Bishops and Their Money

 Posted by on December 5, 2009  Add comments
Dec 052009
 

How do bishops make their money? inquired The Creature, from his position on the floor.

Let me alone, I assured him. My head is killing me.

Of course it is, he groaned.  That’s because we were out all day yesterday and then we went to the Jaydrinkers, and then nothing would do you but to invite a crowd back to your place for more wine and singing.

Jaywalkers, I told him. The fucking Jaywalkers.

Whatever.

Let me alone, I said.  I’m dying. What do you want? Who are you?  How did you get into my house?

Bishops, he insisted.  How do they make their money?

How the fuck do I know? Maybe there’s a lot of profit in abusing altar-boys.

Doubt it, he muttered. Costs a fortune buying all those sweets.  Do you mind if I roll up a spliff?

I certainly do. Fuck off.

Maybe they do endorsements, he mused.

Like opening supermarkets?

Sex shops, he said.

Right.

Or let’s say a big company is bringing out  new line in bishop’s hats.

Celebrity bishops?

That kind of thing. All the kids would want a hat with a famous bishop’s signature on it.  And his number.

Which is bullshit, I said, since they’re probably all made in a Chinese sweatshop by eight-year-olds working for three cents a day.

Yeah, he said, and then they sell them into the shops for huge money.

That makes me sick.  People buying Ratzo outfits for their kids and the poor starving Chinese children getting nothing for it.

I suppose they’d make money from equipment as well.

Such as? I said.

Well, let’s say Slazenger bring out a new range of graphite croziers.  They’ll need a famous bishop to say he uses it.  Slo-mo shots of him hitting an Irish government minister with it.  Or a Polish president.  Crozier bending under the impact and whipping back.  Grainy, black-and-white stuff.  Bishop drinking Power-Ade, unshaven. Buffed. Wife-beater t-shirt.  You know the kind of thing.

They’ll need a signature on the shaft.

They sure will.  And a big-name bishop can really clean up there.

Did you ever see a bishop with a beard?

Yeah.  That guy in Westminster.

Doesn’t count.  He’s Anglican.

Well, all those Orthodox guys.

No. They’re Russian.  Doesn’t count

Even the Greek guys?

Especially the Greek guys.  Doesn’t count.

Your point is?

Gillette. They’ll be looking for someone to replace Tiger Woods and Thierry Henry in the ads.

They will?

Sure they will. Henry and Woods are both cheats.

I stare at him coldly.  Whereas bishops on the other hand are..?

Above reproach, he grins. Are you sure I can’t roll up a spliff?

  10 Responses to “Bishops and Their Money”

Comments (9) Pingbacks (1)
  1.  

    Your humour as ever on this subject, strikes a happy chord with me Mr Bock. I raise a glass to you in silent mockery of those fecking divils and their ways.

    Slainte.

  2.  

    Feckin feckers, Mr Bastard. We’ll grind ’em down yet.

  3.  

    Bishops With Beards, aren’t they the gay ones?
    The ones with the funny hats?
    And the big rings?

    :¬)

  4.  

    The Pontifical University at Maynooth and the Milltown Institute is supported by Vote under the Dept of Education. And it is time for them to pay Tax along with every other so called Charity. Another target might be those Drunk Tanks where it is more expensive in all of them than it is to send someone to Betty Ford in Arizona where all the Celebs attend.

  5.  

    What is totally ironic/fucking hilarious is that the google ad that comes with your post notification is ‘Clergy Shirts 70% off’ I shit thee not Bockman.

  6.  

    Tiger Woods only had to collide his Escalade with a fire hydrant to make an international news incident that ran for days. Hardly an event of great note.

    We seem to have a lot of unorthodox bishops, maybe we’d be better off with the orthodox ones.

    Nuts

  7.  

    The Vatican have declared that dishonesty, child rape and cover up of same is a not for profit activity. However Father Tadhg O`Donovan has been stood down for the sins of declartion of an absolute truth and commercial activity. I and many other faithful agree with him that the revenue commissioners are the greatest shower of bastards on the face of this planet. It seems however that the pope has ruled the bishops and priests weren`t paid for raping children, thats ok then.

  8.  

    Did he roll up the spliff?

  9.  

    Bock, in thanks for you humor I shall when in Limerick place two or several pints of stuff on the counter of your favourite pub the better for you and your thirst. No words need you fell upon my ears such is my gratitude to you for your writings. Silence may prevail between us and the demolition of these beverages brought to a halt a nick of the head will suffice to signal your departure. Should hunger be a state in which your corporal being dwells fear not as a hearty meal boisterous in its format will find its way to table where you sit.. Such is my sense of joy at the oulandishness of your written thoughts .

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