Just when you think you’ve seen it all, damn me but don’t they go and invent something so clever you just have to push your John Deere cap to the back of your head, move the dust around with your toe and mutter Shucks!

I’ve just realised there’s been a general theme of violence here over recent days, and so I thought, why not bring you something utterly violent and at the same time utterly ludicrous?

Have a look at this.  See what you make of it.

That’s right.  It’s a knife, but it isn’t just any old knife.  No indeed.  I wouldn’t like to be stabbed with this knife, though of course, at short notice, I don’t know if I’d like to be stabbed with any knife, but this one in particular holds a special dread for me.

Why?

Well, you see, when the Special Forces assassin stabs you with this weapon, he doesn’t just twist it in the traditional evil villain method any more.  Not at all.

Instead he presses a small button, and guess what happens.

Go on.  Guess.

Yes?  No?  Not sure?

Ok. I’ll tell you.  The knife injects a high-pressure cloud of frozen gas the size of a basketball that instantly turns your heart, lungs, liver, lights, guts, spleen, and kidneys into one solid block of frozen dead person.  It then blows you to bits.

What?

Yup.

Here’s a cutaway picture of the Wasp knife and you can see the little cylinder of gas embedded in the handle.  Clever, eh?

Have a look at this video.

You can see how handy the Wasp knife would be around the kitchen or at barbecues.  Never again worry about cutting that melon in half. 

The manufacturers think this knife will be a great advantage for divers when a shark attacks them, and if they happen to be running cross country in their flippers and facemasks, they can also use it to kill any bears they bump into.  Then, in a moment of pure inspiration, the makers think about it some more, and they realise that it could also be useful for killing human beings.

Here’s the list of people they think  are suitable to have a Wasp knife:

Special Ops Troops (Land or Sea)

Downed Pilots Stranded In Open Water or Remote Forests

S.W.A.T. and Special Police

Security Guards

Got that?

Right.  Now, on reflection, I reckon I can live with the idea of Special Ops having it.  After all, they’re going to kill you one way or another.  And I always had a soft spot for downed pilots.  You couldn’t leave them defenceless.  SWAT and police?  Well, why the hell not?  After all, they’re blowing people away already, as we’ve seen in the last week or so in Silverton, Oregon.

But then we get to security guards and I start to think, Wait a minute!  What the hell is this?  Are you saying that the fat unshaven bastard lounging outside the supermarket in an ill-fitting button-popping shirt is getting a knife that can blow me to bits?  This is considered a suitable weapon for security guards?

What the hell kind of planet do these people live on?  In what demented, violent universe did somebody think it was a good idea to sell such a weapon to security guards?  So I check, and suddenly it all makes sense: there’s the logo.

Why am I not surprised?

While I’m at it, here’s something equally ridiculous.