The Secret life Of Walter Blitzen
Posted on Wednesday, July 9, 2008Pocketa-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa went the old forklift.
… and one more thing, Blitzen!
Yes Sir, Mr Snood?
When you’re finished stacking those shelves …
I’m on it, Mr Snood. I’m stackin’ those shelves.
Will you listen to me, boy? I said, when you get done with stacking those shelves, you make sure to put away the box.
Sure will, Mr Snood. I sure will. I’ll put away the box, Mr Snood, Sir.
You see that you do, said Mr Snood, as he pulled the warehouse door shut behind him.
Oh I will, Blitzen assured him. I’ll make sure to put away the box. Sure I will, Mr Snood. Leave it to me.
As the door swung shut, and darkness fell, Colonel Buck Blitzen of the 7th Airborne IT Cavalry narrowed his eyes and strode into the command bunker.
I’ll put away those goddam Bocks, General. Me and my men will take ‘em out before the cocksuckers know what hit ‘em. Just give the order.
Old General Snood cowered in the corner of the sandbagged dug-out. No, Blitzen. They’re all around us. It’s no good. Sound the retreat.
Blitzen could hardly believe his ears. General? Surely you mean “Advance”.
No, Blitzen. I mean retreat. Flee.
You mean Advance.
No. Flee.
Advance!
Flee!
Blitzen’s lip curled in contempt as he rounded on his cowardly commanding officer.
You, Sir, are an arsehole. Those boys out there are waiting for your orders. Those boys would die for you, and I’m not going to let them down.
As you were, Blitzen, shouted the General. I gave you an order.
Blitzen pulled himself up to his full eight foot seven inches. Maybe you did, Sir, and maybe when this is all over you can have me court-martialled, and maybe you can even have me shot, but I’m gonna stand four-square with my boys against those Bock bastards, and if we die, at least we die like MEN!
Blitzen paused. Like men … Sir, he added, not bothering to disguise the contempt in his voice.
Pocketa-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa came the beat of the rotors as his squadron of Apaches thrummed overhead. The boys were ready. Off in the distance, rockets pounded the Bocks’ positions, forcing them to retreat. Blitzen chewed on the end of his cigar as he scowled at the horizon.
We’ll put away the Bocks.
Pocketa-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa went the rotors.
Blitzen!
We’ll put those bastards away.
Pocketa-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa
Blitzen!
It was Mr Snood. Did you put away the box?
Oh, sure Mr Snood. I’m just doing it now. Sorry for the delay, Sir. Sorry.
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With gratitude and apologies to James Thurber
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Previously
PC World Employee Attacks Customer For Complaining
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Elsewhere: You, Sir, are an arsehole
Stumble it!
July 9th, 2008
I’ve been following this avidly. Tis hilarious. I worked in customer service for a long time, and it’s true; only when you work in CS do you see the truly ignorant. That said, customers are not ALL arseholes.
And besides; if you spent all your time worrying/reacting to all the arseholes you meet in life, you wouldn’t have much time for anything else.
If Blitzen is truly as young as you say, then he may drink a pint of KopOn. Talk about sucking up to the Man.
July 9th, 2008
Heh,
Pure evil, and a welcome return to some of your fiction sir!!!!
July 9th, 2008
Ha! This is a work of genius, Bock. I’ve really enjoyed following this story. I hope the moron hasn’t got you too riled - not worth it.
Then again, if it’s your anger that’s creating this comedy, then I’m all for it.
Go Blitzkrieg! Ahem, I mean Blitzen.
July 10th, 2008
yeah this is funny……hahahahahahaha you are a very bad man mr bock…
July 10th, 2008
That’s very cruel of you, Manuel. You’ve cyber-hurt my cyber-feelings.
July 10th, 2008
I can’t wait for the ‘Blitzen’ movie to come out later this year. I hear that Rowan Atkinson is having his arse waxed for the lead role. Its to be an action musical about a spotty young upstart with multiple personality disorders, who overcomes his inability to find his arse with both hands. The part of Bock is to be played of course by Colin Farrell.
July 12th, 2008
Very fucking funny well done
October 20th, 2008
Legend!
I started following this today. Hilarious.