Bertie Ahern: I Won It On A Horse!

What does Bertie Ahern have in common with every low-life drug-dealer, scam artist, con-man and crook when asked to account for his money?

He won it on a horse.

So at last we know. Bertie, why didn’t you tell us this all those months ago and we wouldn’t have given you such a hard time?

Oh Bertie, Bertie, what the fuck were you thinking? Why didn’t you just tell us and we’d have understood?

Poor old Gráinne Carruth would have been spared all the trauma of cross-examination, and I wouldn’t have been calling you a slithering fucking liar.

Oh dear God.

Enough of this nonsense. Today’s Mahon Tribunal is one of the funniest yet.

You might remember all the money that went into Bertie’s accounts, which Bert claimed was just cash he lodged from his pay cheque and dig-outs, and cash he found up a drainpipe, and a bag of money a crow dropped on his head one day while he was cleaning the chimney, and a pillow-case of used bills he found in a public toilet and a vast inheritance he got from his uncle Vladimir, a Russian oligarch. And a load of swag that grew on a bush in his garden.

But definitely none of it was converted from sterling. Not a penny. None at all. And Bert allowed Gráinne Carruth to go into the witness stand, and undergo stern examination in his defence. (This was the secretary who received less salary in a year than Bertie lodged in his children’s bank accounts). And then the nation gasped as Gráinne broke down and admitted that, yes, it was actually sterling after all, and Bertie had kept it in his safe.

So how did Bert explain all this to the tribunal today?

Well, you see, he was planning to buy an apartment in Manchester and he changed various amounts to a total of about £12,000 with a businessman called Tim Kilroe. (Tim, incidentally, joins a long list of dead people Bertie dealt with in these matters. People who can no longer talk for themselves).

Bert wanted to build up a pile of English money, you see, to buy this apartment. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering why he couldn’t just go to an English bank with his Irish money, but that’s not how things happen in the Bertieverse. Unlike you and me, Bert had to be constantly going around with bags of cash. Unlike you and me, he couldn’t just save up and take out a fucking mortgage. Christ, no.

Anyway, he kept this money in his safe, and eventually decided not to go ahead with the purchase, so he got Gráinne to put it in the bank for him.

When asked, he agreed that this money must have been part of the £15,450 he lodged in his own account and the accounts of his two daughters. That came to about £12,000.

And the rest of the money?

Horses, said Bert.

What the fuck? said the Tribunal.

Horses, Boss. I musta won it on the horses.

Fuckin horses! Bertie had enormous wins on the gee-gees. Damn!

That explains everything.


Also: Bertie Ahern

15 thoughts on “Bertie Ahern: I Won It On A Horse!

  1. Did the Tribunal inquire as to what horse he won it on, the race and the odds? People would remember all these things upon winning £8,000. Especially in 1996.

  2. And bookies obviously don’t keep records of their transactions. Handing out stg8,000 in 1996 must have been an twice hourly occurrence back then.

    And knowing the generosity for which they’re renowned, the Bookie in question probably forgot all about it by the next day. “Eight grand to a little snipe with a Jackeen accent and grubby Man united anorak….won it ‘ere on an ‘Orse…..yistirday, you say?…may be, you Oirish all look the same to me, mate! and I pay that anyways for ‘orf a pound kippers for me lunch and an ‘oliday in Benny-Dorm, I do, you write that down now, won’t you”

    Surely a paper trail exists………now if only he could remember which bookie it was and where was the shop…..or was it at the racetrack?…..and da horse’s name was……fuck me I have it !

    Bertie got that idea from an old “Fawlty Towers” episode.

    Why do I get the feeling that the Bookie, too, has expired, like so many of Bertie’s benefactors, perhaps he too has seen the light! Is there anyone who gave the most cunning and devious of them all money still breathing?

  3. I genuinely thought that when we all laughed at the “won it on a horse” defence that Eoghan Harris put forward back on the Late Late that we would never hear of it again. Instead it seems Bertie took our laughter to mean we thought it was plausible and so it’s back.

  4. As in “Senator” Eoghan Harris, Dan…. he really said that ?, this is funnier than a Mr. Ed episode.

    Which reminds me, didn’t Caligula make his horse a Senator too. Just hope he was as obedient to his master as Eoghan is to his.

    Step aside GUBU…here comes Bertie on his pony at 10 to 1.

  5. The prick is drip feeding the tribunal with information each time he’s caught out , but what about Celia? She’s just as smug/guilty as him . Here’s a paralell lives scenario: When all this shit was happening back in the bad old days, I was on the dole. If you were stuck for a few bob, a friend would float you a tenner and say ” give it back to me when you can”. No written record, not expecting it back.
    Just like Bertie organised for Celia! Then, when the shit hits the fanny, she pays it back . But he gives her the money to pay it back? I wish my bank manager would be so obliging. And on a side note. Have a look at photos of Bertie, Celia ,Haughey, Flynn(father and Daughter), They all have the same shape mouths! All the better to lie with!!

  6. I spent $500 on a wild afternoon with 2 “ladies” a couple of weeks ago and when the wife asked where the money went to I happily told her I’d lost it on the horses. Works both ways I reckoned.

    Funny, she didn’t believe me for some reason or other.

    My mouth must be the wrong shape although I never had any complaints up ’til now…

  7. That’s grand, all honest and above board as we had all suspected (!) We never needed to have mistrusted him after all, there was always an innocent explanation (yeah right!)

  8. So he broke his leg lately was he riding the horse and fell off or did the contents of one of those brown envelopes fall on it mmmm.

  9. Why didn’t Bertie have a word in his friend Peter Robinson’s ear? This could have saved all the trouble with Iris’s 50K; she could have won it on a horse and it was also in sterling pounds. Loads of precedent here.

    Just goes to show that we are much better developed politically down south. Devotees of the TV series The Wire and those who have grown to love State Senator Clay Davis will easily identify Walking About Money. The Northerners can’t hold a candle to the lads down south.

    Just a thought: I bet Bernie Madoff regrets he didn’t run his scam from Dublin. He would still be walking the streets.

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