Our badgers, mink and stags are safe.
The Greens are staying in government, having hammered out a series of concessions on things that were going to happen anyway, things that might happen if there was any money, things that are completely irrelevant and things that can’t happen.
The feared super-tax on kaftan-weaving won’t now happen and the yoga levy is to be scrapped.
All around our coasts, the Ego Worriers are going to build a vast array of wave-powered dreamcatchers to harvest our most valuable natural resource: self-delusion. To operate this mighty complex of machinery, workers who lost their jobs in the downturn will be intensively reskilled in Transcendental Meditation.
Once this vital infrastructure is in place, Ireland will be in a position to deliver on the key Green commitment: to make everything a lot better very quickly.
This will be achieved by magic thinking and circular breathing.
The Greens have promised to provide 100% broadband by 2012, starting from today when we only have fraudband.
There’s a firm commitment that someone from IT will take our Minister for Communications aside and explain to him the difference between real broadband and mobile broadband, and also if there’s time, to explain to him what the internet is.
Third level fees won’t be reintroduced, which is possibly the one thing that was most feared by pensioners and poor people, but registration fees will quietly double instead.
The Greens also promise that there will be 6,000 more electric vehicles on the streets over the next three years, thus ensuring that exhaust fumes are removed from Dublin and shifted down the country where the power stations are located and where there are no real people — just actors to make the place look authentic when the Green party visit their sustainable holiday homes.
Almost everything will be Smart in the new Green Ireland. We’ll have a Smart Economy, Smart Food, Smart Forestry, Smart Fish, Smart Tourism and Smart Money. There will be Smart Dogs and Smart Cats.
Smart Mountains, Smart Rivers. Smart Scenery.
This will be an extraordinary transformation from the current stupidity, and all achieved by unleashing the limitless powers of magic thinking.
Smarties will be the new unit of currency.
We won’t have Smart Clothes though, because they’re made by child slave labour in Burma.
Public transport, which is mainly for people in Dublin, will be revolutionised. There will be fewer trains and buses but you’ll have a better idea of how badly the system is working. By 2011, all towns and cities will have RTPI systems in place. This stands for Real-time Passenger Information, which is a way of letting you know that your bus is late, cancelled or gone too early. The RTPI will be beamed directly to your brain by a dedicated team of reskilled psychics.
A new nuclear energy detector will be installed at the interconnector with Britain to make sure they don’t send us any of that filthy atomic electricity because we’re Irish, and our Greens are even greener than the German Greens, who think nuclear power is good.
Tarot-card printing and hair-braiding have been identified as core industries to be promoted, but most vitally for the nation’s survival, the Greens have negotiated a cast-iron commitment from Fianna Fáil to perhaps at least consider looking at the possibility of maybe turning Dublin’s GPO into a theatre at some stage if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.
And of course, there’s NAMA, but that’s a small price to pay now that the badgers are safe.