What The Fuck is Golf?

Down with golf


What is that?


Jesus Christ, you’d have to wonder, wouldn’t you?

Now look, I know you’ll probably disagree with me about this, but really, seriously, how could anyone call golf a sport? An activity where prematurely-old people walk around a field talking shit and selling each other toxic assets is a sport?  I don’t think so.

A money-making scam that knocks down more rainforest than a McMillion  McDonald McOutlets is not a fucking sport.  It’s a criminal conspiracy


Jesus Christ!

What is it about golf that pisses me off so much?  Is it the stupid  trousers?


Is it some of the smug self-satisfied bastards who play it and follow it?


Is it the fact that they don’t play against anyone?  Certainly.

Golf is a sport in the same way that doing a crossword is a sport.

That’s right: it isn’t a sport.  It’s a mental illness.

And yet, golf takes up huge tracts of land, swallows endless supplies of water we can’t afford and attracts the worst gobshites in the whole world all onto the same field to talk utter shite and finalise crooked deals to rob the rest of us blind, the fucking bastards.

That wouldn’t be too bad, if golfers weren’t boring.

You don’t believe me?  I give you Exhibit One: Pádraig Harrington.

Surgeons hire Pádraig Harrington to talk to patients before castration operations.  He talks and people pass out.

Bee-keepers pay Pádraig Harrington to lull swarms of killer hornets.

Police forces engage Pádraig Harrington to sedate PCP-crazed killers and quell riots.

Padraig Harrington can knock out all communication withing a hundred-mile radius just by talking.  He’s a one-man electro-magnetic pulse, and yet this man is one of golf’s heroes along with Tiger Woods and some seventeen-year-old who can hit a ball further than Saturn.

So what?  It’s just guys with a crooked stick hitting a ball.

It isn’t a sport.

I’m going to organise marches on the homes of known golfers in our area and drive them out.  Concerned parents Against Golf.

Did I read recently that they were going to put it in the Olympics?

Golf?  In the Olympics?  I thought the Olympics was for athletes, and now they’re going to put fucking golf in it.  What next — darts?

The precedent is there.  Synchronised swimming, for Christ’s sake. Synchronised swimming. A sport.  And that jumping around in a swimsuit waving a ribbon.  What is that?

What the fuck is that?  Pre-pubescent pole-dancing isn’t an Olympic sport for fucksake.


You might as well have tap-dancing in the fucking Olympics.

You can just see those ancient Greeks after the wrestling.

Come on Leonidas, let’s have a game of naked golf.

Oh all right then, Androcles, just as soon as I scrape this oil from my bronzed pectorals. How did you get on in the synchronised swimming?

Not too bad, Leonidas, but I was probably better in the running-around-like-a-complete-fool-waving-a-ribbon competition.  And then I met this guy who tried to talk to me but I fell asleep.

Really? Who was that?

Don’t know, but he plays something called ????

????. You mean golph?

That’s it. Fella by the name of Harringbone, or something like that.


47 thoughts on “What The Fuck is Golf?

  1. Golf would be a hobby you can turn into a profession, kind of like prostitution i suppose. I took up guitar fiddling in my late 16’s, (under the guidance of unstranger i might add) and that turned into a profession, of sorts. I have been called a Sport by some grateful song requesters, would that count to get me on the bill in london 2012? i’d throw in the 20metre dash to the jacks as a freebie. Darts would be good but only if the mouldy pidgeon stays stuck to end of the javelin. leave in the jumping around in a swimsuit waving a ribbon, but change the ribbon colour to yellow and all participants should be overweight, over 40, overanxious, and a clapomitor introduced if any screamer reamers are included in the team. Synchronised swimming teams with a dedicated Drowner in each team would be a welcome change. But, i honestly think that the parallel bar routine should actually be moved to the special olympics for participants with no legs. I’d say there’s lots more i could think of but i have to get my Tea.

