Bertie Ahern Rises From The Dead

 Posted by on February 1, 2010  Add comments
Feb 012010

I picked up the newspaper today.  The newspaper, you know?  That thing you used to read one time, and it was full of information called news?


So anyway, I picked up the Opinionsheet, and there’s Bertie Ahern on the front page, wearing a pair of 3D glasses, and staring upwards vacantly with his big ignorant, uneducated potato head.  Our future president, and former prime minister, the illiterate gobshite.  A man who has never managed to read a book, except perhaps that magnificent work of 20th century literature, PS I Love You.

There he is, staring into space with his Avatar glasses on him, and you wonder what he’s watching, as the only thing he could ever claim for a success disintegrates around him.  The North.

Whatever about the collapse of our economy under his stewardship, Bertie could always point to the North and tell the world he created the Agreement.  This was what enabled the stumbling, unlettered clod to address the American houses of congress on our behalf.  I must admit, on that day, I hid under a dustbin until he was finished embarrassing the Irish nation.  I’d have been happier to send my dog to address the houses of congress.

But in any case, it was open to Bertie Ahern, the corner-boy, who learned his trade in the back-alleys of Drumcondra cutting inconsequential deals with even more limited political gobshites, to claim the Good Friday agreement as his own.  And so he did.  So indeed did Bertie, by duplicity, two-facedness and glad-handing, somehow mesmerise the hardened Northern politicians, the Sammies and the Wesleys, the Willies and the Billies and the Bobbies, into believing that not all politicians from Mexico were crooked.

Some men I keel for money, but joo my fren’, I keel you for notheen.

The Nordies had never met such a barefaced liar as Bertie Ahern, and it worked for a while.

But you see, though Bertie might be stupid and ignorant in the classic sense that you or I would understand it, he’s far from stupid in other ways.  Though Bertie Ahern might well be a man you wouldn’t waste three minutes on if you met him in a pub, because his conversation is so limited and because he hasn’t two ideas to rub together, Bertie’s reptilean proto-brain never stops scheming.

Bertie knew full well that the Northern agreement would go tits up, because it involved two polar opposites, the Provos and the fundamental Prods, but that didn’t matter as long as Bertie got the short-term credit.

Bertie doesn’t have a goldfish memory, but he has the ethics of a carp.

Likewise, any fool could see that Bertie, by his greed and cronyism, was driving the Irish economy over a cliff, and even Bertie himself, the ignorant fool, knew it full well.  But Bertie the cynic knew that he’d be clear and free before the truth really hammered home to the Irish people.

There truly is no limit to this man’s lack of shame, and he will present himself for the Presidency.

If we vote him in, this buffoon, this clown, this no-account snake-oil merchant, than we truly deserve whatever he’s done to us.

I wonder what he was watching with his 3D glasses?  Chavatar?

  18 Responses to “Bertie Ahern Rises From The Dead”

Comments (18)

    Spot on BOCK.


    Future President?? You jest! Surely!! Not even in Ireland is it possible that he could become the president. He has universal lack of shame and everything else that makes us human, but not even he could have the audacity to present himself as a candidate. Would he be allowed to? If this dithering fool becomes the next president Ryanairs profits will shoot throught the roof, or should do. Anyone with a modicum of intelligence would and should leave the country.
    Maybe we should club together and get him a ticket to join Charlie Bird, on holiday in America for a year, curtsy of the taxpayer.
    Boo Hoo I`m so fucking lonely Charlie Bird RTE, Charlie Bird, Charlie Bird boo fucking hoo Charllie Bird I wanna go home charlie Bird RTE, RTE charlie Bird.
    If they both stayed in America for ever we would all be ecstatic.



    the one reason I kept my vote in his constituency was so I could have the pleasure of voting against him. Which I do, early and often.

    Pity not everybody else did though.


    Crap. It`s crap Bock not carp.


    I wonder what the report on the Mahon tribunal will say ….. somethings hard to take .. no bank acc’s for six years, the sock box and so on.. The money is on a whitewash. Amazing how people like that get elected on the first count but then again it’s Ireland.


    He was watching his beloved Man fuckin U in 3D


    Bock, genius insight as ever.


    Yeah, the media are still lapping up the man-of-the-people, few-pints-in Fagans-to watch-the -Dubs act, long after anyone with even a shred of intelligence has seen through it. I dont think he’d get elected president, not because people wont vote for a crook, they would, but because, childlike, they are casting around for someone to blame for their economic woes, and have shone their light on Bertie. The fact that they are not entirely mistaken is just a bit of a coincidence.

    He’s cute enough to read the writing on the wall, and go for this new Dublin Mayor job instead. He might just get it too. The “one of our own” factor might swing it. Not getting at the Dubs either with that comment. They could have dug up the bones of a dozen hitchhikers in Jack Lynch’s back garden and the Cork people would still love him. I’m sure Limerick is no different either.


