Saint Paul’s Bones

 Posted by on July 1, 2009  Add comments
Jul 012009

They drilled a small hole in the wall, said the Pope, and they put in an automatic probe.

I like that, somehow. Here’s a guy who makes a living from being infallible, and from ordering all those bishops around, but just like the rest of us, when the plumbers arrive, they’re in charge, not him.

Now admittedly, these aren’t actual plumbers. These are the people who explored a tomb and found some old bones, which the Pope believes are those of Saint Paul the Misogynist. But still. In the final analysis, they’re a bunch of guys doing a bit of work around the house for the Vatican.

Excuse me, Mr Pope, I’ll have to ask you to to stand over there, if you wouldn’t mind.

And he does. The Pope steps out of the way like we all do when the guys arrive with the toolboxes and the ladders.

They drilled a small hole in the wall, said the Pope. But at least they fixed the light, and now the washing machine works again.

No. That’s not what he said, but it’s what I expected him to say.

They came with a Milwaukee 24-volt cordless, the Pope went on, and a metre-long 10mm SDS masonry bit. Personally, I prefer DeWalt.

I don’t know about you, but for me, somehow drilling holes in walls is not something I expect the Pope to be discussing. I thought Popes were big-picture guys, not detail people, but no. Not this Pope. Not Ratzo.

They drilled a small hole in the wall, and they put in an automatic probe.

So far so good. The Pope was sticking to the facts, but his sense of logic deserted him a little when he went on to interpret the results. You see, it’s widely believed that the tomb contains the bones of Saint Paul, and sure enough, when they inserted their little probe, it did indeed find some strands of linen, some gold thread and some bone fragments from a person who lived between the the first and second centuries.

Therefore, the test confirmed that somebody was buried there, and that the person could possibly have been Paul of Tarsus. Or it could have been somebody else who lived in the first century. Or the second.

What the probe did not find was a passport or a driving licence, or for that matter, an inscription saying

Here lie the bones of Paul the Misogynist, killed in an unfortunate beheading accident, 24th Feb, 0063.

No. What they found were some bones of someone who is still unidentified, unless of course, they have a close relative of Saint Paul for the DNA match, or maybe his dental records.

But they haven’t. All they got was some dust and yet this is sufficient for the Pope to claim that his plumbers have found their man.

This surely confirms the unanimous and uncontested belief that the tomb contains the mortal remains of the apostle Paul, says the Pope.

No it doesn’t. The Pope should stick to things he knows about, like cordless drills, and leave the logic to others.

It confirms that the thing is a tomb from the same century as Paul, and what’s more, the belief is neither unanimous nor uncontested.

Don’t get me wrong. I hope the tomb turns out to be Saint Paul’s, because if it is, it might be where they hid all his letters and postcards that the Mexicans and the Iranians and the Canadians sent back.

Not known at this address. Return to sender. Go away. Police notified.


Also on Bock:

Saint Paul’s Letters
Looking at Saint Therese’s Box

  23 Responses to “Saint Paul’s Bones”

Comments (23)

    All the same there is a real chance he is Jewish. That he is one exact Jew with a gra for scribbling letters. Well, that is very iffy indeed. In them days the Vatican was the town dump, a place where the really rancid stuff was carried. This did not include shit, piss and animal bone, all of which had a use. No the Vatican had that worst of the worst rep’. The dump for that which was poisonous and lower than animal. Basically Celts and Jews. So all in all, you take your bet. Jew, if they have the date near correct, a little better than evens. If they are short 20 years or so, then the headless one is Celt, odds on.


    Indeed, but the Pope is still wrong to say that it confirms the remains are those of Paul.

    it doesn’t.

    It might might support his theory, and it might even strengthen it, but it doesn’t confirm it.


    Why not get one of those airport sniffer dogs, lot more reliable than any plumber when it comes to dem bones and contraband gold threads.

    Also might clear up the third mystery of Fatima….Was St. Paul a drug mule for the Ephesians?


    That might explain why they didn’t answer his letters.


    St Paul was a Jew, who called himself the “Apostle of the Gentiles. Rome is eager to find anything to do with the Apostles as it confirms their self proclaimed status as the one true Church, in that the Holy See claim a direct line back to Jesus himself, St Peter, also an Apostle, being the first pope, Anyway, it helps Rome with their patronising claim that the other Christian denominations, whilst deserving of respect, are not receiving the Christian faith in its entirety. And maybe their right, maybe the Universal Church is the one true church. Afterall, Glasgow Rangers have never won the European Cup, and they never will, solid enough proof in my book that God is one of the Bhoys.


