Banking Bail-Out — Irish Government Signs Biggest IOU In History

–  Ring-ring ring-ring ring-ringity-ring

–  Hello.  Minister for Finance speaking.

–  Oh, hello there.  My name is Bock, a very minor thief indeed.

–  Yes?

–  Yeah, look, I was thinking, you know, since you’ve just bet the entire country to keep the banks in business …

–  Yes?

Well, you know how the banks caused all this themselves by handing out ridiculous forty-year loans to people for houses that weren’t worth it?

Indeed.  Your point?

And interest-only loans to property developers?

What about it?

And then the people with the ridiculous forty-year loans thought they were rich so they handed the whole lot over to the property developers for stupid little ticky-tacky houses that cost about four euros to build?

I don’t follow your point.

Well, that was how the developers were supposed to pay back the loans to the banks, and the only losers would be the twenty-somethings who borrowed ten times their annual income over forty years.  Our children, in other words.

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

And then the banks handed out loans to people who already had a house, and everybody including the banks and the estate agents talked up the market? And these people who already had a house just sort of pretend-bought the new houses from the property developers?  And that created a scarcity and the price went up, and then the pretend-buyers sold the houses to more twenty-somethings who were in debt up to their necks because the banks didn’t give a flying fuck how much money they shovelled out the door?

What exactly is your point?

Well, the banks are in trouble now, because they made a complete shit of their business and didn’t bother to be careful.  But that’s all right, because you’ve promised three times the entire annual income of the country to back them up.

What do you want?

Well, Minister, you see, I’ve made a complete shit of my own money as well.  What I didn’t drink, I spent on Latvian hookers and brown acid.  So I was wondering, is there any chance you might give me just a minute’s worth of our entire national income?  Say €300,000?  I’m not greedy.

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13 thoughts on “Banking Bail-Out — Irish Government Signs Biggest IOU In History

  1. Bock, I have already appealed to the good people of Blogger land to help me out of some bad debts as a result of drink induced lending cycles. As of yet I’ve not raised the $200 billion that I am looking for. If FF do send some cash your way then let me know. I might try to tap up Brian C for a spare 100 million to keep me going until the weekend. If the banks do go under, would that mean that future attendees at Munster/ Leinster matches would be restricted to people that understand the rules of the game?

  2. I know you meant to say Laws, and you typed “rules” by mistake, due to extreme drunkenness. That happens to me as well sometimes.

  3. I have my own bank here.

    Right here.

    On account of my assets being devalued my liabilites are getting close to exceeding my assets. My assets include credit placed with other banks.

    I fully expect the Man with Two Brians to do the right thing by me.

    Who, you ask, is the Man with Two Brians? Why he’s the CEO of the Irish Banking Federation.

  4. I sit on my arse viewing daytime telly all day long, and applied for one of those loans from the nice people at the Loan Company, as advertised on Sky.

    Thing is, I was already in debt, and have f*** all income coming in, apart from the odd compo claim. Now I find that I can’t pay the loan back and the Loan Company people are banging down my door.

    Can I ask the Government to help??

    Gombeen Nation: Government Bails out Irish Banks

  5. I just heard a recently retired bank manager (he timed that well) from one of the major banks, on the Joe Duffy show (yeah i know, but i’m not apologising).
    “People are giving out about the banks” he says.
    “Bank Bashing”, he calls it.
    Too fucking metaphoric, you say.
    “People have to understand”, he continues, ”that banking is a risk business. It’s not our fault.”
    Fair enough. I have just one little question then.
    Why the fuck are we suddenly left to underwrite your fucking risk taking?
    Anyone who’s ever made some bad financial investments after a long morning in the drinks tent at the Galway races couldn’t ask the government to cover their bad investment. So what is it that makes YOU so special?
    What’s that ? Oh yes, good point, it was our money you were risking. I see, it all makes sense.
    I suppose i’ll just go out and get a €200,000 loan at 255% interest over 70 years for Whirlpool fridge box (with origonal poystyrene insulation), centraly located (under the Amien street Dart bridge), cause let’s face it, I seem to be one gullable fucking idiot !

    From now on i’m only dealing in chickens and glass beads

  6. Nice piece again, Bock.

    I remember an old man in Co. Leitrim (where I lived for a while in another century) who never had a bank account in all his life.
    His philosophy was: The only safe bank is the bank of the river. And even that can be flooded when it rains a lot…

  7. Yes, he is a very shrewd fellow and has always looked first of all after ‘number one’ (himself).

    Did you know that we – the taxpayers of Ireland – are now paying him also ‘severance money’ on top of his TD salary?

    I highlighted this little known fact yesterday and urged Brian Lenihan to stop it. If you are interested in the matter, have a look on my blog.

  8. Mary Coughlan is on Matt Cooper at the moment saying that The decision was made after discussions with The Banking Reglatory Commission and The Central Bank

    Well thats ok then,because we know that they are completely unbiased in everyway..

  9. Just listened to her squirm her way through that interview OD.

    Still somewhat surprised at listening to someone who knows even less about this fucking shambles than I do, but still manages to bluff and bluster as if she had even some notion of the implications of this folly.

    Jesus H. Christy, they’ll have us all sold down the river in order to save their developer buddy crooks by promising €400 bn. (that we don’t have) to this other pack of cunts who are, as we speak, probably already planning to re-possess homes up and down the country in the coming months and kick the very taxpayers who are bailing them out onto the street.

    At least we can console ourselves knowing Altar-boy Bertie has been given some extra stuffing for his mattress.

  10. These two women were walking through the forest when they hear this voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog:

    “Help me, ladies! I am an INVESTMENT BANKER who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

    The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into an investment banker?”

    The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!”

  11. -as regards B-B-B-Bertie and his “severance” pay. I thought he stepped down. If i’m correct in that assuption, why are we giving him serverence. We didn’t “let him go”, he wasn’t made redundant. He decided to step down, mainly (in my opinion) because of the heat he was taking for his crooked dealing in the past (present, future … insert tense here..) so why are we giving him anything. Wasn’t he happy with the get out of jail free card?
    Can anybody explain this?

  12. Well, Little Nicky, I was as baffled as you are when I heard about it. Thought exactly what you thought. ‘Severance money’ is usually only given to people who are made redundant.
    True for all of us, except if you are a TD or member of the government. Then you can apply for it as soon as you lost your perks. It’s a law the TDs passed for themselves in 1992.
    Have a look at the whole article, if you want to know more. It is on my blog, one of the entries from September 29th under the title “Laughing all the Way to the Bank”.

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