The Perfect Host
May 18th, 2009 | By Bock | Category: ReligionWe were discussing communion wafers the other day — as one does — and somebody mentioned how lacking in flavour they are, which is true. I remember from my childhood their horrible dry, sticky blandness.
Is it any wonder so many people have fallen away from Catholicism? Wouldn’t it be so simple to improve things and bring all God’s people back to the one true church? All they’d have to do is add a little flavour to the wafers.
Instead of having them in a chalice, the priest could hand them out in cardboard tubes, like Pringles.
Would you like a Jesus-cracker?
What is it?
Salt and vinegar.
No thanks. I’ll wait for the sour cream ‘n’ chives.
I think if they make the hosts more wavy and crunchy, with permitted flavourings and additives, including a little MSG, the flock will come flocking back. People will be phoning their local church.
Hello Father. This is Mary Crawthumper (Mrs). What sort of wafers have we today?
Oh hello Mary. Well, today we’ll be having a nice Mexican chilli flavour with a delicious cheese dip, and a small shot of tequila. Tomorrow I was thinking either barbecue or smoky bacon. Or else Feta and Herb. And the day after that, Scampi and Lemon accompanied by a tangy garlic mayonnaise.
That’s lovely Father.
Oh, and on Sunday, it’s Cajun Chicken.
That’s great Father. Thanks very much.
Not at all, Mary. Not at all. We aim to please.
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Previously on Bock:
They could use the flying saucers with the sherbert in the middle that’d get me back into the church on a sunday.
When my brother was very young (6 or 7 maybe – I’d have to check) he knew the Mass off by heart and wanted to deliver one himself. So one day at home he wrapped a sheet around himself and spread another on a table, and we all crowded round for the ceremony. The best bit, and the only bit I remember well, was Communion: since he was just a young lad with no supply of official Catholic wafers, he handed out Silvermints! He conducted the rest of the Mass to a minty aroma and the sound of crunching sweets.
Church of Ireland rules say that it should be the finest white bread as may conveniently be gotten. Generally, it’s whatever the Rector has in the kitchen. Wafers are against the rules, though some places have switched to them.
In my parish we are apportioned sirloin steak at the alter. It sounds better than it is. Having to bless yourself and put an entire steak into your mouth is no mean feat. Then the person behind you gets impatient waiting for you to chew and swallow. Mass regularly takes 6 hours, directly attributable to the steak communions.
Sirloin steak brings a whole new dimension to transubstantiation. Holy cow!
Yup, Spicy BBQ host crackers and communion Coors light.
Maybe it’s not supposed to taste good – might take away from the pure communion-ity of it.
Blood, Meat and Fears.
Tangy Cheese Dorito Host with Communion Jager-Bombs…
Throw in a few yokes and EVERYONE would be celebrating Christ’s Sacrifice,although I suggest holding it after midnight on Saturday and instead of hymns,some repetitive rhythmic beats played at loud volume..
A church wouldn’t be a fitting venue really so possibly some kind of specially built auditorium with a powerful sound system… Wait a minute!!
Why stop at the communion hosts Bock?
I reckon there’s a huge market for blessed-for-purpose holy waters.
For example – for travel “Godspeed holy water†(a mixture of holy water and Red Bull, keeps you awake on those long journeys, brings you safely home); for good performance in exams why not “Godknows Holy Water†(same content as the Godspeed, different label) etc..
what do you reckon?
Balla
Given the current scarcity of priests, I’d go the other way and introduce Communion Dispensing Machines. Of course, you’d have to give an offering first. Tokens for free Communion could replace Mass Cards. The advantage is that they wouldn’t have to be confined to churches; they could be set up anywhere where people come together; Dublin Airport, Grafton Street, Croke Park, the Kaaba in Mecca.
And then there’s the whole area of on-line confession …