Unionists Go Nuts

Much bullshit in Northern Ireland news

It’s GUBU-time for the DUP as it convulses in all its buttoned-up prudery.

This is the party that would have a nice cup of tea with Jesus if he ever reappeared.  The party of born-again evangelism and self-righteous condemnation when it comes to SINNING!

No sinners in the Democratic Unionist Party, let me tell you, and no sinful, evil children in Belfast’s playgrounds on the Lord’s Day either, by golly-gosh.  No indeed.

How proud they were when Iris Robinson, MP for Strangford  and wife of the First Minister, Peter Robinson, spoke out so forcefully against the evils of homosexuality.  How frantically Wild Willie strummed at his banjo when Iris informed the world that queers could be cured by psychiatry.

Ian Junior isn’t too fond of homos either.

I saw Peter Robinson on the tv today,  and he looked like a very sad figure.  He looked like a man who had lost all faith in everything as he announced that his wife had been in an inappropriate relationship.

An inappropriate relationship.  Oh Jesus, how Protestant is that?? as a Protestant friend said to me later on the phone.

But Robinson has always been tight-arsed and stiff and DUP to the bone so he was never going to call his wife a cheating bitch and kick chairs around his office and scream and cry and lie down on the floor and get drunk and break some windows and shout at the dog.   But what he did say was about as publicly emotional as Peter Robinson ever gets and you could see he was hurting.  The phrase, inappropriate relationship, for Peter Robinson, burned as much pain into his soul as a weeks’s screaming for another man.

Different strokes.

Iris, it seems, blamed the affair on mental illness, which is probably the first time that excuse has been used.

Why were you shagging that guy?

I was insane.

Oh, right.  That’s all right then.  But why did you say queers are damned?

Because they are.

I thought you were insane?

Only when I’m shagging that guy.

Look.  Peter Robinson isn’t my cup of tea, so to speak.  He isn’t my mug of cocoa either and he’s definitely not my pint of Guinness, but he had the guts to come out in front of the cameras and talk about the intimate details of his private life and his private feelings in a way that I don’t think many of us would be able to.  For that I admire him, but not enormously.  After all, he’s still the leader of the DUP.

Which brings us back to Wild Willie.

How long will the Party of Jesus be prepared to stomach fornication within its midst before smiting the evil-doers?  After all, it was one thing for the Reverend Paisley to lead mobs burning Catholics out of their homes.  That wasn’t sinful.  That was defending the loyal people of Ulster.  But it’s another matter to be harbouring a painted Jezebel in the bosom of a party founded jointly by Paisley and Jesus.

The anti-evolution party won’t stand for that, in my opinion.  And therefore the shaky northern two-step might easily slip out of kilter.  I can’t imagine Wild Willie or Nigel dancing comfortably with Martin and Gerry.  Can you?  We could see the entire Wee North destabilised by Iris’s  moments of passionate,  though inappropriate, madness.  Sweaty, furtive coupling — with flower arranging.  And biscuits.

While we’re on the subject of non-evolution, did anyone notice the UDA decommissioning more guns in another final meaningless act?   General de Chastelain has had enough.  They’re all done now, he says, all the Jap guns on my list are gone now and I’m off back to Canada and don’t ever call me again.

He’s nearly right.  All the loyalist guns are out of action except for the arsenal of ultra-modern sub-machine guns under the control of that Egyptian loyalist killer, Andre Shoukri,  who’s currently in jail for possession of firearms.  I believe there’s a big Coptic loyalist movement in Cairo.

When Shoukri gets out, there will be plenty of firepower to continue the struggle defending the people of Ulster through crime.

Interesting, isn’t it, that the main news item is about Peter Robinson’s homophobic missus having inappropriate relationships, and not about a gang of murdering, drug-dealing criminals doing away with weaponry?

That tells me something interesting.  It tells me that the UDA story is even bigger bullshit than the one about the DUP.


Nigel  Dodds has announced that Peter Robinson has the full support of the party, which of course means he’s finished.

Meanwhile, it emerges that the man 60-year-old  Iris had an inappropriate relationship with was 21 years of age.  Good on you Iris, striking a blow for the mature generation, though I suspect if Peter had an inappropriate relationship with a girl of 21, people might be callling him a dirty old lecher.

All in all though, I have to say that Robinson’s statement was very peculiar, both in its wording and its timing.  After all, he’s known for nearly a year about his wife’s antics, so why did he choose this moment to call in the press?

And why did Iris Robinson’s statement talk about encouraging friends to  support a business venture involving this 21-year-old lad?  What sort of business was it and who contributed funds?  Is the money secure?  Is the business still in operation?

It’s all a bit strange.


To cheer the DUP up here’s our dear departed friend Jock telling a story about the Presbyterian God.


