I see you can now download a Virgin Mary Candle for your iPhone.
What a great idea. It fits right in with my own plans for religious technology, ranging from the groundbreaking iProd…
… to the Mobile Consecrator.
You might remember my Muslim compass a few years ago, helping people to be buried facing True Mecca and not Magnetic Mecca. That was a real success and now sells in its millions throughout the Islamic world.
But now, thanks to Steve Jobs’s reality distortion field, we have the latest breakthrough. You see, not only is it possible to download a Virgin Mary flickering candle, but you can get a Jesus candle as well, and a crucifixion candle.
I had an idea a couple of years ago to make little toy crucifixion kits for children as part of their Christian formation. Remember those little plastic soldiers you could buy? Well, the crucifixion kits would be small , like that. They’d come in a little bag in which you would get
Small articulated Jesus (1)
The whole thing would be made of plastic and sell for small money but in big volume. A recession toy. It would be cheap, like the sort of tat you get from Santa’s Grotto in department stores, but it would be educational too, and if I played my cards right, perhaps by joining Fianna Fáil, I could get Easter redesignated as Spring Christmas with an Easter Santa on a sleigh pulled by rabbits.
When the recession lifts, I could improve the quality of the toy and make it bigger, maybe about the size of an Action Man or a Power-Pavee. The Romans’ guns would really work and the Jesus figure would be nailed to a piece of the True Cross. I might get it into Brown Thomas.
For the iPod I could turn it into a first-person shoot-em-up. Jesus lands on a dark planet full of Romans, Pharisees and crowds baying Crucify Him!! Crucify Him!!
His mission: to save Earth by blowing up the Dark Transubstantiator, a device that turns men into biscuits. When he solves puzzles like how to walk on water how to raise the dead and how to keep getting fed by his mother till he’s 30, he finds weapons. Exploding sacred hearts. Ninja crowns of thorns. He regains his health by turning fish into wine. Each level ends with Jesus getting killed, but after three days he comes back from the dead for the next level.
In the end, he has to destroy the Dark Transubstantiator. If he fails, he gets the nails.
It’s perfect for the iPhone and I can see it being a big hit, but let’s not be selfish.
There’s a big market out there for more mainstream Catholic apps as well.
All good Catholics will want the iBelieve app, which of course they’ll adjust to suit their own preferences. Comes with a free built-in dogma filter.
They could have a Good Intentions app: it would automatically follow all the death notices in your local paper, and when someone you know dies, it could say a prayer for them, contact the local priest’s computer and have a virtual mass card twittered to the grieving family.
The church could go back to selling indulgences from the iPope shop. Plenary indulgences, only 99 cents, to discourage piracy. Two free partial indulgences with every plenary. The whole secret would be volume. Ship as many as you can as cheap as you can.
If you download iConfess, they’ll send you a password for a small fee. Run this app and your sins are forgiven. Perfect for a night out on the town. Download a couple of spare passwords just in case you get extra lucky.
I’m telling you. There’s no end to the commercial possibilities of Good Friday.
All Good Friday Bock posts.