Bock’s Weight-Loss Secrets
Apr 27th, 2009 | By Bock | Category: My life, healthYou might remember me telling you here about deciding to lose some of the weight I put on when I quit smoking.
Well, one thing I forgot to mention was the pile of folded jeans that no longer fit, but that I refused to throw out because that would be admitting defeat. Now when I say no longer fit, I mean that I couldn’t even get that metal stud within a couple of inches of the buttonhole. Not good. Not at all good.
But I didn’t throw the jeans out, even though people kept telling me it was pointless.
You’re getting old, Bock. You’re going to put on a few pounds. Relax.
Fuck that. I put them all away in a wardrobe instead, but of course, I didn’t actually do anything about it. I just kept eating like a pig at a free pig-food party, and the waistline kept expanding.
Anyway, as you know, I started to do a bit of running about a month ago, and I also started to eat a bit better. Fewer carbs. Out with the delicious buttery toasted cottage loaf. No fried food. More chicken. More fish.
And so it came to pass that the belly all but disappeared, in such a short time. It’s gone, or almost, and another week should see its complete eradication. I’ve lost ten pounds in five weeks without cutting back on grub. (Or Guinness, despite what they all told me).
What’s more, when I got up this morning, I pulled out one of the old pairs of jeans and tried them on. Still a bit tight around the waist. Still a bit tight, but I’m not finished yet. There’s a few pounds to get rid of, but here’s the important bit: that metal stud and its lost buttonhole made contact with each other for the first time in four or five years.
Result.
Tips on losing 3lbs a day – and getting a good solid heart attack – in which case you’ll fall away to nothing. Meantime, no fuck write back and start talking to me anout kilos, I’m an imperialist. Put on two track suits, two pairs of socks, a wooly scarf and a hat, put on a wooly condom an all, and jog on the spot in a sauna for three quarters of an hour a day. Don’t use too much water either. Do this for a month or so and you’ll be able to see your penis without the aid of a mirror. I’ve seen people with nothing to lose, weight wise, dropping two or three pounds in an hour doing this. The black sauce is a problem however. We love you O’l uncle Arthur and we know you love us, but your not helping in this situation. Some have even gone so far as to suggest that you are part of the problem.
Ok. 1 kilogram = 2.2 pounds.
Bock, you see, when I was in my 20’s and 30’s, I didn’t have to do any work to look good. It came natural… now that I am 41 going on 42 this year….. Something happened to my body… for the first time, I have to work at looking good. I have to go to gym regularly or else I will look my actual age! Can’t have that! So keep working my friend. Keep running and eating healthy… it’s true, it’s the age… No matter what, the body slowly starts getting old and fat… unless of course, you do something about it.
Dam kilos, the French are behind it all – so you go into a bar and ask for half a litre of the black stuff yeah? Nevin, I’ve seen you recently and you look like shit mate, thought you were in your 60s to tell the truth.
abdul, cute very cute… how old are you? 5?
Nevin — My apologies. Abdul sometimes forgets how to behave in adult company.
We’re watching you Nevin………….
Abdul — Try to be civilised, please.
Well done on the weight loss Bock. Now is the time to instigate a strict regime of post-consumption, induced vomiting to ensure those jeans are never mothballed again.
congrats on the weight loss bock, take your time fitting the old jeans though, ahem guys, tight jeans very 70’s not a good look, last thing limerick needs an Iggy pop lookelikey.
Norma — That won’t happen. Especially not another Iggy Pop. Aaaaarrrggghhh!
excellent, so we can do this without giving up the guinness?
We can. Be at peace.
Bock I eat large amounts of eggs ,cheese ,cream cakes etc. But my Medics still tell me I need to put on weight. Life is cruel. To hell with the lot of them . Have a BBQ and get the chicken from the Milk market.
Enjoy.