Parent Teacher Meetings

Christ, we’re ugly!

It’s only when you go to a parent-teacher meeting that you realise what a rough-looking bunch we Irish really are. It’s a miracle any of these people became parents, but I suppose it just goes to show what a wonderful thing alcohol is.

I fucking hate parent-teacher meetings. They’re like speed-dating for gobshites. Smug, self-important, condescending, neurotic gobshites, and that’s just the parents. Earnest, frowning, forward-leaning young teachers with big teeth and expensive haircuts.

Hmmmm. I see. Yes. Hmmm.

Matronly, middle-age-spreading language teachers, longing with rage for that lost year in France and suppressing a secret drink-urge.

Hello there Mrs Feck-Arse. Let’s see now. Yes indeed, I suppose you’d be the parent of that little cretin, Britney. I can tell by your big fuckin monkey head. Jesus I’d murder a G&T.

Shuffling fathers and all-business mothers.

Did you catch the geography teacher? Did you? Did you?

I don’t know. Was he the one with the wooden eye?

No, ya blind fucker. The one with the glass leg. Now I know why our Tommy is so fuckin stupid.

Really? So you know who the father is, do ya?

Fuck you. Wait till I get you home. Oh hello, Mr Murphy!

We all hate it. Teachers, parents, students. I used to pass the time by trying to imagine everyone naked, but that brought on a lot of vomiting and stares of contempt from the other parents, so I had to develop a new strategy.

What I do now is this. I walk right to the head of the queue where all the parents are sitting obediently, waiting for the call. Then I catch the teacher’s eye and I shout, Hey!! Could try harder, right?

Teacher nods. I scratch him off my list and move on to the next one.

Parent-teacher meetings? Me? Five minutes!

12 thoughts on “Parent Teacher Meetings

  1. I have a plan that if I ever go to a parent teacher meeting I will pretend to be the parent of another kid. Confuse the shite out of the teachers and the chance for a bit of a laugh. Bonus points for sticking around and watching the reactions after the real parents go up to the teacher!

  2. I went to all my son’s parent-teacher interviews to be enlightened, for them to tell me what I already knew.

    I did not attend many of my second-born P-T interviews because I knew she was doing her best and what the teachers had to say would not alter anything.

  3. *sigh* It’s all ahead of me.

    I plan to bring a shoulder of vodka to sip at regular intervals. It’s a win-win situation.

  4. it’s been so long, i don’t even remember…either that or i’ve purged my memory of that which is related to parent-teacher conferences for FOUR CHILDREN!!!
    xoxo

  5. Go in a low neck top/wonderbra and see the reactions…..revenge big time for all of those i endured as a patient.. I mean of course student

  6. Jesus fucking , Jesus, How the fuck does one head come up with the likes of this stuff. Shit, we’ve all had this experience but not the where-with-all to put it so succinctly – BOCK, U rock !!!!!

  7. Ours was on last night.

    All the teachers lined up on oppisite sides of the halla mor, and parents lined up down the middle. Yes it did look like some weird speed dating thingy for ugly-fucks!

    And there’s always the smiley one who happens to be in three queues at the same time.

  8. I’m a smug bastard..well for now anyway, I enjoy them enormously.

    My boys are saints, they are in the top 2% of every subject in the country, they are polite, helpful, obedient, real gentlemen.

    Some of the above is true, now I am beginning to sober up some may be lies.

  9. whats this about driving simulators for new drivers, my daughter is on about this and i want to know if it is worthwhile.

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