Fearless Mainstream Media Arrive In Limerick
Posted on Thursday, November 13, 2008So anyway, the two of us were standing there, Zucchini and myself, 
minding our own business. Zucchini had my tickets for next Saturday’s Ireland-All Blacks game, and we just happened to be passing each other in the same part of town.
One of those serendipitous little coincidences that pepper every trail to a big match.
Jesus Christ! I was shouting at him, How much are they??
€80 each, Boss. And another six for the club.
Eighty six euros?? You mean I have to hand you a hundred and seventy two euros for one single match?
No, said Zucchini. You don’t. I’ll give them to someone else and you can watch it on the telly if you prefer.
That was when a jeep pulled up beside us.
Newstalk! by Jesus. All the way from Dublin to talk down to us. Imagine that!
We peer at each other through slitted eyes and nod meaningfully.
Excuse me, he says. my name is Blah Blah and I’m with Newstalk. Do you two gentlemen happen to be locals?
Are we locals? I say to Zucchini.
Locals, Zucchini echoes. Hold on a minute while I check. Do I seem to be chewing a piece of straw?
No, I tell him.
We’re not locals, he informs the Newstalk reporter with the tape recorder.
The road we stand on is very near the home of a lady who won a gigantic amount of money a few years ago, in the Euro-loadsamoney-fuck-off-I’m-outta-here-suckers competition. €115 million worth of loads to be exact. And this Newstalk fella is doing a bit of a colour piece. He wants to find out how she’s doing three years on, as if anyone would need to ask. But I suppose you’d never know what those crazy, inbred Limerick nutcases would do with all that money. You couldn’t trust ‘em, not being from Dortland an’ all, yah? I mean, most of their Dads aren’t even judges, for Godsake!
Do you know where the house is? he wants to know.
We don’t, I tell him. We just stopped so I could collect these 
outrageously-priced tickets for the rugby match on Saturday.
Maybe if I asked one of the neighbours? he ventures.
How the fuck would I know? we shrug, simultaneously. We already told you we don’t live here.
This is looking suspiciously like a patronising two-minute vox-pop filler on a Dublin-based radio’s schedule to pad out their trite coverage of the reign of terror we locals cower under in Limerick. Next thing you know, they’ll be playing the sinister music behind us.
Can I interview you?
No.
I’ll just get out the recorder.
You can’t interview us. Fuck off.
He sticks the microphone in my face. So, you happened to be passing by here …
No. You walked up to me and interrupted my complaints about the price of a ticket for the rugby match.
So, can you tell the listeners what exactly you’re doing right now.
We’re muttering in hushed tones about the fear. THE FEAR!!! D’you hear me? THE FEEEEAAARRRRR!!
He puts away his recorder and coughs. Maybe I’ll just ask the neighbours.
Good idea, we tell him, and go back to our squabble.
You see that slogan on the jeep? Zucchini says.
Different nation, different station?
Yeah.
What the fuck does that mean?
Dunno, I tell him. Some brainless, shallow, PR shit, maybe?
Mmm, he says. Didn’t think of that.
Stumble it!
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November 13th, 2008
You should have told him you knew a friend of the woman who won the lotto, and who could probably get him an interview. Then sent him in to the shitiest estate you know.
He might have gotten quite a different story out of that.
November 13th, 2008
€86! Is that some kind of ‘corporate package’ with free booze (before, during and after) and a pig on a spit thrown in?
What’s the ‘usual’ price for, say, a Heineken Cup game? (I haven’t been back to Eire since the redevelopment)
November 13th, 2008
That’s Croke Park prices, my friend. Cusack Stand Upper Tier. I have no say in the tickets I get, but you know what? Fuck it. This is the All Blacks, and I’m going to it with my boy, so there ya go. Fuck it.
What’s more,we’re going to Thomond Park on Tuesday to see the All Blacks playing Munster, and again, fuck the cost. How many chances will I get to attend an All Blacks v Munster game with my son?
November 13th, 2008
You’re dead right Bock. We’ll probably not see the All Blacks in Limerick again in this lifetime.
You were also dead right to stick it to the different station.
Enjoy the game.
November 13th, 2008
Here, when did we double your quota up to two minutes? I’ll hafta get the Minister for Weights and Measures on to this. There’s a recession on, you greedy bastards.
November 13th, 2008
Sorry, I’m a langer. Of course, it’s Croke Park (and not Thomond) - my heart, and my brain, stopped when I saw that price.
(Note to self: Think before you comment)
What do you reckon our chances are?
November 13th, 2008
Roughly nil.
November 13th, 2008
“Roughly” - so there’s hope!
November 13th, 2008
Did you not get the….
Meaningful pause followed by fake sincerity…
“How do you feel?”
question?
November 13th, 2008
No. He could see how we felt.
We felt he was another patronising idiot from the Dublin media bubble.
(You know them? The people who heard about Aldi and Lidl yesterday?)
November 13th, 2008
Have you listened to their station lately?
Jesus Bock they’re more condescending than RTE
November 13th, 2008
I haven’t noticed, but of course I only dip in and out of Newstalk. It isn’t a national station, but then again, what station realises it has listeners outside Dublin?
November 13th, 2008
“No. He could see how we felt.”
That was unusually perspicacious
Newsquawk would be part of Denis O’Brien’s Macaroni House radio empire, along with Toady FM.
November 14th, 2008
Did I mention my ticket tradegy? I got them, the Rocket man tickets. See, see……….
November 14th, 2008
Great, Sniff.
You got your tickets for Thomond park.
Legend!
You’ll be able to tell your grandchildren you were there.
November 14th, 2008
“Different Nation” really sums it all up rather neatly.
November 14th, 2008
have a good time
hope you are bringing your camera
November 14th, 2008
Bock,
on a slightly different note, it looks like Munster might be doing a haka of their own in response to the All Blacks.http://www.irishexaminer.com/irishexaminer/pages/story.aspx-qqqg=sport-qqqm=sport-qqqa=sport-qqqid=77407-qqqx=1.asp
Any idea what it could be? There could be another blog post in this for ya!
November 14th, 2008
What, you mean it doesn’t allow hyperlinks like THIS?
November 14th, 2008
It will certainly be something to tell our grandchildren about but if past glories are anything to go by there will be at least 100thousand claiming to have been there.
Win or lose they’re not likely to let us down..
November 14th, 2008
Which game do you mean - Thomond Park or Croke Park?
November 14th, 2008
Ah..that would be Thomond
November 14th, 2008
If you’re in the upper stand - bring oxygen, think of the child ! Last time I was up there I was sitting next to the french on-tour brass band. We were giving them lots of stick until the cunts scored a last minute try to win the game. I don’t think the kiwis bring a band with them !
November 14th, 2008
I know. I was there too. Fuck!
November 20th, 2008
I actually heard the newstalk piece on the Sean Moncreif show on the day of the Munster game. Basically they had a reporter who hung around the Track Bar, talked to some people, and then made lots of failed efforts to find the right house and talk to the Euromillions winner.
And yeah, it was patronising D4 stuff. But funny, since he couldn’t find the house
November 20th, 2008
That must be the same guy.