Thank you for your threatening letter in which you make some very valid points. Thank you also for sending the two large men in ill-fitting suits who were quite courteous in telling me what they intended to do to me if I didn’t broadcast better news about you.
I would like to reassure you that of course I realise you hold the purse strings and that you will sink me without trace if I don’t toe the Fianna FÃ¡il line.
This organisation, as you know, has a proud record of silencing its programme makers if they offended Fianna Fáil ministers, and I have no intention of departing from this tradition. We axed Scrap Saturday many years ago when it became too irreverent towards your illustrious predecessor, CJ Haughey, and only recently, we chopped Vincent Browne’s radio show after he questioned the Taoiseach too vigorously. More recently still, we put the squeeze on Nob Nation for being disrespectful towards your magnificent self, and I hope you now find their attitude more to your liking.
Let me also please confirm that I would never permit RTÉ to question the government’s wisdom in any way. I fully realise that you could have me fired at the drop of a hat and I wouldn’t want that in these challenging times. After all, apart from working in RTÉ, I have no useful skills and nobody would think of employing me in the real world.
Regarding the criminal artist who placed paintings in art galleries, I condemn his actions without reservation and I have had the news reporters flogged, as you demanded. I have also placed an obsequious grovelling apology in an endless loop on the main evening news.
I apologise unreservedly for any offence caused to you by these pictures, or by our reporting of the incident, or by anything else that every happened to you in your entire life, anywhere in the world. I sincerely apologise if anyone, anywhere, ever criticised you or laughed at you or poked fun at your appearance. I apologise for what Ian Paisley said about you. I apologise if your parents ever disciplined you. I apologise on behalf of all women if a girl ever turned you down. I apologise for the hamburger manufacturers of the world, and for Arthur Guinness & Co, and on behalf of the world’s manufacturers of deep-fryers.
Taoiseach, I deeply, humbly, painfully apologise for any offence caused by the publication of these pictures, but if I may say one thing, Taoiseach. We have searched high and low, throughout the internet and the outternet, and we have been unable to find a single picture of you that would not cause offence.
Please forgive me for saying this, Taoiseach, and don’t have me fired or flogged. On behalf of RTÉ, let me please apologise without reservation for your appearance, which is of course entirely our fault.
Finally, let me assure you that it is RTÉ’s policy to publish only the news that you and your government wish to have published, and we will never knowingly publish any other sort of news or in any other way criticise your leadership.
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