  2. You could be on to something here. What if Michael Jackson had bought himself a Harrington!
    He’d still be here and posing a threat to kids and his doctor wouldn’t be facing murder charges!!

    Then again, why would a paedo be worth having around?

    Naw, must be better uses for golfers.

    p.s. the comment page has two golf ads attached, automatically generated obviously!!

  3. In ancient Greece the athletes used compete bollocks naked. Sorry lads there were no women allowed -except for Caster Semenya – and no female spectators either. Imagine the relay race. Aristotle is tearing toward the last bend, hotly pursued by Plato. Socrates is waiting patently to accept the baton to sprint to glory. He doesn’t look as he reaches back his hand. Suddenly, Aristotle is screaming in agony – “that’s not the baton you grabbed Socrates, you thick fuck.” Plato canters home to gold.

    I’m all for the female beach volley ball at the Olympics, except for the scoring, an unnecessary distraction some say.

    Golf is bollocks.

  4. I’m pleased to inform all those interested that an ever vigilant like minded group called LAG (League Against Golf) has been active for about 8 years. We actively, unfortunately we were unsucessful, championed Pole Dancing as an alternative olympic sport. An unlikely pairing of the Masons and Opus Dei saw us down.

  5. Jazzus Bock, golf is’nt such a bad game,I don’t think it should be in the Olympics though!

  6. “Jazzus Bock, golf is’nt such a bad game”

    Golf is to sports what Herod was to childrens rights.

  7. You hit the nail on the head bock ‘prematurely aged’ people. I’d like to add pretentious fuck wit wine drinkers to that ‘prematurely aged’ group.

  8. That’s my point. If it’s not good enough to be in the Olympics — which it isn’t — then it fits somewhere between darts and 45, but with ten times the bullshit. How much do they charge for membership these days?

  9. Golf is so fucking boring to watch on TV. I remember being in a pub years ago with La Familia over the Christmas and some old cunts were watching golf instead of soccer(or hentai). A waste of fucking electricity putting that shit on there.

  10. Pretty much like you this last year or so. Are you sure you’re not secret club swinger yourself.

  11. Wasn’t it the Jewish comedian Groucho Marx, that said; “I’d never be a member of a club that would have a person like me as a member

  12. Golf. Another one of those old-man sports that they’d gladly spend hours a day watching it on TV despite the fact it’s boring drivel.

    Kinda like bowls.

  13. Theres a group in the States attempting to introduce pole dancing into the Olympics actually.. their referring to it as the ‘vertical pole’ methinks and want it in with the rhytmic gymanastics malarkey. I can actually see it being introduced because,in fairness,if ya had a choice of judging the target shooting or 3 days of pole dancing…hmmmm..how exactly DO you become an expert on the judging of the pole..must check the FAS website…

  14. Im over the moon here knowing im not the only one who hates this game,yes its a game,how they can call it a sport is beyond comprehension,it is without doubt the most boring dull use of a ball ever concieved,its an excuse for unhappy men to get away from very ugly wives for a day.the bullshit that surrounds this game is unreal,the snobbery sickening,yet it seems the wannabes are invading it at a healthy rate,fair play to them i say,if they want to make money and pretend to be something they are not by bragging about favourite courses etc their calloway club,their fees,let them off,ruin it for the snobs having to share a green with a gasp(factory worker)if you start a league against golf i will sign up.

  15. Anyone who slags golf has never spent six hours wandering through a game with a couple of doobies, a six-pack of 7up cans and a bag of KitKats. Okay so I’ve been banned from Powerscourt for life, but it was a very relaxing experience.

  16. I’m as miffed over the whole golf thing as you, Bock. Perhaps the worse part is the douches at work who curry favor with the boss because he’s a duffer. Oh, he holds court around the breakroom in the morning, all the little wannabe golf gurus hanging on his every word about birdies and pars and irons. Drives me crazy that this is the same guy who’ll rag on others for standing around for 10 minutes dissing the latest movie, yet his little entourage can loiter around for the better part of an hour chatting it up about golf.

