Tiger Woods is Insane

Do they really expect us to swallow all this shit?

When I first heard about the Tiger Woods incident, I thought it was just another celebrity bust-up that was none of my business.

So he was screwing everything with a pulse — so what?  Isn’t that part of the job description for young, fit, good-looking multi-millionaires?

Obviously, since I’m none of those things, the question is strictly academic, but come on.  Who gives a flying toss?

That was the end of it, I thought, apart from the bit where his wife beat him with a golf club, and everyone laughed, just like they’d laugh if a man beat a woman for being unfaithful.  Right?  Well, maybe not.

But then here come the gurus and the pundits and they’re telling us that Tiger was screwing all these chicks because he suffers from an addictive condition.  Yeah.  The same addictive condition that every last living straight man suffers from when women are throwing themselves at him from all directions.

Well, Mr Woods, we think we have a diagnosis.

Is it serious, Doctor?

It’s pretty bad.  Brace yourself Mr Woods.

Give it to me straight, Doc.

Very well.  You suffer from Can’t-Say-No-To-Hot-Babes-Begging-You-To-Shag-Them Syndrome.

My God, Doctor.  How serious is that?

Well, Mr Woods, it’s a variant of Tom Jones Syndrome where women fling their underwear at a celebrity.

I never heard of that either, Doc.  Is it common?

Tom Jones Syndrome?  It’s not unusual.

Come on.  Gimme a fucking break.  Here’s this gobshite from the the golf club, where is it?  Buttfuck Arizona?  No, wait, where is it?  Alabama?  I don’t know.  Someplace full of KKKlansmen anyway, and there he is with a sheet over his head on the news like he’s reading from the bible, and he’s saying what a bad, bad thing that Woods boy done, and how he deserved to get his black ass whupped for goin with them white gals, but the nigras don’t know shit from Shinola, and they done never knew how to keep their peckers inside their pants nohow, nosirreebob!

Did you hear the fucking idiot?  Augusta, is it?  Jesus, what a pity Sherman didn’t burn the place to the ground, and all its pointy-headed racist, bible-bashing hypocrites with it.

And as if that’s not bad enough, here comes Tiger himself in a creepy Nike ad with the ghost of his mother and father hovering around whispering BAAAAD shit to him.  You’re a bad, bad boy, Tiger.  A bad boy, and Mommy’s gonna spank you.  Yes she is, Tiger.  Mommy’s gonna spank you real good.

No, Momma.  Not the spankin’ Momma.  Please?  Huh?  Huh, Momma?  Please?

They’re all fucking mad.

Note from Bock to Elin: you married a family of loonies.  Get out now, while you still can.

9 thoughts on “Tiger Woods is Insane

  1. Bock, there is still the myth of how to behave in society and depending on which society then which way you have to – be seen to – behave. Like if you’re Irish, you’re expected to work all day, practice Gaelic football, hurling in the evening, play for the local/national team if picked and for the glory not for money or reward. (Well maybe a civil servant job- Garda or the license for a pub in the footsteps of Paudie O’Shea. You know the craic. Yes, like Tiger Paudie and all the sports gang are all Mamma’s boys. They live two lives. (Keeping the streets clean for their wives and daughters) One is who they think they are, and the other: who they are: Oedipus going through the ordeals of the Mother complex.
    I’m not speaking for Woods per se, but (if it’s not all PR bull-shit) if he realizes he has a problem and he’s dealing with it that’s okay by me.

  2. Hilarious!
    Mama obviously didn’t whoop his ass enough growing up.
    Addiction my arse. And who’s business is it anyways. Everytime I turn on the TV lately he’s apologizing and proclaiming he’s a changed man. He doesn’t need to apologize to anyone but his wife for god’s sake.
    I guess all the apologies are to keep the sponsors happy. All boils down to money. Like he doesn’t have enough already!

  3. Everyone is just jealous because in a doonward economy Mister Woods can marry a babe and pay other weemen for sex, its the American dream of having yer cake and eating it though I wonder what else you’d do with a cake ………….. unless its warm apple pie but thats another story. Don’t be haters, well off to my sex, coke, drink and waving my todger on the bus addiction meetings. It ain’t my fault I’m sick and that is what the doctor says.

  4. Bock,

    I take it you haven’t seen the South Park episode where they cover this question? If you haven’t it’s well worth a look, very funny. It might be on youtube or something.

    I’d love to have seen what they would have done with the dead father voiceover from the Nike ad though!

  5. Nike were quoted as saying that the new ad portrays the ongoing influence Earl has on his son’s life….
    It’s widely known that Earl himself had a string of affairs. Like father like son my guess!
    An uber creepy ad, and a load of cack.

  6. The Nike ad got a mention in the sports chat show today on the radio. Seems Nike fucked up a bit there. The deleted response from Tiger to his dad when dad asked “What were you thinking?” was;
    ‘I wanted to be just like you dad!’

  7. Last Wednesday I played golf with my oul pal Joe Duffy. He got a visit fae his girlfriends husband whilst on the green at the 3rd, damaged a club responding to the questions, dropped a full hip flask on the 6th, and still manages to take £30 off of me when he putted in at the ninth.

    Tiger… see where I’m going with this? Just get on with the fucking game, everything else will sort itself out along the way.

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