You might not remember me, but I was the guy desperately trying to prevent himself from punching you in the smug, self-satisfied, crooked Fianna Fáil face last year when you turned up in my local pub. It was a Saturday morning at the market, when I like to enjoy my coffee and my read of the paper, but you, Ned, invaded my space with your Fianna Fáil cronies out on the stump.
You have no idea how close you came, Ned, to a kick in the crotch, as you wearied the entire pub with your tired old jokes and your cringe-inducing false bonhomie, you despicable, back-slapping old bore.
Now, Ned, let’s not mince words here. You are an idiot. A cunning, self-regarding, rat-faced, greedy, overbearing, loudmouthed, gombeen idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. Ned, have you ever read a book? I doubt it. In fact, Ned, can you read at all, or would you be able to see the point of it?
Probably not, Ned, you fucking cretin.
Now, Ned, you’re probably wondering why I waste this invective on a superannuated, inbred, Fianna Fáil hillbilly, and the truth is I wouldn’t normally devote valuable seconds to vermin like you, but, Ned, this week you stepped over the mark.
I wanted to give you an award.
No seriously, Ned. I wanted to give you this medal that I had specially minted for you.
Ned, thanks, you moronic old gobshite, for exposing the dishonest heart of Fianna Fáil for the whole world to see.
Ned, I want to thank you for speaking out against financial regulation in such an impassioned way. I know it’s a subject close to your heart — money — and I want to compliment you on speaking from that shrivelled old heart on the only thing that touches you and makes you human. Money.
Wasn’t it good of you, Ned, to attack the financial regulator for his nationality, you miserable, xenophobic old prick?
And wasn’t it a fine national service you did, Ned, you despicable old bastard, to oppose more staff for the regulator, for fear he’d find out about the criminality in the banks?
Well done, Ned, you pathetic old waffler. We couldn’t have those foreigners finding out how crooked we Irish are, could we Ned? And especially, we couldn’t have that regulator exposing the dealings our elected representatives have in the banks and related companies that brought about our country’s downfall.
You wouldn’t happen to be financially involved in any of those dodgy banks, would you Ned? What exactly did you mean when you defended our former failure of a financial regulator, Neary? Did his incompetence suit you and your cronies, Ned?
Ned? You despicable old bastard?
God, how I wish I’d punched you right in the middle of that smug, insincere grin when I had the chance.
PS. By the way, Ned. What exactly did you do in the Dáil bar?
UPDATE. December 2014
Ned O’Keeffe convicted of fraud.