Hound of Satan Sick

 Posted by on July 6, 2009  Add comments
Jul 062009

The poor old dog is sick.  He had a lump on his head so I decided I’d better take him to the vet, and the vet said Jesus Christ, that’s a fuckin tumour.

I told you he was sick.

What to do?

Bring him in on Monday morning, said the vet, and I’ll cut it off.  Send it away for a biopsy.

And? I said.

It might be nothing.


Or he might be fucked.

I see, I said. Well don’t spare my fucking feelings anyway.

I won’t, he assured me.

This isn’t the same vet who patched Satan back together after he got rolled over by a jeep.  This is a much rougher class of individual, but he’s cheaper.

So I brought the dog to the small animal hospital this morning and deposited him with the vet from hell.  Call me about six, he said, and we’ll see how things go.

So I did.  I phoned about six o’clock.


I removed that, he said. But we did a scan while he was knocked out, and I’ll need to talk to you about it.

Fuck, I said. That sounds ominous.

We’ll talk.

Jesus, I hate it when they take that tone.  Do vets and doctors do a special module on patronising their customers?

An hour later I’m standing in front of him.  What’s all this about a scan?

We did an ultrasound, and there’s … well, there’s something inside his abdomen.  A mass.

Like, you mean, another growth?


I see, I said. And could it have anything to do with the fact that he got squashed by my neighbour’s jeep back in September?

Hmm, he grimaced.  Could be. Maybe a haematoma. Or an enlarged spleen.

So perhaps the hound of Satan isn’t yet finished.  We’ll know in a few weeks, but for the moment, the poor old devil has a row of staples across the top of his head.

  19 Responses to “Hound of Satan Sick”

Comments (19)

    Could the mass in his abdomen be the small tinker he devoured last year ?


    That’s quite possible, given this dog’s proclivities.


    that book/CD widget thing needs fixing. Hope the dog gets better.


    poor little bollix hope he’s alright. mind you he must look right savage with his scars.


    Vincent- Fixed. Thanks.

    Fan — Not to mention his tattoos.


    I’m reminded of this old joke, sorry pun.
    Hope he’ll be alright Bock

    A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Polly has passed away.”
    The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
    The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead.”
    He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!”
    The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?”


    aww the poor dog. I bet you love the bones of him! :)
    One of my sisters dogs had a mass in his stomach. He wasn’t able to move and wasn’t eating. It turned out to be a couple of pairs of socks! that he eventually coughed up.


    Great to hear your mutt survived Trinity, and wonderful to see that he is a such a religious creature. You see folks, Trinitys dog “had a mass in his stomach” and lo and behold he was saved. Hallelujah I raise a glass to our four legged friends everywhere.


    Hope the old boy gets through okay. Have you been missing any articles of clothing lately or perhaps the odd tool?


    ##$!!%!! check box!


    Now that you mention it, I can’t find my DeWalt cordless.


    No use looking for an electrical cord hanging out his bottom then. If it had been an old corded affair you could have stepped on it.


    Really hope he’s ok ? my dog is 17 fairly deaf and blind, yet he know’s every time i move.
    He sits beside me and growls like a bastard if i’m up late on this site.


    I’ll report in time. He might be all right or he might be fucked.

    I hope he’ll be all right but in the end he’s a dog, not a family member.


    Jaysus Mr. Bock! My dog’s 13 and thankfully without health issue’s, yet, but , despite bein’ a’ pain in the arse, he’s most definitely a member of da ‘familia’!!! Harsh! Good luck with it though.


    Have to admit my dog isn’t family member because he has pissed everyone off so much, he defys nature at his age, total 1 person dog and i get in so much trouble with family for overlooking his cantankerous carry on, he’s a small mutt with the heart of a lion and the personality of a phyco, but he’s my buddy and surely his days are numbered at 17 so im still lovin him, wonder what that says about me, not great methinks.
    kid’s say if i die in my sleep they have no chance of getting me out and i will just rot, gross!!


    good onya dude, ya made me feel better ! ya can’t jus say fuk ’em!


    Sorry now, but the dog is not a family member, and he never will be. He’s a fuckin dog.


    You can’t choose your family but you can choose your dog
    Have you given up the running Bock ? A few endorphines might sweeten your mood ?
    Any update on your dog ?

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