Jesus Christ, the papers are mad today.
Wrinkly Paddy very kindly put us up last night when we went to Dubland for the Leonard Cohen gig, and he even put a lovely greasy breakfast on the table this morning. Get that inside ya, Bock.
I ate it on my own because daughter, you see, had fucked off to a party last night leaving Wrinkly Paddy and me to drink all the wine. But WP is a truly great host, and not only slapped a big dirty fry-up in front of me, but also a copy of the newspaper.
What headline catches my hung-over eye?
Well, right there on the front page is a headline that says Archbishop warns against State control of education.
Does he now? Would he prefer to leave it in the hands of the pervy fuckers who ran it for centuries and did such a great job of abusing our children and fucking with our heads? I see. What next? the Archbishop gives his views on nuclear power? Motorway design? Phosphates in the watercourses?
Look. I have only one piece of advice for the Archbishop. He can take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut. What the fuck do priests know about education or medicine? Fuck-all, that’s what. When Ratzo broke his wrist last week, did they send for a bishop to fix it?
And then I thumb through the paper and notice that the tribunal lawyers are taking a savage pay cut, due to the difficult times in which we live. Yup. A huge pay cut. Their daily rate is being reduced by €200.
That’s right. Their pay is cut by €200 per day.
Now, if that happened to most people it would mean that their pay was gone and they hadn’t a penny left, but luckily for the Tribunal lawyers, even though €200 per day is being taken off their pay, they still have €2,300 each and every day to struggle by on.
Not bad, is it? €2,300 a day?
Not bad at all, but here’s the nice bit. They should originally have been on €2,250 a day, only some fucking gobshite sent out a letter with a typo in it offering them €2,500 and the government decided they couldn’t retract the offer, even though it wasn’t what they agreed.
Who gets paid €2,250 a day and why? Who is worth that? Are they saving mankind? Diverting a rogue asteroid? Curing cancer? Killing Daniel O’Donnell?
No. They’re going into a fucking tribunal talking shite to other fuckers like themselves, chaired by another fucker just like them and getting fucking nowhere.
Why the fuck should lawyers get paid that much? In fact, why the fuck should lawyers be in the tribunals at all? They aren’t courts of law, which in themselves are a load of shite, operated for the enrichment of a small clique of idiot drunkards who just happen to speak the same jargon to the exclusion of those who pay their wages.
They should have hired people on the dole to run the Tribunals and they could have cut whatever the fuck they liked off the money. Or firemen or nurses or teachers. ‘Cause, you see, there’s no problem telling unemployed people, and old-age pensioners and firemen and nurses that they’re getting less, but you can’t tell that to barristers, even though it was only one letter and it was a mistake and that’s not what you agreed with them when you hired them.
No. You can’t do that if you’re the Irish government.
What other shit was in the paper?
Swine flu. Irish swine flu deaths “inevitable”.
Really? Well I have news. It’s the fucking flu. It always kills people. To read all this shit, you’d think it was the Black fucking Death. Bubonic plague.
It isn’t. It’s the fucking flu and the fucking flu fucking kills people all the time. If this particular flu didn’t have the word Swine associated with it, nobody would give a fuck. It’s the flu, for fucksake!
Meanwhile some fucking bastard in England nearly won some golf shit and they’re all amazed because he’s 59. So what? I fucking hate golf. It isn’t a sport. It’s a disease.
Meanwhile again, Real Madrid are playing Shamrock Rovers for some reason. I don’t care. I fucking hate soccer. A bunch of overpaid nancy-boys rolling around on the ground pretending they’re in agony. I hope some ignorant Rovers mucker ploughs through Ronaldo and gives him an injury he can really moan about.
There’s fucking farmers on the streets. Walter fucking Cronkite is dead. And that fucking eejit from the green party is gurning out at me. What’s his name? Dan Boyle, the fucking idiot.
Did you see the Greens’ latest policy? The country is fucking broke but they want to spend €3 billion building a fucking metro in North Dublin. Isn’t that great? We’re broke. They’re cutting the old-age pension, but the Greens want to build a metro for their kaftan-weaving gobshite right-on condescending brown-rice buddies.
They can fuck off too. I’ve had enough of newspapers for one day. And Greens.