I’ve been thinking about this war on crime we hear so much about.
It’s not going anywhere, is it?
The war on crime is stuck in the trenches somewhere between Passchendaele and the Somme, with nobody making much progress and it’s about time to break the deadlock.
Instead of fighting crime, I think we should regulate it.
I think we should appoint a Crime Regulator and set standards for criminals. We should issue licences.
We should set up the Chartered Institute of Crime and set membership grades ranging from Associate to Fellow. There could be different vocational groups. Drugs. Theft. Banking. Fianna Fáil.
The Institute would set its own exams and control membership. People committing crime without a licence would be subject to intense and severe scrutiny by the Membership Committee. Intense, severe and very, very impressive.
How’s this going to work?
Depending on seniority, muggers will be assigned an acceptable number of crimes per month, and there will be a code of practice. Nobody over 60 or under 15 gets mugged. Nobody on the dole gets robbed. No cripples. No drunks. Not more than €500 will be taken from any one victim. A government-sponsored compensation scheme will reimburse the victim.
Any licensed mugger exceeding their monthly quota will be subject to disciplinary procedures by the Chartered Institute of Crime.
The same thing with burglars. No old people. No shitting on carpets. Just take stuff and leave the place tidy. No more than €1,000.
Licensed drug dealers will have to make sure they sell Good Shit. Really Good Shit. They will be prohibited from supplying drugs to minors.
Bankers can rob only very rich people who own BMW jeeps or work in financial institutions or both. And lawyers.
Victims will have the right to complain to the CIC if they feel their rights have been infringed.
How’s this working for you so far?
Random violent street-criminals will be banned completely and subject to the rigours of the CIC’s enforcement department. Kiddy-fiddlers will be shredded on sight since nobody cares anyway.
In return for peaceful streets, violence-free mugging and control of the drug-dealing problem, the CIC will experience minimal interference from the security forces.
In my opinion, this is the answer. The war on crime will never work, so let’s reach a consensus. Let’s decide how much crime we can live with and let’s turn crime into a self-supervising profession with an internationally-recognised regulator to oversee its operations.
Come on. It can’t be worse than the banks, and it will definitely do less damage.