It Says in the Papers …

 Posted by on April 14, 2010  Add comments
Apr 142010
 

The news is getting weirder every time I open a paper.

Today there’s a report of a sailor who was jailed for three months and discharged from the Naval Service for texting his girlfriend with the location of his ship.

This is a very serious offence because, as you know, Ireland is in the middle of a nuclear war with Russia and we wouldn’t want the Rooskies finding out where our naval defences are deployed.

The Naval authorities originally levelled some other charges at Able Seaman Eoin Gray, including importation of cocaine into Ireland and possession of cocaine.  These charges were dropped because the Naval Service realised at the last minute that he wasn’t actually importing cocaine and he didn’t have any cocaine in his possession, but you can see how easy it was to imagine he did actually have a big suitcase full of Charlie hidden in his hammock.

Oh look.  There’s 50 kilos of cocaine!!  Charge that man!!  No wait, it’s only a packet of Smarties.  All right.  Drop that charge.

The other charge they had against him was a lot more sinister than the cocaine.  He was charged with possessing eight counterfeit hair straighteners.

That’s right.  Eight counterfeit hair straighteners!

Can you imagine the threat to national security posed by sailors with counterfeit hair straighteners?

You there!! Sailor.  Show me your hair straightener!!  Is it a genuine BaByliss?  No?  Bo’sun, if you please, fifty lashes for that man, a shot of rum and half an hour’s vigorous sodomy!  That’ll teach him.

Imagine if the Russians found out our sailors weren’t using genuine hair straighteners.

Meanwhile, a 68-year-old grandmother was arrested at Dublin Airport while trying to board an aircraft with two loaded pistols, and I promise you, I am not making this up.  Apparently, gang-related crime has been ruled out.  The authorities believe the kindly old granny was bringing the weapons to Britain for the use of relatives who are having some kind of dispute with neighbours.  You know the way we all have relatives in Britain who need guns to settle disputes with their neighbours, right?

Right.

Granny was bringing the bag through the security check and didn’t seem to realise that the X-Ray machine might tip the cops off.

What are those two loaded-pistol shapes in your bag, Granny?

Ah, them’s just me razor and me Rampant Rabbit, Sonny.

Right, Granny.  On your way then.

What else would you do when you’re having a dispute with neighbours only send for grannies, guns and money?  I’m not sure if she was charged with having counterfeit hair-curlers.

  30 Responses to “It Says in the Papers …”

Comments (30)
  1.  

    What about the two German women at Liverpool Airport last week. They wheeled an edlerly man, a relative, onto a flight for Berlin. He was wearing sun glasses and a hat and was in a wheelchair. The only probelm was that he was dead. Other than that he was looking forward to his holiday.The women were arrested.

    Is the above granny a Pikey?

  2.  

    It’s very very wrong of you to assume such a thing, Mr Out.

  3.  

    I stand correct-ted

  4.  

    And so you should be. There isn’t a shred of evidence to suggest that this lady comes from one section of the community or another.

  5.  

    Steaming into battle with straight hair and the smell of the sea (or something)in your nose.

  6.  

    Wrong BOCK, she came in fact from the over fifties section of the community. Any idea where the hair straighteners are? They must be finished with them by now.

  7.  

    The sailor was a cook and had been AWOL for 5 hours on another occasion so I’m thinking not too bright. All Irish seem to be on Charlie if you believe the blogs so its a fair charge. It doesn’t matter if he did this in peace time hes a mong and its not all about him and his party life. Many phones now cum with GPS I think the MOD if Ireland has such a thing should consider bans on such equipment, why does a cook need a mobile at sea?

    You can look at the navy and say, “ach its only the Irish what do they need armed forces for? ” I’d answer national pride and to be taken seriously a thing they aren’t on the world stage .

    The granny with the guns ……….. I’m now reconsidering trying to smuggle my rifle over up me arse.

  8.  

    Hold on – why did he text his girlfriend exact locations?

  9.  

    The reports didn’t say he texted exact locations.

    He could have said 150 miles out to sea. On the way home for yo’ sweet lovin’!

  10.  

    “Commander Patrick Burke told the court martial yesterday that Gray contacted a colleague in the fisheries monitoring centre at Haulbowline on a number of occasions to find out the EXACT location and status of the naval ship, LÉ Orla, on which he worked.” (RTE news)

  11.  

    Well the little fecker. You just couldn’t be up to them. Does it say if he texted the exact location to his girlfriend?

  12.  

    I would text my location to a girlfriend if I thought that vigorous sodomy was a possibility.

    Incidentally, there was an Ossifer or former Ossifer on the Last Word this evening who believed that this was lenient in the extreme and the sailor could consider his vigorous sodomised ass lucky.

    Mr. Out , the girls who were pushing the wheel chair swore oaths that he was alive when they put him in the taxi.

  13.  

    Actually that is a good point – Did he text the “exact location” to his girlfriend? I dont know.

    Reports say that he texted “the information” to his girlfriend. Presumably this is either the precise information from the fisheries monitoring service or a message derived from the information acquired.

    I have to concede – there is a big difference between the two.

  14.  

    I’m inclined to go with the “Baby be home soon” theory, but of course that’s based on little or no solid information.

    For all I know he could have said “Here’s our coordinates. Quick, send Russians with cocaine and genuine hair straighteners!”

  15.  