    If you were faced with a choice for President between Bertie and David Norris who would you vote for? Personally I’d abstain.


    Faced with a choice to vote between the two? I`d rather be living in Siberia in a tent with no heating. Where do we get these clowns from? Curtesy of the taxpayer Norris and his fellow clowns in the Senate have a part time job sucking the taxpayer dry every year. A job that has no power do anything! No veto, no power to pass bills. No nothing. Their job is to debate. They get paid in excess of 100k a year of your money to talk shit a few days a month. To top it all they work as editors of newspapers, radio talk shows etc.. in their real day to day jobs.
    But you know what – They are the clever ones, we are the gobshites paying for them to be there. They worked out a clever gig to do nothing and get paid for it by the hard working people of this country. Roll on the next election people. Maybe opposition parties wont be able to rectify everything that FF has fucked up and still does on a daily basis, but at least they have committed to getting rid of those wankers in the Senate.


    I thought it was essentially Mo Mowlam who pulled the people and the Good Friday Agreement together?
    That wouldn’t stop ol’ Bert claiming the credit of course.

    The man who ruined Ireland as president?
    He won’t get my vote is all that I can be sure about.


    @Mairéad. As soon as the GFA unravels you can be certain Bertie will hand the laurels for yet another of his failed deals over to Mo Mowlam. If posthumously, then so be it as far as he’s concerned.

    Doesn’t look like there will be much left to crow about in The Bleedin’ Legacy portfolio should The Knackeraguan Candidate nominate himself for a campbed in the Park.


    Pity Man U didn’t buy this financial genius a few decades ago. He would probably have ducked them just like the Glazers. Imagine the amount of sterling in his safe. Still, Her Majesty seems to have a independent public prosecutor. Is there any non fianna fail person in public office in Ireland. What we have is a regime not a government. We need more radical solutions for the sake of the next gereration.


    I don’t like Bertie Ahern. No, let me rephrase that. I hate Bertie Ahern and every little selfish, ruthless cell in his body. But there was a huge section of this society that were similarly selfish when they voted in Fianna Fail for yet another term. For every Liam Carroll out there, there was a wife and an extended family and friends who were living the high life on the back of their respective plastic kings. For every down and out who couldn’t afford to buy a sandwich, there was a foolish Brown Thomas shopper who was willing to pay three times the price for a pair of socks, just so they could walk down Grafton Street with their trophy bag. Just look at the hypocrosy dripping off the Haiti situation. Denis O’Brien pretending to be a big humanitarian by giving out free mobile phones to Haitians after the disaster. What a master of marketing this man is. Huge banks, law firms and giant corporations organising fund raising to help the earthquake victims, when it was cold business interests and the money and legislation that guides it that had Haiti in the state it was in in the first place. So don’t get me wrong; I think Bertie and Fianna Fail are a bunch of soulless cunts, but for everyone out there in hypocrisy land who gets a free ticket and a corporate lunch at the rugby match this weekend, ask yourself this – what did I do to deserve this hospitality. Or more to the point – what will I have to do in return. Charity comes from the heart, children; and not just because you have a roll of ill-gotten fifties lying about the place.


    Well said.


    My dad tells me that BA is still working hard (haha) in Dublin Central.

    “Uh oh,” thinks me. “That means something”.

    What it means is that the fucker thinks he has a shot of getting his old job back as leader of the FF rump of 40 plus that’ll be left after the next election meltdown. Lenihan’s sick, and may well not make it (having one of the worst cancers) and Clowen will be taken out behind the barn to go the way of all sickly dogs.

    Mister “Go kill yerselves” will be there though, to take the reigns. The Once and Future King.

    God help us. 2 more years of Cowen, 5 years of Enda, and 5 more of Bertie.

    Buy shares in breweries, is my advice.


    is there no end to Berts greed ? or his stupidity Mind you if bertie is elected president what does it say about us


    I would sooner nail my balls to a plank of wood and play catch with a rothweiler then see Enda Kenny in power, he’s a cardboard cut out of a cardboard cutout, the guy has all the backbone of a box jelly fish and stayed very quite about his own parties ill-gotten gains financially, try asking him about the present of 3 Life time memberships to the K-Club and 2 other top class courses, I’ve asked him how you return a gift like that, wondering if socks might do but unfortunately Enda hasn’t replied. This same Enda Kenny asked me to provide him with questions I had in relation to the atrosities of the state, this was in July 2007, to date I’ve still not recieved 1 single answer but several abstract e-mails that if read you’d feel someone had drugged a retarded child and asked them to write a novel using shit on a wall and their wrong hand to write- Enda Kenny is proof that Aboriginies interfered with Kangeroo’s.
    Bertie’s a slyther, can we not just go Taiwanese Parliment style and walk into Dail Eireann swinging punches, A kinda last man standing fight to the death with FF/Greens and that Fat Fuck Harney, and the winner gets to be flogged and set a light outside the GPO.


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