Bertie Ahern Writes His Autobiography: PS I Screwed You

How I sank the country and walked away laughing. And other stories.

Bertie Ahern is signing copies of his autobiography, PS, I Screwed You.

It’s up to you which signature you prefer — an X or a thumb-print.


It tells the story of a simple corner-boy who overcame huge handicaps to become leader of his nation.

A complete idiot, he was nevertheless blessed with extraordinary native cunning and the ability to tell outrageous lies with a straight face.  His proudest boast was that he knew absolutely nothing about anything, and never would.


Though he never learned to read, write or speak any known language coherently, Ahern gained control of the ruling party and in the most spectacular political feat in Irish history, managed to crash an entire economy and reduce the state to bankruptcy while remaining popular with his many followers.

The book is available in all good booksellers, retailing at €16.99, or £15 sterling in used notes thrown off the back of a speeding motorbike.

38 replies on “Bertie Ahern Writes His Autobiography: PS I Screwed You”

He is coming to a book signing in a well known book shop on O’Connell st Limerick, some day next week, not sure which day, maybe we should all greet him.

Looks about 12 pages long from the photo. After telling us about his accomplishments, how does he fill the remaining eleven and three quarter pages? Maybe a reprint of some articles from the Sunday World? Or maybe he says ‘not on my watch’ 700 times. Or jokes about Brian Cowan. Or how he spends his pension.

What a repugnant little hoor.

I’m bringing some piano wire and have picked out a nice lamp post. Problem is watch the gobshites buy this crap. Im told he only takes payments in cash in brown envelope.

Give me a couple days and I’ll whip up some 8″ x 10″ color glossies of him and various (slightly) underage female types in compromising positions with himself you all can pass out to the folks who might be milling around. I’m not saying they’ll be photoshop’d but…okay, they might be photoshop’d but hey…I’m good.

Ah now lads yous don’t understand. Bertie was teashop of Ireland and King to be. He single handily solved the problems of the World. An everyone loves him. An wot’s a bleedin few quid between mates? Yous should all buy the Book. He needs another few quid.

I think I read somewhere that he writes that hes gonna wait til his self righteous fucking head is 60 before ‘running for president’…not on MY watch kiddo…must tip into town and see if I can find a copy of Mein Kampf that his dust jacket will fit on and get the cunt to sign it…

There would be no need to disguise the book. Bertie would sign anything. Remember the blank cheques for the Boss? Charles by the grace of God Ard Ri.

I’m amazed that a man who cannot recollect large fragments of his life can put together an Autobiography. I cant help but wonder how accurate it is!
I would rather see Ian Paisley or Dana elected as president before this gangster.

saw him in kilkenny yesterday great crowd to salute the greatest of the greats… can ye all tell me how much he took since ye know it all?

I love it. The Fianna Fáil backwoodsmen in full inarticulate flow.

Are your veins standing up on your forehead, Liam? Is the tip of your tongue sticking out as you struggle to type the words?

Liam, since you’re an insider, you’d be better positioned to tell us exactly how much Bertie took, but since you’re asking, you could do worse than start here.

If you have trouble with any of the complicated bits, just drop a line and I’ll talk you through it.

How’s that? I can’t say fairer, now can I?

Bock initially I thought this thing was the one of many names. However it seems that it is a semi-literate Bertie lover . I find it amusing that it should criticise the command of written English. Hopefully it has spent a fortune on Bertie’s book.

‘Are your veins standing up on your forehead, Liam? Is the tip of your tongue sticking out as you struggle to type the words?’ Bock you are hilarious.. (not being sarcastic)

Gary, why are you calling a person ‘it’! No one is an ‘it’.

Audrey the vast majority of people are not “it”. In my opinion this thing is an exception. A throw back to a bygone age of F.F. sycophants. I find it’s adoration of the great God Bertie utterly repulsive.

i rest my case not one can answer my question. god didint Bertie achieve an awful lot for a ‘semi literate’ man. leading a record 3 governments, bringing peace to Northern Ireland, becoming president of the EU. So tell me what have ye literate people achieved thats better than that?

