Lourdes Vomiting Bug

I hear there’s a vomiting bug in Lourdes.

Oh God, that’s fucking great.  That’s the funniest yet.  Lourdes is infected with a vomiting bug.  Imagine: a town up to its neck in healing holy water has an incurable vomiting bug.

Can you just imagine it, Atheist Volunteer Vomit-Commandos turning up at the shrine, projectile puking at the priests.  Cure that ya bastard!

What’s more, this is no three-day vomiting bug.  Christ no.  When you get the Lourdes vomiting bug, that’s it.  You’re infected for all eternity.  From now on, it’s heaving all the way for you, my fine true believer.  That’s the end sociable drinks after a good craw-thumping session.



It’s over.  The holy party is ended.  No more solemn midnight processions for you.  From now on, everybody in Lourdes will be slipping on barf, and I can guarantee you one thing: that’s the last they’ll see of old Ratzo.

Your Holiness, the people of Lourdes would like you to visit the shrine again.

Shrine schmine!  I will not the gut-flinging-up risk taking making.  Nein to the shrine!

Oh it’s just great.  I fucking love it.


More disrespectful stuff on Bock:
Irish Television Reports On The Pope’s Visit To Lourdes
Still stuck in Knock
Saint Bock’s Gospel
Padre Pio The Silicon Saint
Di and Dodi Done Down in Dastardly Deed
Battlestar Catholactica

26 thoughts on “Lourdes Vomiting Bug

  1. Jesus Joanie Macaroni.. Bang goes my plans for the weekend. Guess I’m stuck with this club foot for all eternity after all.

  2. I’m on my knees praying to all pagan Gods that the Miracle of The Multi-Coloured Yawn shall be next viewed on the very holiest of the shrines in Knock.

  3. The Baptisme of Bile. It could open a new market in tacky religious tat, Blessd sick bags. I can see it now. An entire range of sick bags with your saint of preference on the side.A dozen Padre Pia’s and some milk of Medjugorje, there boss. What ? €250, ah sure, ’tis for a good cause. By the way, where’re the jacks round here ?

  4. That’s wierd shit! Anyone from Ireland bringing the permanen bug back? Is there any plan by our so-called Government to screen all arrivals from French airports?

  5. Went to Lourdes, picked up a bug and it’s incurable !…..still laughing my hole off at the irony. Hardly a big surprise from the people who gave us immaculate conception and virgin births. It’s up there though.

    @unstranger, any chance one of our Legions of Marys sent it over to Lourdes in the first instance ? We do as good a line in hospital bugs as anywhere.

  6. I googled to see why it’s ‘incurable’ and all I could find (apart from you, Bock) was Lourdes Hospital in Drogheda.

    Yer pulling our legs!?

  7. Well, when I say it’s incurable, there seems to be no treatment for it, but I imagine you’d probably stop puking eventually.

    However, the bug is definitely holiness-resistant. They’re calling it HRSA.

  8. I just remembered something from my far distant youth.Neighbours and relatives bringing back mysterious Holy Mary shaped bottles of magic water which just had to be investigated at the earliest possible bould moment.The water was never quite right. Somehow slimy and sometimes with green algae like goo in it.
    If that’s what the Barry’s tea bags are being brewed in it’s no wonder they all have the gawks.

  9. Ha! Nein to the shrine!

    Love that. Wish I had known that phrase years ago when my parents used insist on dragging me to that money-spinning kip near Ireland West Airport.

  10. In these troubled times of war, economic disaster adn planetary doom, it’s good to know there are still beautiful things still happening in the world. Hail Mary, full of bleeuggh!

  11. Bock, theres a great oppurtunity here to make big bucks from even tackier than usual souvineers . What about statues of the virgin Mary with proximity detectors. When anyone gets close enough to see if she actually moved, she pukes all over them! Or a crib with a projectile puking baby Jesus!
    Christ, where’s me screwdriver and measuring tape!!!

  12. Or a baby Jesus that pees in your face.
    I’ll never forget the first time (as a new mother) I changed a baby boy’s nappy.

  13. Nora, I think the Belgians have one of those peeing baby Jesus statues in Brussels.

    I suppose there’s room for a vomiting one in Temple Bar.

  14. It’s called the Manneken-Pis. It’s up a narrow side street, and it does exactly as described, but it isn’t the most impressive statue I’ve ever seen.

  15. @Bock

    Would you be drawing attention to yourself in the circumstances?

    I don’t know what the current situation is in this country, but in my day the only charge they could get you under was indecent exposure. Ironic!

  16. I know the spot Bock, not worth the trip unless between pubs. But we could have a little halo “appear” over his head and start pilgrimages to Jesus- Manneken-Piss. For good measure the Trappist monks who make that dynamite beer could funnel their brew through the “pipe”. Have Benny over to bless it and charge the punters €10 a half-litre.

    I’m getting on to the Brussels mayor and Micheal O’Leary, there could be a recession-buster and free beer in this scheme yet…….speaking of beer (‘n’ rugby)…guten nacht!!

  17. “it isn’t the most impressive statue I’ve ever seen”

    Me neither. But I have it fixed in my head that there’s another version in Basle/Basel. I can still see myself in my mind’s eye standing in front of it with a female friend, saying, “Well that’s that, what’ll we do now?” and we ended up in a gay bar by mistake.

    Amnesty should put up a crib in Temple Bar this year instead of a tree. Baby Jesus in the middle as a fountain (Lourdes water or not.) And if there are any Gaill around we can say, “Catholic Ireland? Are you jokin’ me? That’s only the Poles”.

  18. @ Hoof: The one in Brussels is too big for a baby and he’s standing up. We need a lying-down one for Xmas.

    And I hope you’re not drawing a sly connection between vomiting and Temple Bar … I had enough slagging on the rugby!

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