    I never really understood that Bhoys thing. How do you pronounce it?


    Thick Glaswegian accent, fucked if I can do it, maybe if someone bought me a few drams… Celtic fans call themselves Bhoys. Founded as a club for Irish immigrants in Glasgow in 1888, an Irish tricolour flies over Parkhead and the shamrock is on the club crest.

    Celtic win European Cup in 1967 – first British club to do so,

    Rangers fans were singing to them recently: “The famine is over why don’t you go home.”

    And Celtic fans were singing back: “The reformation is over why don’t you go back to Rome”

    Who said these guys haven’t got a keen interest in their history and religion- until the cider bottles start flying of course.


    I know what Celtic is. I just don’t know how Bhoy sounds different from Boy and I can’t hear a Glasgow accent in there.


    The first tangible bit of evidence the club have for their nickname is a postcard from the turn of the century which refers to the Celtic team of the time as “the bould bhoys” It is thought the extra letter in “boys” was added to phonetically represent the Irish pronunciation of the word, with a soft inflection of the h.

    That’s the best I can come up with.


    What – they pronounced it Voys?


    The Voys are back in town by the great Thin Lizzy, nope doesn’t have the same ring – are there any Jocks out there that can help us out in this matter, in the love and honour of God man?


    Hey Bock .the one about Padre Pio and the maltesers?


    what exactly is an automatic probe? is it something like those “spiders” in the film minority report?


    I can help with that question. An automatic probe is something that never happens in the Catholic church when priests are accused of abuse.


    Plumbers eh?I thought most members of the Vatican would be highly adept at sticking wires into small holes.Theres a tradesmans entrance joke somewhere there too but my toast is getting cold…


    The pronunciation originally was likened to the various kerry dialects and accents, like

    ‘for fotts srong vit dju fvy’? if you can understand that.

    The use of the letter H is the confusing bit, they more correctly should have used the letters F and V together to give the Kerry warped sound bfvy for boy. The pronunciation is achieved by lazily parting the lips when attempting speaking the word and spitting out the rest of it before the lips close on it. That is what gives an almost imperceptible B sound as the word is softly farted out.

    Anyway, the fecking pope knows fuck all about anything that doesn’t involve covering up for all his paedo buddies, and certainly knows sweet fuck all about the forensic archeological sciences.

    Even less about bones.


    I think I’ll continue to call them Celtic, with a sofy C obviously.

    Founded as a club for Irish immigrants, fly the Irish tricolour, shamrock is the club crest, yet call themselves a British club, they sound confused.

    I bet oul Ratzo knows how to pronounce Bhoys, he knows everything.


    Dem bones could have been the bones belonging to a first century “hide and seek ” champion.
    Sorry, couldn’t resist!


    St Paul was a doomsday sayer, so was all including Jesus (if he existed) now every ten years since Jesus there have been morons with placards saying “the end is near”

    But so what if the bones belong to Paul, and who cares.
    All he was, was a ordinary guy in a extraordinary situation, with a blind belief in a man who said he was the son of god, and he lost his head because of it, so much for divine intervention.
    All blind believers please go read “jesus interrupted” by Bart Ehrman.


    Some rewriting of graffiti will have to go on around Ghlasgow’s Cheltic Phark sho.

    ” The Bhoy Jesus shaves…….and Moses shoots and schores from the rebhound ! ”

    Come to think of it, I blame Ronan Keating for this bhoy shite.


    Why should anyone care about this fake discovery when a much more important holy relic has already been discovered in Stephan Huller’s book, the Real Messiah:

    Huller went to Venice and proved that the Throne of St. Mark in the Basilica San Marco dates to the beginning of Christianity. It proves that Christianity started in Egypt rather than Rome (the title ‘Pope’ or Papa is universally acknowledged to have been appropriated from Alexandria).

    This is a real historical object, i.e. it is not a fake. You can see it with your own two eyes the next time you go to Italy. It is also being made into a TV documentary for a US Cable network.

    Again, why waste your time with this nonsense about ‘bones of St. Paul’ (the authoritative canon does not specify a location for Paul’s death); it is completely fake.

    You don’t have to buy Huller’s book. Go to his blog instead



    Could someone please explain why Glasgow Celtic has a soft ‘C’ when all other references -Celtic language, Celtic music, Celtic Sea, Celts have a hard ‘C’.


    This may or may not answer your question.

Leave a Reply