You’re right, Liam, Bertie has done many things that I have not, such as:
Inviting people who disagreed with him to commit suicide
Hiding money from his wife
Committing adultery
Bringing home a suitcase of cash from Manchester
Signing blank cheques
Buying elections with false promises and lies
Destroying the country
Making Ireland a laughing stock

I have done a few things though, that Bertie has not, for example:
I have paid taxes on every penny I earn.

If Bertie is “the greatest of the greats”, then God help us all.

Just to cheer up the entity know as Liam. It will no doubt be happy to know that it’s God has avoided another € 50,000 in tax at the expense of us peasants, due to his “contribution to Irish literature” Point indeed well made entity one can fool most of the People most of the time.

i have to agree with you liam this is all off the cuff sort of talk when and where did he sign these ‘blank cheques’ and what evidence do you have that suggests he brought home ‘a suitcase of cash from Manchester’? These are all media driven myths. It cost the country 8 billion to run the mahon tribunal and yet they could charge him with nothing. now that is a scandal. Where did the mahon tribunal go the minute Bertie stepped down? The media had made their money im afraid.

i hear bertie is hoping to avoid paying tax on sales of his book by availing of the tax incentive for artists. thing is i thought that only applied to works of fiction.

Liam — If you had taken the trouble to follow my link, which you didn’t bother to do because you’re not in the business of facts but of waffle and bluster, you would have seen that I quoted very specific figures identified by the Mahon tribunal.

However, you didn’t come here to talk reality. You came here to shout down anyone who criticises Bertie, in time-honoured FF fashion. That doesn’t work here, kid. Save it for the church gate.

Incidentally, Liam, you wrote another comment here using the name Mary. Do you take me for a complete fool?

Liam / Mary, you have shown yourself to be a two-faced dishonest chancer, but why am I surprised? After all, you are a Bertie supporter.

I love it, Bock, good catch!
We should have recognised the poor punctuation, but “Mary” spells better than poor ol’ “Liam”.

No wonder Bertie won so many elections – he’s Mr. every man and Ms. every woman now, we see!
Dual identity, dual gender, what else – bi-location?
Bertie’s supporter would have to be as wriggly as Bertie himself.

The comments policy is there to protect bona fide commenters.

Since Liam / Mary has abused our trust, it no longer enjoys protection, and you may feel free to call it whatever names you consider appropriate, the gobshite.

Bock Gobshite? You are much too gentle. Follower of Bertie a much worse insult. It may of course have a partner using the same system which is frightening they may breed.

I can just imagine Gary.. Liam calls Mary over after she’s made him his coffee, ‘here Mary man talk, be a good little lass and write exactly what I tell you or I’ll put you over my knee’.

I suspect Audrey you have almost hit the nail on the head. However I suspect having made him dinner, cleaned the house and made the bed. She hears a shout from downstairs “ get here woman our Leader needs us . We shall follow him to glory” this being Nollag Na Mon he should have been doing the work. It probably dragged her by the hair into it’s cave so I suppose we should understand.

just wondering did any of ye see Berties interview sunday night? think he showed the mahon tribunal to be one big heap of shite.. fianna fáil rising in the polls already fine gael in turmoil after screwing george lee… roll on election 2012 fianna fáil abu

Joe the sick thing is you are right! The sheep will form an orderly line to be buggered and then slaughtered.

Bock yes I did retire to the wilderness. However a gloating remark about the Great God Bertie managed to get through to me and I felt obliged to reply. If I have offended I apologise and shall now return to my hut in the woods .

Audrey thanks for the hug. But you risk the wrath of Lord Bock. You have responded to my post a bad mistake and you are off topic. Only Zeus and all the Gods may save you .

Bertie screwed Mother Ireland for years, legged up all the time by Fianna Fail. Mother Ireland meanwhile paid him for the privilege. In fact poor Mother Macree is still paying him. Meanwhile the offspring have no jobs or have emigrated or committed suicide as suggested by this caring soul.
Bertie is like the landlords of old who lived off the fat of the land on other peoples misery. Bertie and his Fianna Fail bastard pals need to be taught a salutary lesson just like the those landlords (many Irish among them, don’t be fooled by the history books) who fucked the Irish in times past.
Still one in four vote for them. The Irish are a really stupid people.

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