New Religion Banishes Recession Worries

How are we going to make money? I demanded of Parkenstein.

Dunno, he replied.  Maybe we could sell our cute little asses.

Hmm, I muttered. Buyer’s market.  We’re fucked.

Or not, he mused.

Or not indeed, I nodded.  So what then?

Well, maybe we could sell people something to make them feel better in these recessionary times.

Drugs! I ejaculated.

No, he said.  Not fucking drugs, for fucksake.

Drink! I shouted.

Not drink either. Parkenstein buried his head in his one good hand.  We need something better than drink and drugs.

Better than drink and drugs.  That’s a tough one.  Sex, maybe?

Not sex, he said.  Next thing you know, they’ll be using the C-word.

Cunt? I ventured.

Commitment, replied Parkenstein.

Oh Jesus, I said.  That’s terrifying.

It is indeed, confirmed Parkenstein.  Appalling.  That won’t happen.  To make money, we need something else.  We need to sell people something they really want.  Make them feel young, attractive, happy, tanned, fit, thin, talented.

You mean we should set up a Hair, Nails and Chin clinic?

Well, said Parkenstein, HNC is a legitimate branch of medicine and I have already endowed a chair at the University of Hollywood, but no.  Not for making serious money.

No? I was astounded.  What then?

Well, he said, I was thinking.  What about setting up the Church of Scienticity?  It’ll be based on the idea that an incredibly good-looking alien lives just inside your eyebrow, and it can be released by paying the two of us a big fucking pile of money.

Hmm, I objected.  Isn’t that a heap of shite?

‘Tis, he nodded, sucking lazily on a Coconut Fool.  Your point?

Well, it’s supposed to be some sort of religion but in fact it’s all horseshit.

Parkenstein paused and raised himself on one elbow.  And your point is?

I considered for a moment.

Ah! I said.

6 replies on “New Religion Banishes Recession Worries”

That’s very funny, Bock! Just a couple of comments.

It’s not enough that the alien is incredibly good looking (I assume it would be of the sexual preference of the eyebrowed carrier). It might just rip apart the person as soon as it’s released from its eyebrow bottle. It has to be both good looking AND good being – at least according the person’s definition of good (which could be pretty damn bad).

Secondly, people will confuse Scienticity with Scientology.

-ity: status of being, state or quality of
-(o)nomy: systematic knowledge, rules, laws of
-(o)logy: study, science, theory, doctrine of

How about the Church of Igleanity – the religion of the Incredibly Good Looking Eyebrow Alien?

What’s the religious part of it (besides taking people’s money)? Does the person worship or pray to the alien? Can the person self-actualize to become an alien themselves? Can a person be damned to a different hairy area? Does the alien bring presents to all of the children on Igleamas? Stuff like that.

If you adopt my suggested name, I’d like a perpetual tithe, please – 4% of all donations is sufficient. And to meet the alien…

As a devout Pastafarian I find your post blasphemous. Luckily El Presidente has signed a law to take care of enemies of the people like you. I can only pray that you too will someday be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

Brilliant. The book; ‘Conversations with Parkenstein’ would make for great reading. Solutions to all your everyday problems. I think it would be a big seller.

Our country had been so much affected by this Economic Recession. there are lots of job cuts and company shutdowns. We are seeing some signs of economic recovery right now and we hope that it would continue.

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