I will not allow issues relating to my own person to be found out dominate the body politic as this would be contrary to my long-term interests the long-term interests of the Irish people.

I want everyone to believe this shite understand one truth above all else. Never, in all the time I have served in public life, have I failed to put my personal interest ahead of the public good. I have served this country and the people I have the honour to represent in Dáil Éireann when it suited me honestly.

I have obfustact ofbusicatacted obfasticated abfustoc bullshitted and hidden provided more details about my personal finances than any person in public life who has ever held office.

While I will be the first to admit that I have got caught made mistakes in my life and in my career, one mistake I have never made is to enrich myself by misusing the trust of the people.  I did that on purpose.

I have never received a small corrupt payment and I have never done anything you’ll find out about to dishonour any office I have held. I know that some people will feel that some aspects of my finances are unusual. I truly regret that anyone found out about my dodgy money deals if this has caused any confusion or worry in people’s minds. All of these issues arose over twenty years in a period when my family, personal and professional situations were totally sorted out and in the past rapidly changing and I made the most money best decisions I could in the circumstances in which I found myself. I know in my heart of hearts that I can make some people believe I have done no wrong and wronged no one.

I look forward to taking revenge on these bastard lawyers the completion of the tribunal’s work and I am confident that when it reports, the tribunal will find that I am a total crook have not acted improperly in any way. Equally, I will not allow issues concerning myself or my finances to divert attention from getting the top job in Europe the important job of government at hand. I believe it is in my the best interests of the Government, my party and most importantly the people of Ireland that I start slithering out of this jam set out the time-frame for my departure from office.

It had always been my intention to review my position as Taoiseach and leader of Fianna Fáil in the aftermath of next summer’s local and European elections. But now that Gráinne Carruth has totally screwed me having reflected on the need to ensure that the work of my ministerial colleagues is not distracted from by incessant publicity about the tribunal, I have decided of my own volition to bring forward the date.

I will complete my story duties over the course of the next month and, following on from my arrest in America for murdering the English language return from the United States and the state visit to Ireland by that fuckin Jap eejit the prime minister of Japan, it is my intention to kill Des O Neill tender my resignation to President McAleese on Tuesday, May 6th. On that date, I will also tender my resignation as Uachtarán Fhianna Fáil.

In the meantime, I will continue to lie through my teeth discharge my duties as Taoiseach to the best of my ability, and to work as hard as I have always done to make idiots out of everyone secure the continued peace and prosperity of the island of Ireland.

Stumble it!