The government has just announced the creation of a crack new unit within the Gardai. The Offensive Pictures-And-Other-Stuff-On-The-Wall Squad.
Intrigued, I phoned the Garda Press Office.
Hello. Is that the Garda Press Office?
â€˜Tis. Who’s that?
Bock. I just wanted to ask you about the crack new Garda unit. The Offensive Pictures-And-Other-Stuff-On-The-Wall Squad.
Oh yeah. Right.
Could you tell me what it’s going to be doing?
Well, it’ll be, like, mostly about art. Pictures, like. Painted pictures, by painters, with paint, but it could be about anything that, aaah, that, like says things. Like.
Anything that kinda says, y’know, bad things. Or looks bad. Or anything smelly or anything really really fukken ugly, like. On a wall. D’ya see?
Could it investigate horrible wallpaper?
Sure. Sure it could. We could kick down your fukken door if we thought you hung up bad wallpaper.
What about if I stuck a note on my neighbour’s door to tell him I’ve gone to the pub and would he like a pint?
Well, that would depend if you used a thumb tack. If you did that, we’d have you for criminal damage. But not if you used Blu-Tak. No. Not Blu-tak. Unless it took off a little bit of paint, and then we might have to do you for criminal damage after all. But we mightn’t either.
So what about artists putting paintings into art galleries?
Well, we got a tip-off about this fella Ronny Bosh, and we’re following a definite line of inquiry. If any of this bucko’s pictures turn up in an Irish art gallery, we’ll have him like a shot.
You mean Hieronymus Bosch?
But he’s been dead for five hundred years.
Doesn’t matter. We had Garda Houlihan, our art expert, examine photos of this fella’s pictures and he says they’re fukken offensive as fuck.
Houlihan, you say? He’s an expert then.
He sure is. He did a two-week FÃS course on it back in 1987. That’s the Garda SÃochÃ¡na for you. We fukken fling experts at a problem when we have to. Well-oiled machine, that’s us. We’re also on the trail of that Daly fucker.
You mean DalÃ?
Daly. Daley. Dalek. Whatever. We saw his fukken pictures and they’re fukken stupid. We’ll arrest the fucker if we get our hands on him. We’ll get him on a public order charge. And that Jackson Bollocks. A man well named if ever I heard of one.
So how will you decide what to investigate?
Ah well, ya see, we’ll do what we always did. If we hear about something on the news we’ll probably have to follow it up, like we did with Joe Duffy and the Tipperary Town tinkers. Or, like, if the government wants to shut someone up, like.
What about if I walked into an art gallery now and left a nude painting of Enda Kenny on the wall?
Ah that would be all right. Sure, he’s only a bollocks.
All Bock posts here: Cowen Nude