Keeping Track of Your Bank Account
Posted on Thursday, June 19, 2008I don’t know what you’re like, but I’m the worst in the world at minding my money.
At any given time, I have exactly no idea how much is in my account. No clue whatever. Not a notion.
This is a disgrace and I know it. This is something a man of my advanced years should not be confessing, but I have to tell someone, so I’m telling you. I haven’t a fucking clue how to handle money.
You know how some people are: down to the final penny. They know to the very last doughnut they bought how much cash they have in this earthly world. How is that done? How? How the fuck is that done?
I was talking to my beloved daughter this evening, who seems to share this disastrous gene with me, and she remarked that it doesn’t matter how much you make in a month, or how much you spend. You still end up with the same overdraft. See? Genetic echoes. That’s me talking twenty years ago.
What am I saying? That’s me today.
I need a manager.
I don’t know what my balance is. I never know what my balance is. I go to the ATM and I enter my PIN, and then I hold my hands over my eyes and hope for the best.
Oh sweet Jesus, please let there be money for drink.
(A prayer, you have to agree, that’s a bit rich for a complete unbeliever like me, but there you have it).
I never know how much money is in my account and I don’t care as long as there’s enough to pay for groceries and enough to fund a night on the town whenever necessary. Oh, and enough for Leonard Cohen or Tom Waits. And enough to go and see Munster winning the European Cup.
Simple needs.
But fuck it, do you remember the old days, when ATMs had one of those boxing gloves on a spring?
Hello, there. I’d like some money please.
Certainly. Just key in your number.
All right. Here’s my incredibly secret money-giving-number. 1234. There ya go.
Thank you. Please wait. Clickety-click. Clickety-click. Clack. Ka-clunk. Clickety-click.
I’m waiting. Shakin’ the bush, Boss.
Thank you. Please lean closer to the screen.
Okey dokey. Where’s my money?
BANG!! An automated fist springs out of a flap in the from of the cash machine. Fuck you!! You have no fucking money in your account you fucking loser. Fuck you!!
Do you remember those days? I sure do, and perhaps I’d still be going through them if I wasn’t so incredibly old.
See? Age has some benefits, though not many. It sure as hell doesn’t bring wisdom, let me tell you.
Stumble it!
June 19th, 2008
I once had an ATM give me $100 more than I asked for and the bank claimed that couldn’t happen so I kep the money. It seems the bank doesn’t know where all their money is either.
But remember, this only happened to me once in a lifetime. I’m guessing that’s not a very good financial strategy.
June 19th, 2008
Dunno. It worked for me this long.
June 19th, 2008
Sing it brother.
But I’m the one now, who needs to keep our joint shit together.
But that said, I remember those ” you’ve fuckall left and no place to go” messages.
Bless their mercenary robbing bastard cuntin hearts, all fucker banks.
June 20th, 2008
I had no bank account for over 5 years.Twas great.money under the matress and bills paid through the post office.I always knew how much I had/didnt have at any given time.Now I have an account,atm card,overdraft and no inkling what in the name of Christ is happening to my beer fund, all topped off with a liberal sprinkling of bank charges.Bastards.
June 20th, 2008
stop whinging, aren’t we lucky we live in an era of hard cash, what would we do in the time of barter, go the atm then, input your pin and duck as two chickens and a goat come flying at you, a punch in the head would be a blessing in those days.
June 20th, 2008
Leonard Cohen and Tom Waits are cleaning me out between them this summer.
They’d better give the performance of their lives or I’ll be backstage waiting with a baseball bat.
June 20th, 2008
And you thought you never have anything in common with Bertie??? (kidding)
June 20th, 2008
I dont know how you live like that Bock. Having spent the first 22 years of my life without any decent money worth mentioning, I have since managed my funds so that I never have a “shit, no money for drink!” moment. Although, since I got married and now have several dependents, my autonomy in these and other matters is gone, along with most opportunities to go drinking.
One thing I have never done, and will never do is pay ANY interest on credit card transactions. I begrudge them every penny, hence have a direct debit to pay them off before any interest accrues. Which forces me to watch what I have in my current account. This type of begrudgery can be very constructive, it forces you into a certain financial discipline. Turn your life around Bock with constructive begrudgery.
June 20th, 2008
I know. It isn’t easy being me.
June 21st, 2008
Let me preface what I’m about to say with the confession that as a mother of darling teenagers (especially the one in Uni), I just can’t even guess at how much might be left in the pot each week.
Here are a few tips for your finances though, Bock:
1. Open a no fees current account e.g. PermanentTSB. Get your salary put into that current account. Careful of some banks claiming to offer free banking, but have conditions attached and fine print trickery.
2. Start online banking, then you can see exactly what you have.
3. Pay off your credit card every month on time. Do it online 3 days before it’s due. Set that all up when you set up your online banking.
4. Sit down and do the sums on what comes in every week and approx what goes out, and finally what’s left for “fun” and for saving (even a little).
5. Set up direct debits for all of your bills and for your savings account.
6. Open a savings account e.g. 21 day saver account with PERMTSB or a Tracker account with NIB or First Active. Best rates for money on demand with the last two - recently anyway. (Careful of Bank claims - some are claiming 5%, but the fine print will tell you different). Send money to this savings account each week / month via direct debit. Make sure it’s a no fees current account you’re direct debiting from, or you’ll be fleeced by the Bank for each direct debit.
7. Only have one credit card - avoid Bank charges.
8. Check your account at least once a week.
9. Forget about it - let 1-8 take care of your money.
How does that sound? It will only take a few hours to organise. Once you set it up, it’s easy.
Tell me how you get on.
June 21st, 2008
Thanks Mairéad. Luckily, I have so much money it doesn’t matter.
June 21st, 2008
“One thing I have never done, and will never do is pay ANY interest on credit card transactions. I begrudge them every penny”–EssoDee
I’m the same. I pay it off every week or 10 days. I begrudge them any extra pennies.
Mind you, the bank virtually turfed me out of the branch when they found out I was online. I reckon they were saving on staff. So I started banking online and, since I’m at this yoke nearly every day anyway, it’s easy to log in and check the balance, pay bills, etc. I’ve nearly forgotten what to do in a branch …
The funny thing is (and I’m not exaggerating) I can’t remember the log in numbers unless I’m sitting at a keyboard. Anyone could lock me in the like of ‘Gitmo’, and I’d be stuck for the numbers unless they sat me at a keyboard and said “log in”. Then my fingers do it by instinct. I wonder is that ‘normal’.
June 21st, 2008
Lucky you, Bock :-)