What do you think of all this Facebook friends thing? Are you a bit uncomfortable with the fake, twee, kissy-kissy falseness of it all? Does it piss you off? Does it make you angry? Does it drive you into a rage? Does it make you want to charge into a crowded shopping mall with a big, roaring, fuck-off chainsaw and rip every bastard you meet into shreds?
No? Me neither, but it does make me uncomfortable.
We all know that friendships don’t always last, especially when those friendships are with a photograph of a plastic teddy bear you’ve never seen, or half a head, or the inside of a toilet. Not a great basis for a lasting friendship really.
Now, resentment, on the other hand, never goes away, and you can be offended by even the mildest of slights. You can harbour a deep bowel-rumbling, festering rage against someone all the length of your days for something as simple as an ill-judged glance, or a forgotten first name, or the unintentional theft of €100,000 from your account when you weren’t looking.
For years I’ve had an arrangement with my lawyer, Gonad the Ballbearian. Whenever I develop a grudge against someone, I call him up, pay him five guineas and he writes down the details on a scroll of vellum, which he seals with wax and places inside his safe, beside its many confreres. This is an excellent system. Whenever I have a falling-out with somebody, I call into Gonad’s office to find out how many grudges I hold against them. This costs me another five guineas, and then, depending on the severity and extent of my resentment, I’m able to calibrate the degree of retribution and revenge I should inflict.
Of course, Gonad is from the age of the quill, whereas I have fully embraced the interweb, and therefore I’m happy to announce my new antisocial network: Grudgebox.
You can sign on, connect with your enemies or make new ones, recommend enemies to other people and fling foul curses and invective at their uploaded family photos. I see you married a pig. That kind of thing.
I can really see this taking off in Ireland and England, where simmering resentment and passive-aggressive self-hating rage are pretty much the sign of a normal well-balanced human being.
What do you think?
Like Minds: Arsebook