The phone rang. It was the Big Fella.
– Jesus, I said. We all thought you were dead.
– Really? he rasped. Well fucking SNAP! So did I.
– Tell me, I urged him.
– Well, he replied, let me put it like this. Did you ever find yourself freewheeling down the side of a mountain with a sheer drop on one side and a solid wall of rock on the other, with your foot on the brake, leaning over the steering wheel trying to see the front of the car?
– Eh, no.
– No, he said. Me neither, until Saturday. I thought we were fuckin dead.
– I can imagine.
– No you can’t. It’s the most frightened I’ve ever been.
– Worse than the time you thought you could beat the midget sumo wrestler in Amsterdam?
– Much worse.
– Worse than when the Jack Russell caught you by the scrotum for taking his favourite baby-rattle?
– Jesus. Worse than the time you bumped into those three Finnish women and —
– Aaarrrggghhh! he screamed. Don’t fuckin remind me. It wasn’t that bad, but it was close.
– Jesus. Close, eh? Sounds bad. Was that in Andorra?
– That was when we were trying to get out of fuckin Andorra. We couldn’t go to Montauban cos the road was blocked by the storm so we decided to go back to Barcelona.
– Tough trip.
– Tough? I thought we’d be going home in a fuckin box.
– So you missed the match.
– Yeah. We stayed the night in Barcelona, and the Small Fella got robbed.
– Well, that’s Barcelona for you. I’d say he was pissed off.
– Really? You mean â€“ ?
– Yup. As usual.
– You mean he â€“ ?
– Yup. Scored.
Meanwhile, at the match â€¦
(video courtesy of le Coq sportif)