Is there anything more annoying than a vegan?
Well, yes, actually. Now that you mention it, there is. Vegan parents are more annoying.
There was a case recently of a 12-year-old girl admitted to a Glasgow hospital with a degenerative bone condition caused by the lack of calcium. According to the hospital, this child’s spine was in a condition they’d expect to find in an 80-year-old.
It’s belief, you see. More bullshit. The parents’ beliefs are more important than their children’s welfare. That’s why adults, who grew up on a diet of milk and cheese and fish and meat, and who have developed strong and healthy bones, feel entitled to deprive their infant children of all these things. It’s their belief, and that makes it all right, even though what they believe in is a load of old bollocks.
It’s their belief, just like the nonsense that is homeopathy, a non-science that believes water has a memory. These charlatans dilute your medicine until it can no longer be detected in the water, and then they tell you that the water remembers what was dissolved in it. Now, all water is as old as the planet and has had everything in the world dissolved in it at one time or another, but somehow it only remembers what the chancer wants it to remember.
What the hell is this obsession we have with belief, and why do we give a special place to some beliefs but not to others? Why did we agonise when two Jehovah’s Witness parents wanted to prevent their child having a blood transfusion? Why didn’t we just arrest them there and then for trying to endanger their child? Throw them in the slammer and give the child to a family who’ll take proper care of it?
I don’t know. We said, it’s their religion!
So what if it’s their religion? So what? Religion or not, it’s still insane. Why the hell are people entitled to switch off our sanity button by invoking their religion?
I’m going to wear a bag over my head while I’m in school.
No you’re not.
Yes I am. It’s my religion!
Insane. It isn’t my problem if some old guy in the desert a thousand years ago decided you have to wear a bag on your head. It’s your problem for swallowing such horseshit. Get over yourself!
I don’t give a rat’s arse what delusion you believe in. Your delusion isn’t a licence to behave like a total gobshite.
I’m a Scientologist and I believe an alien from Venus lives inside your head.
You can’t say that.
Yes I can.
You’re oppressing me! I’ll set 43,000 lawyers on you!
I think we’ve reached the quota for lunatic beliefs now, and if you want to start a new lunatic belief system, you’ll have to wait until one of the old ones is extinguished, like a pub licence. That’s why the majority of sane, rational people in this country will laugh at Jehovah’s Witnesses, but happily go on believing that a man in a skirt can turn Jesus into a biscuit, which is a nice, sensible belief.
Did you ever think about that transubstantiation thing? I did, and it worries me.
Now, it’s not that I’d be at any religious service very often, but sometimes you have to go to funerals, weddings and that sort of thing, and I was wondering. You know the bit where the witch-doctor waves his hands around and sparks fly out of his fingers and he turns that biscuit into the body and blood of Jesus?
You with me? Right, well, what I’m wondering is how far the bread-to-Jesus rays travel and how powerful they are. Maybe a Christian Scientist might know the answer. You see, it’s possible you might not have got home the night before, and perhaps you have half an uneaten pitta bread doner kebab in your pocket. Or a ham sandwich. Or maybe a packet of biscuits.
You see where this is going, and it’s a real worry for me. If the priest is feeling particularly powerful this morning, possibly because he had a
nice altar-boy good slug of whiskey, would he be able to zap that kebab right through your pocket, truly turning it into the Spicy Lamb of God? Or if it was still wrapped in the aluminium foil, would that stop the rays getting through?
Maybe you’d need a lead-lined kebab just to be on the safe side.
I don’t know. Theology was never my strong point.
What I do know is that I hate vegans for being condescending, insufferable twats, and therefore I’ve invented a new breakfast cereal for them. When the revolution comes, my people will round them all up and force them to eat this every morning, but it’ll be good for the general public too.
I think this is going to be a real success. A breakfast cereal made of pork.
I call it Meatabix. What do you think?
Thanks to Achilles for doing the pic.
Elsewhere: Natural Selections