    Well “baby i’ll be home soon” wouldnt get you in trouble with the Military Police though

    there is such a thing as “wasting courts time” – they wouldnt convene a court martial for small stuff.

    it is not as if the rest of the DFs are angels

  16.  

    Like yourselves I find these smug comments appalling. No sooner was it announced that a grandmother, albeit a heavily armed one, was arrested going through the Airport that some people in here, and there is only one I’m referring too, automatically assumed that it was a member of our ethnic minority that is at fault. It was the same above in Mullingar last year. No sooner did a few dozen male members of the ethnic minority meet on the street to discuss the upcoming horse fair, that it was reported as a riot. It was no such thing. I’m sick of the comments of the likes of Seconds. I was in a bar with our friends from our ethnic minority the other night and they had so much respect for themselves that they walked out when the art students entered. None of these boys would be seen in their company, unlike the so called settled community who remained frozen with terror least one of art students started drawing out the syllables in every word or started reading some obscure homosexual poet. Not that our ethnic minority have anything against art students, syllables, shirt lifting verse jockeys or any other beleaguered minorities. Respect folks. respect.

  17.  

    Bock, well spotted,
    I hear one of the deciding factors in ordering another branch of the Irish armed services, the Irish Infantry back from Chad is fear of civil unrest ! Experience gained in areas with detached corrupt governments, exhausted mandates, tasked to maintain a western view of order at the point of a gun. Our Army “In support of the civil power” will be usefully deployed in Cathal Brugha or some such barracks.

  18.  

    The texting sailor may have been sendong exact location to other parties via his girlfriend so as to help them in their smuggling or illegal fishing.
    That info. would be very useful for someone waiting in international waters to being in some Cocaine or a fleet of Fishing boats waiting to plunder our waters

  19.  

    hmmm…if thats the case theyll have to ban all mobile phones on board boats so. Theres GPS technology in most mobiles now.

  20.  

    The logged arrests and enforcements by the Irish Naval service in support of the civil power are of Irish citizens, “state threatening” traditional fishermen attempting to make a living from a resource traded by naive politicians for short term gain. International marine monitoring gives the exact location of craft in Irish waters including the western approaches, the technology is readily available and access to it unrestricted. The idea of international drug smugglers relying on a sailor sending a text to his friend is farce, more self-justification you are aware of the term “Swiss Admirals” loosing the run of themselves, we must be alert to these red herrings.

  21.  

    That is not the point – it wasn’t the current exact location he divulged – it was the location of a future patrol.

  22.  

    Sitting here with straight hair and a snotty nose and laughing like never before..
    Brilliant stuff well done on a great topic everyone…we need more of this stuff and to hell with doom…

  23.  

    Intelligence or Situation Report (SitReps) on future patrols are not the national secret the recent prosecution would lead us to believe, a sociable pint in a Cobh pub or a trawl of Super Valu type shops contracted in provisioning ports of call will reveals landfall of all Irish Naval Vessels for months in advance. A compromised lick spittle press give this waste of public money in enforcing a minor breach of naval discipline diverting prominence. It is the “Boody man” approach, do not act as an individual, do not ask awkward questions and do as we say otherwise the world as we know it will end.
    Imagine world power military tacticians and members of South American drug cartels awaiting the trigger news “see ya in the Pierhouse Killybegs” The Irish Naval ratings partner must be the only man or woman on the island not feeling shagged.

  24.  

    No checked its not 1st April.
    Was he stationed on one of the Irish Carriers [bags] the Bertie Ahern?

  25.  

    Cobh scuttlebutt, is what a 24 year old dope; he could have asked any of his shipmates, there is belief that it is all seems contrived. It has all the hallmarks of naval authorities being taken aback when the charade got out of hand. The Terry Prone style headline grabbing, followed by arse tightening tail between the legs of the naval authorities. The sentence will reveal the panic attempts at face-saving the overplaying of hands, it is expected the seaman will not serve close custody, and is expected to soldier on and serve his country by carrying the can. All this while we are in the safe hands of the Clare T.D. the Keating Quarries protégé Clare’s finest Mr. Killeen newly appointed Ministerial Trigger Minister a worthy successor to Willie My Fee, another upholder of local moral rectitude.
    Is it true planning permission has been granted by Clare County Council for an explosives factory across and upriver river from the proposed high pressure gas storage plant, or do we wait for a Stephen Fry “you wont believe what’s happening across the water” update.
    If the gormless seaman A/B Grey gets time in the glass house I would ask Bock to form a “Release the hair straightening one” as a matter of international importance. Sign me up.

  26.  

    Has anyone else noticed that “LÉ Orla” is an anagram of “L’Oreal”? Maybe this is just a big cover up? Maybe this guy is just being used as a patsy in an attempt to conceal illicit off-shoe hairdressing activities being carried out by the Irish Naval Service, with the aid of counterfeit hair-dressing paraphernalia?

  27.  

    Sylvania had the true story on their website and what this gentleman was attempting with 2 of his seamates put the entire fleet and the west coast of Ireland in serious jeopardy. They aren’t ready for the truth on this one just let it go.

  28.  

    “Were u?”

    “At sea. xxx”

  29.  

    Granny was surprisingly released without charge. Maybe she had the touch of the scallywag!
    As for able seaman, I heard that there was some sort of agreement made, that if he pleaded guilty to divulging the location to his girl, that the other charges would be dropped.

  30.  

    Talking about tragic-comic news, did youse read the one about

    http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/odd/news/a214346/pensioner-admits-sex-with-horse-donkey.html

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