The news is getting weirder every time I open a paper.
Today there’s a report of a sailor who was jailed for three months and discharged from the Naval Service for texting his girlfriend with the location of his ship.
This is a very serious offence because, as you know, Ireland is in the middle of a nuclear war with Russia and we wouldn’t want the Rooskies finding out where our naval defences are deployed.
The Naval authorities originally levelled some other charges at Able Seaman Eoin Gray, including importation of cocaine into Ireland and possession of cocaine. These charges were dropped because the Naval Service realised at the last minute that he wasn’t actually importing cocaine and he didn’t have any cocaine in his possession, but you can see how easy it was to imagine he did actually have a big suitcase full of Charlie hidden in his hammock.
Oh look. There’s 50 kilos of cocaine!! Charge that man!! No wait, it’s only a packet of Smarties. All right. Drop that charge.
The other charge they had against him was a lot more sinister than the cocaine. He was charged with possessing eight counterfeit hair straighteners.
That’s right. Eight counterfeit hair straighteners!
Can you imagine the threat to national security posed by sailors with counterfeit hair straighteners?
You there!! Sailor. Show me your hair straightener!! Is it a genuine BaByliss? No? Bo’sun, if you please, fifty lashes for that man, a shot of rum and half an hour’s vigorous sodomy! That’ll teach him.
Imagine if the Russians found out our sailors weren’t using genuine hair straighteners.
Meanwhile, a 68-year-old grandmother was arrested at Dublin Airport while trying to board an aircraft with two loaded pistols, and I promise you, I am not making this up. Apparently, gang-related crime has been ruled out. The authorities believe the kindly old granny was bringing the weapons to Britain for the use of relatives who are having some kind of dispute with neighbours. You know the way we all have relatives in Britain who need guns to settle disputes with their neighbours, right?
Granny was bringing the bag through the security check and didn’t seem to realise that the X-Ray machine might tip the cops off.
What are those two loaded-pistol shapes in your bag, Granny?
Ah, them’s just me razor and me Rampant Rabbit, Sonny.
Right, Granny. On your way then.
What else would you do when you’re having a dispute with neighbours only send for grannies, guns and money? I’m not sure if she was charged with having counterfeit hair-curlers.