It’s GUBU-time for the DUP as it convulses in all its buttoned-up prudery.
This is the party that would have a nice cup of tea with Jesus if he ever reappeared. The party of born-again evangelism and self-righteous condemnation when it comes to SINNING!
No sinners in the Democratic Unionist Party, let me tell you, and no sinful, evil children in Belfast’s playgrounds on the Lord’s Day either, by golly-gosh. No indeed.
How proud they were when Iris Robinson, MP for Strangford and wife of the First Minister, Peter Robinson, spoke out so forcefully against the evils of homosexuality. How frantically Wild Willie strummed at his banjo when Iris informed the world that queers could be cured by psychiatry.
Ian Junior isn’t too fond of homos either.
I saw Peter Robinson on the tv today, and he looked like a very sad figure. He looked like a man who had lost all faith in everything as he announced that his wife had been in an inappropriate relationship.
An inappropriate relationship. Oh Jesus, how Protestant is that?? as a Protestant friend said to me later on the phone.
But Robinson has always been tight-arsed and stiff and DUP to the bone so he was never going to call his wife a cheating bitch and kick chairs around his office and scream and cry and lie down on the floor and get drunk and break some windows and shout at the dog. But what he did say was about as publicly emotional as Peter Robinson ever gets and you could see he was hurting. The phrase, inappropriate relationship, for Peter Robinson, burned as much pain into his soul as a weeks’s screaming for another man.
Iris, it seems, blamed the affair on mental illness, which is probably the first time that excuse has been used.
Why were you shagging that guy?
I was insane.
Oh, right. That’s all right then. But why did you say queers are damned?
Because they are.
I thought you were insane?
Only when I’m shagging that guy.
Look. Peter Robinson isn’t my cup of tea, so to speak. He isn’t my mug of cocoa either and he’s definitely not my pint of Guinness, but he had the guts to come out in front of the cameras and talk about the intimate details of his private life and his private feelings in a way that I don’t think many of us would be able to. For that I admire him, but not enormously. After all, he’s still the leader of the DUP.
Which brings us back to Wild Willie.
How long will the Party of Jesus be prepared to stomach fornication within its midst before smiting the evil-doers? After all, it was one thing for the Reverend Paisley to lead mobs burning Catholics out of their homes. That wasn’t sinful. That was defending the loyal people of Ulster. But it’s another matter to be harbouring a painted Jezebel in the bosom of a party founded jointly by Paisley and Jesus.
The anti-evolution party won’t stand for that, in my opinion. And therefore the shaky northern two-step might easily slip out of kilter. I can’t imagine Wild Willie or Nigel dancing comfortably with Martin and Gerry. Can you? We could see the entire Wee North destabilised by Iris’s moments of passionate, though inappropriate, madness. Sweaty, furtive coupling — with flower arranging. And biscuits.
While we’re on the subject of non-evolution, did anyone notice the UDA decommissioning more guns in another final meaningless act? General de Chastelain has had enough. They’re all done now, he says, all the Jap guns on my list are gone now and I’m off back to Canada and don’t ever call me again.
He’s nearly right. All the loyalist guns are out of action except for the arsenal of ultra-modern sub-machine guns under the control of that Egyptian loyalist killer, Andre Shoukri, who’s currently in jail for possession of firearms. I believe there’s a big Coptic loyalist movement in Cairo.
When Shoukri gets out, there will be plenty of firepower to continue the struggle defending the people of Ulster through crime.
Interesting, isn’t it, that the main news item is about Peter Robinson’s homophobic missus having inappropriate relationships, and not about a gang of murdering, drug-dealing criminals doing away with weaponry?
That tells me something interesting. It tells me that the UDA story is even bigger bullshit than the one about the DUP.
Nigel Dodds has announced that Peter Robinson has the full support of the party, which of course means he’s finished.
Meanwhile, it emerges that the man 60-year-old Iris had an inappropriate relationship with was 21 years of age. Good on you Iris, striking a blow for the mature generation, though I suspect if Peter had an inappropriate relationship with a girl of 21, people might be callling him a dirty old lecher.
All in all though, I have to say that Robinson’s statement was very peculiar, both in its wording and its timing. After all, he’s known for nearly a year about his wife’s antics, so why did he choose this moment to call in the press?
And why did Iris Robinson’s statement talk about encouraging friends to support a business venture involving this 21-year-old lad? What sort of business was it and who contributed funds? Is the money secure? Is the business still in operation?
It’s all a bit strange.
To cheer the DUP up here’s our dear departed friend Jock telling a story about the Presbyterian God.
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