More on the Wee North


Elsewhere: Paddyanglican

23 thoughts on “Unionists Go Nuts

  1. Hi folks my name is Backhander and I once stole a pound from my Mammys purse, Tackled someone elses wife at a Crimbo party and contradicted a priest. But I want to say with great humility and sincerity that I forgive them. I do sometimes feel a bit depressed about it but with the Lords help I`m sure we can begin to address our problems and begin the healing process. I will not be resigning and will be back at my desk tomorrow and will make no further comment on the matter.

  2. Wherever Iris was shagging…I hope it was in the London Eye…can you imagine that Sun headline…it would put Freddie Starr and the hampster in the shade

  3. Seconds Hope it wasn`t a Ger……….. or even a Geraldine.
    Whatever it seems to be all smoke and mirrors. According to Belfast journos its all a red herring to distract the public from certain ” Financial irregularities”. by all accounts its not just Iris thats fucked

  4. I could have done without him bleeding all over my television. A program tonight it seems is going to have a look at his finances. Might be worth a look. Spotlight I think?

  5. Backhander, a Geraldine, very good. But there could be a constitutional crisis if it were found to be a Bhoy.
    I mean it’s bad enough having them scoring at Ibrox without, well, we won’t go there.

  6. Peter Robinson said that his wife had asked for, and recieved the ” Lords ” forgivness. Now how does he know that. I’m really puzzled. How come the ” Lord ” didn’t tell him about her affair, or even tell him she was coveting some other man.

  7. This is what he said: “I know that she has sought and received God’s forgiveness”.

    Maybe he got one of his officials to check with God’s office.

  8. He was talking about it on the radio last night, and I thought “oh, that’s a shame.Poor bloke”. Then I came back into the room 20 mins later and he was still waffling about it.

    Christ on a bike, Mr R, have some dignity.

    Dr. T

  9. Yeah. I don’t know how he went on TV about it at all. Maybe that’s just politicians for you. Even DUP politicians.

  10. Watched the BBC spotlight programme tonight about Iris Robinson, £50,000 from 2 developers, young entrepreneur, “inappropriate relationship”, £5000 cashback, ethics, standards in public office.
    Fcuk it, this woman is wasted in Northern Ireland politics…… she was made for Fianna Fail

  11. He went on tv because he realised the ramifications to come from the public and political fallout of Mrs Robinson getting all Graduate on a garsun og…..the dirty umpalumpa slag that she has shown herself to be!

  12. Bock, Why oh why can we not have stuff like that here in the Nordic regions, What is wrong with us?. The nearest we get is a cement grey politruk ( partifunktionär) admitting to taking a taxi instead of a train to a party congress and buying a hot dog on the way.I mean who wants to read about that. “Yes I did take a taxi, and yes I did buy a hot dog with ketchup and a Puko ( a much loved chocklate drink by children).” I am deeply ashamed and will resign all of my missions. There is massive coverage for three days and people demand his head and old transgressions are dug up and thrown in his face and his life is brought to a forensic lab and disected. Judgement is passed and the poor fellow is expected to appear on tv and flagellate himself as a form of entertainment for the citizenry. Suddenly he appears on big brother with dubious women his wife having made sorti to the sidelines and beginns to work for the Red cross. He employs an image consult and he is relaunched as a new age mystic. “I,ve never been happier” he exclaims weeks later. “I,ve discovered my true self”. But the stuff you have in Ireland we never get close to. My envy is terminal.

  13. Charles — If a homophobic born-again Christian fundamentalist like Irish Robinson is capable of it, I’m sure your politicians are doing it too. They just haven’t been caught yet.

  14. Bock, that is the worrying part. Me thinks that the cement grey social demokrat is the fall guy and mean time the real stuff is going on as we have our eye on the hot dog and puko man( a much loved chocklate drink by children). Of course they are doing it Bock, both the born again and the unborn again.

  15. As the Robinson’s are now finding. The problem taking the high ground is that you have to be very sure that you can keep it. Apart from playing with a nineteen year old, to arrange a bail out in order for him to acquire an Inn? Perhaps she did have a bit of a wobbly. I heard a supporter of Iris on radio saying that her homophobia is part of her mental problems.

  16. Bock, you never seem to lack wit. Undead?. neither dead or alive. What does that make them?.

  17. Charles they are zombies. By the way thank you for not laughing at our 2mm of snow.

  18. Ah Gary, there you are, The Democratic Zombie Party. Where all are Zombies. Ah the snow, but we have the stuff to clear the roads but must admit this is a difficult winter even for us. The medics are telling people what to avoid and what to be careful about and so on. The twins aunt in central Norway has 34.5 minus and dropping. Should hit minus 40c around early morning. She experienced minus 50.5 on new tears eve 1978. Anyway Gary mind your step on the ice and don,t forget the woolies and the woolen cap and the hand knitted socks your auld auntie down in Bogland knitted for you years ago as a Christmas present, the ones you hid at the back of the drawer.

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