You know the recession is definitely here when they’re praying to a tree.
A tree, for fucksake. They’re all out praying to a fucking tree.
Somebody cut down a tree in the church grounds and another gobshite said Look! It’s the Virgin fucking Mary! so now, all the tinkers in Rathkeale are flocking to the Holy Tree Stump, praying to Our Lady of the Growth Rings.
Not only that, but 2,000 fools have signed a petition to prevent the tree stump from being uprooted. Meanwhile, the local priest has urged people to be calm.
It’s only a tree, says Father Willie Russell. You can’t worship a tree.
As a man who worships a biscuit, Father Willie seemed unaware of the irony in this statement. Meanwhile, his bishop warned against superstition, also apparently unaware of the irony, given that he himself believes God has a mother, that a man can rise from the dead, and that he can wave his hands and turn a biscuit into Jesus.
There won’t be a tree safe in the whole of Limerick once the Pavees get chopping. They’ll be out in the markets selling pieces of the One True Tree. They’ll be telling you this is where Saint Patrick planted his personal relic of the True Cross, and this is where it sprouted Holy Mary’s Shrub.
D’ya want a piece of the Virgin’s Bush, Boss? It’ll keep your gutters clean and it can tarmac your drive. Go on. I’ll say a prayer for ya. It’s from a virgin forest.
We’re back in the silly season, I’m afraid. Back in the land of moving statues and crying Baby Jesi. Apparitions everywhere you look.
On dogs’ arseholes.
On slices of toast.
There was even a Virgin Mary on the cover of Playboy’s Mexican edition.
Whatever next? I ask myself.
But then I stop, and remind myself that I’m not immune from believing insane things either. For instance, I once believed that bankers were sober, conservative, essentially honest people, and now look at us!
If I was prepared to swallow that, I’m hardly qualified to laugh at a bunch of tinkers worshipping a fuckin old tree stump, now am I?
Already we’re getting pingbacks of the This could only happen in Ireland variety.
Give me fucking strength!
Medugorje isn’t in Ireland, and neither is Lourdes, or Fatima, nor the lunatic American bible belt.
Elsewhere, a suggestion that the apparition might not be what it seems
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