Saint Paul’s Letters

Saint Paul’s letters.  What’s that all about?  This fucker never stopped writing letters, did he?

We have Saint Paul’s letters to the Romans, First Corinthians, Second Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, First Thessalonians, Second Thessalonians, and the Hebrews.

As if that wasn’t enough, he also wrote to First Timothy, Second Timothy, Titus and Philemon.

Do you know what he was?  That’s right.  He was a fucking spammer.  If Saint Paul was alive today he’d be one of those bastards you put on your banned list.

Hello There Nice gentleman!  I am Paul from Asia Minor, and I represent Mister Jesus Christ.

The funny thing is, they tell you all about Saint Paul’s letters to the Romans, First Corinthians, Second Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, First Thessalonians, Second Thessalonians, and Hebrews, but for some strange reason, they never tell you about the ANSWERS.

Why is that?

Why don’t they ever read out the replies to Saint Paul from the Romans, First Corinthians, Second Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, First Thessalonians, Second Thessalonians, and Hebrews?

Will I tell you? It’s because they all say the same thing in Latin, Greek, Turkish and Hebrew: fuck off and leave us alone you fucking gobshite.

And why don’t they ever read out the letters between the Corinthians and the Ephesians?

Howya.  Did you get a letter from that Paul arsehole?

Yeah.  We sent it back.  Address unknown.

Yeah?  Good idea.  He’s giving us a pain in the arse.

Us too.  Who the fuck is he?

Dunno.  Some religious spammer.

Arsehole.

Yeah.

How is it that they always tell you about Saint Paul’s letters?  How come you never see Saint Paul’s postcards to the Romans, First Corinthians, Second Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, First Thessalonians, Second Thessalonians, and Hebrews.

Hi guys.  Here in Krinides.  Hope you’re keeping well.  Weather lovely.  Not many crucifixions.

Seeya soon.  P. xx

Thank fuck he died two thousand years ago.  Imagine having to put up with Saint Paul’s emails to the Mexicans, Cajuns, Romans, First Corinthians, Second Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, First Thessalonians, Second Thessalonians, and Hebrews.

Or worse: Saint Paul’s Blog.  We’d have to put up with the bastard every year in Dublin at the blog awards.  While we attempt to enjoy ourselves and get drunk, here’s this fucker lecturing us about our evil behaviour and trying to put the women in their place.

Hmm.  Rending limb from limb, I suppose, would be his saintly fate.

17 thoughts on “Saint Paul’s Letters

  1. I ______________* the way your mind works sometimes.

    (*= any of: admire, like, am bemused by, am scared shitless of, am worried my mind will one day work, wonder about, think it’s great, should probably report, am jealous of, laugh out loud at)

  2. You think that’s bad, have a look at the Acts of the other lads. Talk about judging a book by its cover.

  3. heh, i think Eddie Izzard covered this topic before with a line like

    “what kind of arrogant fucker sends a letter to an entire civilisation?”

  4. Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind’s filthy ways. Jesus says he’s going to pop down to Dublin Bay to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it’s used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves.

    Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water… but soon the water is up to Paul’s chin. “Master,” he calls, “I will follow you anywhere, but I’m up to my neck in shitty water and I think I’m going to drown.”

    At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. “Well,” he says, “why don’t you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?”

  5. I’m doing quite serious stuff here, but every so often I think, “St Paul the Spammer” and I grin to myself. Isn’t it great to have someplace that does that for you?

  6. Bock; 7.25 !! Just think, in a thousand or so years, they (?) might just be quoting Bock’s posts to the Multitudes!!

  7. Wonder what the postal service was like in saint paul’s day. I expect it was mostly donkeys. Naturally too I’d say that if the post office DID deliver on their ‘Next Day’ promise that the crowds would be out celebrating – waving the leaves of the palm tree and all that………

  8. Oh Bock you are of course going south for this one. I disassociate myself from all of this. I’m not even writing this email to you. God’s hand is guiding me, that’s all. And God’s voice in my ear just now is saying ‘Tell him there’s a letter- no, you clown, I said Letter – on its way to him from Big P.’ When they said repent did you not wonder what they meant?

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