    And don’t even get me started on poker! For crapsakes, they broadcast poker “tourtnaments” on ESPN now! Any game you can play in your boxers while drinking beer and smoking a stogey ain’t a sport! Of course, substitute pajamas for boxers and now we’re right back at golf…

  17. Mister Out — That was the very fellow, and I wholeheartedly agree with him.

    TheChrisD — it’s probably ok if you’re playing it. Probably.

    Dazman — Why not? They have synchronised swimming, and walking. Walking, for fucksake!

    Batman– That’s it. A game but not a sport. They might as well let snooker into the Olympics.

    K8 — I often wandered around golf courses, but not with a bag of clubs and not in daylight.

    Gary — Try it again. You still won’t like it.

  18. K8, I’m with u man! that’s how I play too, ain;t it great! live and let live boyz, if ya don’t like it, don;t watch it or play it then! fair enough though I would’nt want to see it in the olympics, but as a casual pass time I don;t mind the ould socialable round now and again, I also don;t mind fishin!!! aaahhhh…please don’t hammer me!!!

  19. Rob O, I agree with you about the way they put poker on as a sport. Another boring shitfest clogging up airtime on TV.

  20. golf is a game played with 14 different bats and you have 4 shots to knock the ball down the hole 3 on some holes and 5 on others you have to knock your ball down 18 different holes taking no more than 72 shots see easy,,,,,,,,,,,,, he he he he he

  21. You know what, I find I agree completely with you here Boch. Certainly the worse thing about golf is the people who play it, gobshites one and all. My brother plays golf and he’s the biggest gobshite I know.

  22. Re brenyn / 35.. 10 minutes later and my sides are still aching… I dont remember reading quotes of this guy in Colemanballs… great post, made my morning..

  23. I’ll never understand the game of golf. Whats the point in it??? It’s just a bunch of old farts using sticks to hit balls into holes………… Why dont they play a civilised game like snooker……..

  24. I used to work as a caddy on the Royal Dublin course as a gorsoon. I was perfectly ambivalent about the game up until that point. Sometimes y’got judges; sometimes y’got captains of industry, and sometimes arseholes pretending to be captains of industry.
    A few days of listening to the opinions of the entitled of this country and I had been stained to my soul with a deep hatred for: people who make a living by owning stuff, people who make a living sending other people to prison and people who brag openly and often about their ability to exploit others.

    It was an eye-opener. There is probably nothing actual inherent about hitting a ball with a stick that turns people into shits, but my experiences did leave me with an irrational hatred for the game that I’ve never really conquered. The sight of a set of clubs is still vaguely nausiating to me: the sight of those stupid hats and trousers,— well actually the hats and trousers have always been nausiating.

  25. Exactly. The stupid hats and trousers.

    And the fact that it isn’t a sport but still pretends to be. Remember what Steve Davis said.

  26. Bah! You’re all missing the real scandal here: Olympic dressage. Yes, you heard me, training an animal to walk sideways is right up there alongside the 100m sprint, boxing, and basketball.

    Where is your God now, eh?


  27. Darren, you’re right. Golf seems to be played by a lot of pretentious gobshites.
    My boss said to me recently that he couldn’t make it to a night out as the wife wanted to go to the Kay Club. I pretended I miss heard him and said “wha, your wife wants to go to a gay club? Ah ok. Wouldn’t you maybe tell your parents first”.. Colleague starts roaring laughing.. and I told him to stop, it took him months to build up the courage to tell us and you shouldn’t be laughin. ha Fucking Kay club.. mutton dressed as lamb I tell ya.

  28. Actually that’d be mutton dressed in a silly hat and trousers.
    I have to admit though, I like pitch and putt. Tis great craic, no gobshites, quicker than golf and you can scream out fore for the fun of it.

  29. A: golf is the most primitivive form of agriculture.
    B: watching golf is like watching paint dry.
    C: golf in the Olympics? Then we need new games like 300 meters obstacle masturbation.

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