Unless you’ve been living in another galaxy, or you were a bishop, you can’t have failed to notice the uproar that erupted in Ireland following publication of the Ryan report on the sexual and physical abuse of children by religious orders, and the Murphy report which detailed a calculated cover-up of crimes by the Catholic clergy.
I must admit I had little confidence in the Catholic church’s capacity to address these horrors, but the Pope has proven me wrong. While Irish bishops in Rome are more plentiful than crab-lice on a parish priest, all pleading ignorance and innocence (I didn’t know it was wrong to be fucking little boys up the arse, please let me keep my job, please, ah go on go on go on …), the Pope was getting the real story from Brady and Martin.
They’re a shower of bastards, Ratzo. You have to do something about them. They’ll fuck it up for all of us if the Irish people realise what we’re up to.
Ja ja ja. Ich habe ein Spezialplan out-geworken. Ich will, in der neues Jahres, einen Brief schrieben, ja? Nicht war?
A letter, Holy Father? You’ll send them a letter?
Naturlich! Ich will einen grossen Pastoralbrief schicken.
But Ratzo, the people are out lynching priests and nuns.
Niemals you worry about these hodensacker. Mein Plan will alles fixen.
So there you have it. Just when we despaired. Just when we thought the Pope couldn’t give a flying fuck about the clergy’s activities in Ireland as long as his money was safe, he has made an earth-shattering announcement. Ratzo is on the case, and Ratzo is moving decisively very soon now to interevene in the whole filthy business by … well, by writing us a letter.
When? Real soon now. Maybe some time next year, Ireland is getting a letter from Ratzo. Dear Ireland, Don’t worry. Be happy. All the best, My Holiness.
Phew. Isn’t that a relief?
Previously on Bock: