Time Thievery

Delaying tactics are everywhere driving us crazy

I was standing at the check-out tonight waiting to pay for my meagre provisions and the woman ahead of me was putting away some groceries.  But she wasn’t doing what most people do in the same circumstances. She wasn’t handing the check-out person a card or money so that he could get on with ringing up the payment while she put the rest of her things in the bags.


As we all stood there watching, she put the groceries one by one into her shopping bags, carefully, and then, only when they were all put away, did it strike her that perhaps she might have to pay.

So she opened her handbag, took out a purse, and counted the money, penny by penny, as we all watched, and then she put the change and the receipt back into her fucking purse, and put the bastard purse back in her motherfucking handbag and closed the scumsucking motherfucker of a bastard fucking handbag then slowly picked up the whole lot and wandered off while the rest of us were having a stroke.

Multitasking?  Fuck, no.

This happens to me all the time.

I’m walking down the street and I decide to get some money from the ATM, but just as I approach it, a highly-trained cash-denial unit steps from behind a parked car with four different cards, checks the balance on every fucking one before withdrawing notes and then puts them all back in for more money just when I think it’s my turn.

Yes.  I confess.  I am the ATM killer and I’ll go quietly, officer.  It was worth it to see the bastard’s face as I pushed his feet through the money-slot.

I think there are thousands of them out there, all waiting to screw up my day.

When I’m in a hurry on the road, some 93-year-old lunatic with a hat drives out in front of me in a Morris Minor at four miles an hour, and he’s well briefed on my journey.  He has a GPS programmed with my travel plans and he takes every turn I’m going to.  The later I am, the more he gets paid.

If I’m getting on a bus, some fool ahead of me is astounded that he has to pay and spends ten minutes looking for money, while the rest of us have been holding the exact sweaty change for the last ten minutes, to save fucking time!  He gets a bonus if he delays the bus so long it’s overtaken by the next one.

There’s a vast, subversive, time-thieving conspiracy out there, run by an evil, cat-stroking, fat, well-spoken, evil genius.

I don’t know why he does it, but that’s evil genii for you.

It drives me crazy.

I won’t even begin to talk about the shit you have to go through on the phone listening to fucking Greensleeves when you want to complain that a TV ad ate your dog (and not in a good way).

If they’re not making you wait, they’re getting in your way.

I’m sick of it.  I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take any more.

How do you feel about it?  Am I the only one they do this shit to?

30 thoughts on “Time Thievery

  1. Shit I think I might be one of the evil genii ones.. I will not pay for my groceries until I’m done bagging them up, cause it drives me mad when they start scanning through the next person’s items as you’re still trying to bag up.. and you’re rushing as fast as you can to get out of the way and getting flustered. fuck um.. they can wait I say.. and I hate change too.. always want to get rid of it. They can wait for me to count that too.
    “A TV ad ate your dog”.. never heard of that one.
    The only thing I hate waiting for is to be served in a pub.. oh actually what’s worse is you’re waiting to be served and then it’s decided it’s closing time and you’re not getting a drink after waitin 15 mins.. now that’s BS.

  2. “This happens to me all the time.” – says Bock
    Well, must be Karma then… ;-))

    Did you ever notice that when you let a 95 year old in a cap and no teeth in a pre-modern registration car go ahead at a junction that he most certainly drives off at the next boreen and the road is free?
    If you don’t , though, that most certainly a tractor turns up and keeps you going at 4 mph to the very shop you wanted to go yourself? See? Karma.

    On the other hand, why not enforce Karma upon those bloody slow-down-junkies and wish that they get stuck in a ditch or their shopping bag bursts open while they cross a busy road in front of Ennis hospital while an articulated lorry is in a rush. There couldn’t be a worse Karma. Ha!

    Or let them call an Eircom-helpline (or worse: Three!) and end up in India, where some supposedly doe-eyed gorgeous ignorant tells you to pull the plug and put it in again and all will work fine…

    Ah feck, I could think of a lot of bad Karma for those who drive me insane.

  3. I have very little patience and when I’m already stressed people who are inefficient with their time whether it be in queques or traffic etc. really irritate me.

    what I do to survive is always have something to read if I’m know I’ll be waiting. It amazes me to see people waiting for a Doctor, or for an MOT etc. staring at the wall and looking at their phone evry five minutes. Accept the fact that it will take time, enjoy the wait, read.
    Otherwise I close my eyes and meditate. Why does waiting always have to be a pain. It’s an opportunity to relax.

    Regarding people who cannot foresee that when they get to the Bank clerk they could have taken their cheque from their bag and filled in the forms while queging. Not now start rummaging for stuff. I adopt a positive understanding attitude that I learnt many years ago. It is this;
    People don’t choose to be stupid, people have varying degrees of intelligence. To be intelligent ( and arrogant in my case) in a World full of idiots is a terrible burden. The guy blocking a whole lane of traffic double parked outside a vacant parking space didn’t choose to be stupid. The car driver that rear ends you didn’t decide that day that he would crash into you and then spend hours with Gardai and insurance companies. He crashed into you unintentionally and getting seriously angry will not help in the least.

    Wife’s finally out of the bathroom. I’m off. Night all.

  4. You’re young, aren’t you, Bock ? You’ll develope a sixth sense as you grow older which will allow you to – almost subconcsiously – navigate life in a way that avoids all of the above.
    The downside is you’ll be too old to give a sh*t.

  5. Ah, Indian Helpdesks…. don’t get me started ! I deal with one very day and yesterday requested an update on a call I logged two months ago, the call reference number was PBI647. This is the reply I got :

    With reference to the trailing mail PBI647 is still open and assigned to NTTS team for further investigations. The recent update from NTTS team has stated that the information in the Event Log as you sent the snap revealing that it’s only information update prompting the mail client to make it has default and already fixed by NTTS team.

    They’re havin’ a laff, aren’t they ?

  6. Lapsedmethodist — If I grow even slightly older, I’ll be the guy in the Morris Minor.

    WJ — Helpdesks are great. They make you feel just the right degree of stupid.

  7. You forgot about the bewildered fuckwits that just stop walking in the middle of the footpath and stare into an imaginary field of fucking nettles wondering did they pick up Aunty Marys prescription or who won the 1974 F.A fucking Cup Final or whatever…grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

  8. Did Ian Rush score one of those goals? I stopped the car, causing a two mile tail back trying to figure that d’other day.

  9. BOCK, you should relax a bit more. Everything happens for a reason. It’s not all random even if it might appear so. Plus, today while pissing away time reading this I learnt a new word; genii.
    So thanks for that now take the rest of the day off, there’s loads of time.

  10. I know how you feel, I thought I was the only person that got annoyed by people in supermarkets, recently in Tesco at the cigarette/lotto counter a man in front of me buying cigs also had about 7 items of groceries, he even had vegetables that needed to be weighed and there is no weighing scale at this counter, the girl had to go to one the many checkouts and weigh his veg, there used to be a notice at this counter stating no groceries allowed here, this took so long I actually felt like leaving the store and getting my lotto some where else. for some reason also if I ever go anywhere where there might be a few queues I will look for what I think will be the quickest but as luck will have it this will invaribly become the slowest once I have joined it ahhhhh.
    Unstranger we are all not as relaxed as you, wish I was as it would save me alot of stress.

  11. This kind of thing happens to me all the time, and it does tend to piss me off no end, especially because I always try to be aware of the person behind me who might only have a couple of items, versus my overloaded trolley, and offer to let them skip ahead.

    And then they do what Bock described, often sending the til person off the far end of the store to get a DVD or batteries or something, turning what should have been a 30 second transaction into 5 laborious minutes.
    There is a petrol station on the Dock road with traffic lights just beyond it, and every day on my way back from lunch, I let someone out from the car park there. And invariably, they make it past the lights just before they turn red, leaving me held up.

    Then you say to yourself, well, “no good deed goes unpunished” and I think we say that because when we think of Karma, we expect an instant reward – you do something good, something good will happen to you – but karma doesn’t specify a time-scale. So your “reward” for letting mole-man out in front of you might only come in 5 years time, at which stage you will have already forgotten about it!

    We need to semi-privatise karma, and partner with it to provide a best practice deed-reward cycle management service.

  12. Better make sure it’s best international practice. We should commission a report from KPMG, going forward.

  13. A while ago I had to order a printer ink-cartridge. My phone call was forwarded to India. A very polite young lady took my order. She said her name was Pritti. When processing my order all the usual details were taken, type and make of printer, my address and of course the card number. When everything was done she asked that I not hang up yet, she had a final detail. I kid you not, this is what she asked “For what purpose do you intend using this piece of equipment?” At first I thought she was joking, but she ernestly repeated the question. I reminded her it was a printer ink-cartridge. She once again asked the question. “For what purpose do you intend using this piece of equipment?” I took a deep breath and reminded her that I had told her had ordered. This time she said: “I must ask you this question again and you must answer it or I cannot process this order. It is the law” I could feel the laugh coming on, but I composed myself and answered. “For printing of course.” Now she went ahead and processed it. I received it promptly in the mail.

    What a wacky world we live in. I am in Ireland, ordering a piece of equipment from a lady in India who will send me a printer ink-cartridge for a machine likely made in Ireland, but governed by a law made in U.S.A. because it is an American company. When we enter the Whizzi Whizz world of computing it can be very funny. Frustrating, unimaginably futuristic and yet hilariously funny. Next move, I changed my printer so that I could buy from the guy down the street. Now he can deal with Pritti in India. I’ve answered enough silly questions.

    Checkout lines are a breeze, unless you are in a complete hurry, then you might cheer yourself up by talking to India, or ordering online?

  14. I’m still undecided, which is worse, the time thieves? or those cunts who jump the queue in front of you, which I suppose is also time thievery

  15. footpath hoggers are the worst, ur racing on ur measly break to buy some overpriced cardboard lunch, will hav to factor in time wasted with all the morons when getting money from the atm, and queuing to pay for lunch, and there are some idiot tourists or worse, people in suits walking three abreast at zero miles an hour in front of you or towards you who refuse to move in and let you past!
    and dont get me started on the umbrellas!

  16. almost all females, be they wimmin or just old fashioned women act this way in supermarket queues. They remain oblivious to other peoples needs. They still expect old style courtesy, if not chivalry, from us poor shat-on males. They arrive in the pub late and instantly expect us to give the the best barstool that we and been cunning enough to obtain some hours earlier. They then drink the most expensive drinks but never expect to dip in that cluttered purse to pay for them. The raucous stories we were getting such a laugh from suddenly dry up and we have to pretend to be caring metrosexuals with a nice line in inane, non-sexist patter free of anglo saxon words that are building up behind a dam of frustration.
    Why not let the dam burst and release a flood of virtuous rage with fuck, Fuck, FUCK OFF! GO HOME! WATCH A FUCKING SOAP! have a little weep over the starving babies in the Concern ad! Make vol au vents! But leave us alone to enjoy our creamy pints and great guffaws. Your far too high a price to pay for just a ride!

    Good! She’s gone now what were we talking about and, by the way, whose round is it…?

  17. If memory serves a scientist tells Homer that he has devised a way of driving across Springfield and avoiding all the red lights, thus saving at least four minutes. The scientist reckons that if he drives at a certain speed that he can coordinate his drive in such a way that all the traffic lights will be green.The boys pile into the car and off the go.The scientist is proved right. They get to the far side of town four minutes earlier than anticipated. So there they are sitting in the car at the far side of town after earning an extra four minutes in their lives. “What are we going to do now?” someone asks as they sit there with the extra 240 seconds. And that’s the moral of the story folks. Lads, slow down, your moving too fast, got to make the morning last.

  18. Fuck it Seconds, I have that song in my head now.. thanks very much.
    Since Lapsed kindly suggested I could do stand up on another thread. I’ve a good one.. I won’t give it away though, you have figure out the joke yourselves.
    A hard of hearing biker has an accident. The doctor asks him, “can you describe the symptoms”, to which he replies, “well Homer’s a lazy bastard and Marge has big blue hair”.. get it.. haaaaaaaaaa. .

    Curmudgeon. Don’t like any female company no. Don’t bother to “pretend to be caring metrosexuals”.. be the brut you are.

  19. Litfanjo @22. If you want to buy printer cartridges in the future,try http://www.7dayshop.com. Based in Guernsey in the Channel Islands they are cheaper than everywhere because of the tax situation and have a gigantic selection.

  20. FME, that’s the first time I’ve been called a cheap aftershave lotion, but never mind, I forgive you.
    Perhaps you were one of those obese, gimlet eyed, wimmin cluttering up the pub last night, hogging all the best barstools whilst sipping those silly drinks, as you waited for a knight in shining armour to come rescue you from your sad lives.
    Anyway, ye won last night. We left and went four miles up the road where we found a real pub, mercifully free of fat-asses and we had a gallon and a good guffaw, followed by a delicious Indian meal. Just the seven of us, all male, aged from 31 to 55, all fit, comfortable, well educated, who had managed to escape our wives for a glorious day of hillwalking, pinting, banter, laughing. Jeez! a day out with the lads without you lot is bliss.
    ps: I don’t use spellcheck either – but perhaps you should.

  21. That was so funny Curmudgeon I had to share that with a fellow brut, to which his response was.. “he’s right”!!!! He now has a reddened backside and is very very sorry and you deserve the same.
    Spellcheck you say.. it doesn’t check for everything.
    This sentence from you makes sense to you does it, ” They arrive in the pub late and instantly expect us to give the the best barstool that we and been cunning enough to obtain some hours earlier.” haaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaa.
    “A day out with the lads without you lot is bliss.”.. hmmm bliss is it? Have fun with your buddies.

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