Satan Braces The Opposition

Trouble in Paradise

–  Hey Gabriel!  Long time no see!  Raphael, my man, what’s happenin’?

–  Sataniel!  Hey!   It’s been, what, all of creation since I seen ya. Where you been, Bro?

– Just call me Satan, buddy. Satan’s fine. That’s my name these days. Satan.

– Ok, eh, Satan. So how’s tricks? What you been doin?

–  Ah, you know.  A bit of this.  A bit of that.  I just thought I’d drop by, chew the fat, talk over old times.  Where’s Michael?

–  He’s out back havin’ a smoke with those other guys.  Hey, give this guy a cold beer.  He looks like he needs it.

–  Other guys?  Oh yeah.  The guys no-one knows.  Uriel, isn’t it?  And no, wait, lemme think – Phanuel, Zarachiel and, and  … aw shit!  It won’t come to me.

–  Simiel.  His name is Simiel. He does the proclaiming around here. You slipping, Sataniel?  You findin The Life tough goin?

–  They used to call us the El Team.  Remember, Gabe?  Remember?  Before I had my little fallin’ out, so to speak.  Hey , here comes Mikey.  Yo, Mikey.  What’s happenin?

Haiti Appeal

– Don’t call me Mikey, and I won’t call you Lucy. What do you want?

– Hey Michael, there’s no need to be —

– Cut the shit, Sataniel.  You were like a brother to me.  A brother!  And now look at you.  Lucifer, The Bearer of Light, my ass!!  Now look at you, all dressed up like some two-bit pimp.

– Jeez, Michael, gimme some slack.  I’ve been away runnin my own operation.  It isn’t easy to keep it all together.  Sometimes you gotta dress to impress, y’know?

–  What do you want, Sataniel?  Have you any idea what the Boss will do if he finds out you ‘ve been sneaking in the back door, drinkin his beer, smoking his blow?  Have you the slightest idea?  Are you nuts?

– Well, see, Mikey — sorry – Michael, that’s the thing .  I keep my guys away from your operation.  I don’t try to make your guys look bad, and all I ask in return is a little mutuality.  A little professional respect.  And I want to tell you, I am not happy with this operative you have put on me.

– Say again?

– This agent of yours, tryin to make me look bad with all this Haiti shit.

– You’ve lost me, Satan.

– You mean he isn’t one of your guys?

– Who?

– Pat Robertson.  He’s not one of yours?  It’s not a covert op to give me a bad name?

– No.  We thought he was one of yours.

– He ain’t one of mine.  Do you think I’d keep a chump like that on the payroll for more than five seconds without whackin him?  Come on.  Gimme a break!

– So if he isn’t one of yours, and he’s not one of ours, then who is he?

– I don’t know, but I reckon your Boss ain’t gonna be pleased.  I reckon your Boss is gonna revert to traditional methods for Mr Robertson

– Agreed. I think we’ll have to hold a joint operation.

– Get medieval on his ass?

– Quite.

8 thoughts on “Satan Braces The Opposition

  1. The following is from the Minneapolis Star Tribune:
    Dear Pat Robertson,
    I know that you know that all press is good press, so I
    appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks
    people when they are down, so I’m all over that action. But when you
    say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I
    may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making
    a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the
    afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get
    something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame,
    glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean
    nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen
    “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti,
    there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs,
    Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my
    style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll. You’re
    doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just,
    come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad.
    Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we
    may need to renegotiate your own contract.
    Best, Satan

  2. Hey Bock. Did you ever read “Good Omens” by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman? If not, then you must.

  3. Maybe he does chief but there is a similar line of thought throughout that particular book.
    Brilliantly funny even if aimed at the “Youngers”

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.