Ned O’Keeffe and his band of shuffling lickspittles were doing the rounds this morning, pressing the flesh and forcing themselves on law-abiding people. They even had the gall to invade my morning sanctuary, Nancy Blake’s, as I tried to read my paper in peace.
Ned, as you might be aware, is a bumbling waffler who represents Cork East in the Dáil. Now he’s running for the European Parliament as an official National Embarrassment. He’s a gobshite of the first rank who hasn’t two straight ideas to rub together. A cunning, self-interested pig farmer without principle or insight.
Why would we send such gobshites to Europe to represent us?
Have we nothing better than this shambling goon to send out there? What must people think of us when we put forward zombie politicians who can barely speak any language at all, and who know nothing about anything except how to pull strokes for their cronies.
Is it any wonder they look at Ireland askance when the best we can do is to send fools like Ned O’Keeffe to fly the flag in Brussels?
As Ned left the pub, he offered me a leaflet. I was so relieved to see him going that I forgot my manners and didn’t attack him with a full broadside of insults and accusations. The best I could manage was a quiet fuck off and shove your fucking leaflet you fucking crook.
For this, I am truly ashamed and apologise you. I’ll do better next time.
However, if I had my wits about me, I might have asked him my standard list of questions, the things I throw at ever Fianna FÃ¡il person I meet.
I should have asked him the following questions.
– Since the public finances are so dire, could you please tell me the value of the gas in the Corrib Field?
Answer: €14 billion.
– Could you please tell me how much of that money goes back to the government from Shell E&P, the exploration company extracting the gas?
– How much was paid in bribes to secure this deal?
Answer: Peanuts for monkeys.
– Would you mind telling me how much money in compensation has been paid out as a result of sexual abuse by the clergy?
Answer: €1.2 billion
– Would you now tell me how much of that cost has been paid by the Catholic church?
– How much of that money has been paid by the taxpayer?
Answer: All of it.
– Who negotiated this deal for the clergy?
Answer: One of Bertie Ahern’s former employers, Sr Helena O’Donoghue.
– Why is our national broadband so bad?
Answer: Because Fianna FÃ¡il gave our communications infrastructure to asset strippers.
– Why is the Fianna FÃ¡il government adding €70 billion to the national debt to bail out the bankers?
Answer: Because the bankers own the property developers and the property developers own Fianna FÃ¡il.
– Why did your government decide to put the national children’s hospital in the most inaccessible and cramped location, at the Mater hospital in North inner-city Dublin, even though they were offered a free greenfield site near the junction of two major motorways?
Answer: Because the Mater hospital belongs to Bertie Ahern’s former employers, the Mercy order of Nuns.
– Why did your party give tax breaks to property developers to build ghost housing estates all over the country at a time when the economy was already booming?
Answer: Because the builders bribed them to do it.
– When are you going to challenge the vested interests in medicine and the legal professions that have this country in a stranglehold of restrictive practices?
– Why did Bertie Ahern call us Luddites when we questioned the reliability of his stupid e-voting machines?
Answer: Because Fianna FÃ¡il has no respect for democracy.
– How much did those machines cost?
Answer: €52 million.
– What would €52 million pay for?
Answer: 52 schools. A top-class cystic fibrosis unit. Special needs assistants for all children in need of them.
– What progress has your government made in developing wind power and wave power in ireland?
And finally, Ned, a simple one.
– What is the internet?
Also on Bock: Torturing Fianna FÃ¡il Canvassers