Brian Lenihan, our finance minister, was sent a PriceWaterhouse report on Anglo-Irish Bank, but he didn’t read it all. He missed some bits, including the part that read Jesus Christ, Brian, these crooked fuckers just conned the whole country and they’re going to sink us all if you don’t do something about it fucking fast!!!
Brian, who is a Senior Counsel in his spare time, with a wig and a silken nightgown to prove it, didn’t notice that bit, and he said so again this morning on the radio. I’m not convinced if I had read the passage that its significance would have jumped out at me.
What bit didn’t he notice? Well you see, Anglo sent €7 billion to Irish Life. And then Irish Life transferred the money to one of its own subsidiaries, Irish Life Investment Managers which lodged the money in an Anglo account just like any ordinary customer who happens to have a spare €7 billion lying around.
You see, Irish Life Investment Managers is not a bank, and that was good for Anglo, because it looks much better if the money on deposit comes from customers instead of other banks, which is why why IL&P disguised the cash this way before sending it back. This was a way of fooling Anglo’s shareholders, the financial regulator (who wasn’t hard to fool at the best of times, it must be said), the international financial fraternity, on whom our very survival as a nation depends, and the government.
Now, remember this. The amount of money that IL&P sent to Anglo was twice the entire value of IL&P, and as far as I know, this was illegal.
Of course, you’d have to be asking why one bank, IL&P, would engage in a gigantic fraud to ensure the survival of another institution that isn’t really a bank at all, but a glorified bag-man for dodgy property developers. Would it be because Anglo is the conduit for money from the property developers to Fianna Fáil, the main party in government? And did somebody very influential exert pressure on IL&P to help prop up the zombie bank?
Why did IL&P feel comfortable lodging all this money back with a bank so shaky it could fall down in the next gust of wind? Well, the very day before this bed-and-breakfast lodgement, our government had guaranteed Anglo’s liabilities.
Now look. There’s no other word for all of this except fraud.
Fraud on a gigantic scale. Fraud on a country-destroying scale.
And this gigantic, treasonous fraud was detailed in the report that Brian had on his desk.
The Minister didn’t notice the bit that said Jesus Christ, Brian, these crooked fuckers just conned the whole country and they’re going to sink us all if you don’t do something about it fucking fast!!!, and what’s more, nobody took out a bright yellow highlighter pen and marked it and said, Look Minister. Look at what the fucking crooks did.
Wouldn’t you love to have Brian Lenihan, Senior Counsel, defending you against a murder charge? You’re convicted. The judge is pulling on his black cap. You’re going to the Chair, when a scruffy little private eye sidles up to Brian.
– Aah, Mr Lenihan, did you get a chance to read my report?
– No. I only skimmed it. Why?
– Well, did you spot the bit with the photographs of a completely different man, not your client but somebody else, stark naked, covered in blood, running down the alleyway waving an axe and screaming that he did it? Or the confession he signed in the victim’s blood?
– Funny you should mention that. I’m not convinced its significance jumped out at me.
One other point. Brian Lenihan didn’t need a PriceWaterhouse report to tell him that Anglo-Irish was as crooked as fuck and that all its dealings were dodgy. There was another well-informed grouping he could have asked, and who would have told him exactly what the situation was.
Who? The dogs in the street, of course, who had been barking it for years.
Brian Lenihan, Senior Counsel, eh? What a man.
I have one final piece of speculation, something that’s been rattling around in the back of my skull, seeking some form of living shape.
Since all the banks seem to have different dates on which they must show a snapshot of their accounts, is it possible that there may only be one lump of money? A sort of travelling rescue-fund that makes its way from one bank to the next, inflating their balances as it passes through?
Perhaps, apart from this touring fund, the banks have no money at all.
Is that possible? What do I know?
Ask Brian Goggin, head of BoI who sadly informed the nation on RTÉ News this evening that his wages are drastically reduced. He’ll be taking home less than €2 million this year. Isn’t it fucking awful?
No. Seriously – isn’t it?
By the way, check out the Irish Life website for the joke of the century:
Irish Life & Permanent plc (trading as permanent tsb) is regulated by the Financial Regulator
Also on Bock:
Letter To Brian Goggin, Bank of Ireland CEO
Irish Life and Permanent — Fucking Bastard Criminal Scumbags
Irish Government Nationalises Anglo-Irish Bank
Rival Bank Helps Anglo-Irish Chairman To Hide Huge Personal Debts