European Bank Stress Tests

 Posted by on July 24, 2010  Add comments
Jul 242010

Stress tests?

Did someone say stress tests of banks?

Where did I hear that before?

Oh wait. Now I remember. Wasn’t it back in September 2008 when they were telling us about stress-testing the Irish banks?  What a success that was!

Now here they come again, using spurious terminology that they don’t understand, pretending to be doing something real and meaningful, adopting the language of science and engineering for something intangible, something based on lies, deceit and fear.

This is not a stress test of the banks. It’s just modelling. A stress test is something very real, hard and visible.

A stress test is something that finds out if the wing of your plane will break off or stay on.

A stress test is a way of seeing if that bridge will fall down or carry you safely across the water.

A stress test is a method of finding out if your submarine’s hull will collapse like a cheap Easter egg.

How is it done? Very simple. You pile more and more weight onto something until it breaks, and then you know how much punishment it can take. You do it again and again to make sure the first result wasn’t a fluke.

That’s stress testing, which is far more reassuring than all the mathematical predictions in the world. When you sit into the new Dreamliner, you can be sure that they confirmed the modelling and analysis by breaking things until they were satisfied with the strength of them.

That’s because the Airbus engineers know what they’re doing, unlike the bankers — the kind of people who lend spurious credibility to their dodgy number-juggling by misuse of solid industrial language.  The sort of people who call an insurance policy a product.

If anyone tries to persuade you that the Irish banks passed a stress test, tell them they’re talking nonsense.  The Irish banks passed no test, either in the abstract, theoretical world of financial modelling, or in real life.

The real stress test has already happened and we know how that went.

  17 Responses to “European Bank Stress Tests”

Comments (17)

    One of the important things to remember here is that only 2 irish banks were ” stress tested ” Who decided not to ” test ” the other banks, who decided which 2 would be ” tested “. That is the question. The selectivity involved has more to adding to all the bullshit told over the last couple of years than an honest appraisel of the financial soundness of any banking institution. An insult to all the injury already inflicted onto the people of this country. Do these ” stress testers ” really think we are going to swallow this too?


    The great Spike Milligan – there are little holes in the sky to let the rain in. The holes are not very big, that’s why rain is thin (child poem) – used regularly get letters from banks demanding that he pay them. Spike used put all the names of the institutions he owed money into a hat and draw one out, which he would then pay that week. In response to receiving demanding letters, Spike used write back letting said know that if they didn’t stop threatening him that he’d stop putting their names into the hat for his weekly raffle – imagine how stressed they must have felt after that, the bastards.


    Bock, Boeing make the Dreamliner. Airbus make that huge mother the A380. But I’m sure they both try and break the stuff…. unlike those poxy banks. Ireland is destroyed because of the banks.


    Boeing, Airbus, whatever.

    The point is about stress testing. It’s about fools with no discernible skills adopting the language of practicality.


    Stress-testing sounds very professional, though. Like jumping up and down the seemingly rickety and tiny wooden landing to the attic in my house while hoping it still stands after I eat another tiramisu…or two…

    This fabulous stress-testing of banks is nearly the same principle. The banks jump up and down their financial paperwork, gorging on false information as if it would be tiramisu and finally coming up with mousse au chocolat. A miracle I’d love to learn!
    What they didn’t consider is that they will – full of themselves – stumble down the steps eventually.

    The whole “stress test” was invented by the banks themselves. I’ve seen a chart with all the banks involved, and I was wondering how they came up with their numbers.

    Generally the banks in Greece, Spain and Ireland are considered the most foul ones. Still Ireland came in this “stress test” up with smelling like roses…

    I’ll have another tiramisu. It’s not really fattening, innit? After a stress test with my jeans I just put on the stretchy one. Simple as.
    I’ve learned a lot in Ireland …


    The term “stress test” was not invented by banks.

    It was co-opted by them, to lend a spurious credibilty to what they do.


    I understand, but that’s not what I meant, that is, the term as such was invented by banks. But the so-called tests of banks was invented by themselves. Which is by any term a sham, a kind of white-washing – or money-laundering.

    And of course they gave the “test” a name which was meant to implicate trust in the outcome or at least in the testing methods. But everybody, in the media at least, picks it up and pretends to know what it is about.
    I have to admit that at first – after reading about it in the papers – I didn’t understand what stress test meant. I’m not a technically savvy person. Looking it up and reading about who did these tests on bamks … well, what is there to say?

    It angers me that terms with perfectly legit backgrounds are used to justify legally (!) acceptable criminality.
    And it makes it clear that these terms are used just to fog over the minds of the public. And they come up with ever new names and terms and foggy stuff.

    It’s about building confidence among the gamblers (investment sector/bankers/financial artists), has nothing to do with reassuring the ordinary bank customer.

    What’s new?




    Well now, lookie here, con-men have always employed pseudo-scientific terminology to dupe their marks.

    In this case the marks included the vast majority of the print and broadcast media. Luckily we now have t’internet.

    The people who got this one up are terrified that the peasants will stop paying interest on un-repayable private debts guaranteed by nation states and bring the whole highly profitable (for a tiny minority, that is) edifice crashing down. Hence the chorus of hallelujahs.


    Ah! Now folks youre all being so negative. Have you not been listening to our “Glorious Leader”? We must spend all of our savings NOW in order to keep the Golden Circle in the style to which they have become accustomed. “stress testing” as pointed out is for pieces of metal. Not for our natural born rulers and their friends.



    No offence.

    You have no idea just how basterdised the word “stress” is.

    The EU “Stress Test” is one gigantic lie.

    This is beyond Fianna Fail & The Greens.

    This is pure Europe.

    All is lies.

    Why was Anglo not shot in the head?

    Because Europe didn’t want it.

    In short Bock. The German banks are so fucked up they make Anglo Irish look like a virgin choirboy.

    In short again Bock.

    Ahern, the disgusting peice of shit he is, was working for Europe not Ireland.

    Europe assured him that all would be well..

    Now we’re up to or necks in shit because of Europe.

    Fine Gale / Labour / Sine Fien.

    They are all at the same “Europe” game.

    They are all going to be rewarded by “Europe”.

    They are all scum.


    All these people telling me what I have no idea about.

    I must be a complete fool.


    You are no fool.

    They are scum.

    They will take all your “money”.

    Buy rice, pasta or any dried goods you can.

    Your money is worthless.

    This shit is going to hell.

    I know it.


    “Last week’s European stress test is by now, luckily, part of propaganda history. Easily the most ludicrous finding of the “test”: all seven of Germany’s largest Landesbanks, NordLB, WestLB , LBBW, BayernLB, HSH, Landesbank Hessen Thueringen and Landesbank Berlin, magically passed with flying colors. “


    We were pressure testing a very expensive pipe a few years ago and it kept cracking. So we were brainstorming how to solve the problem. One of our not so bright engineers suggested that we just don’t do the pressure test.
    Methinks some bright spark in the financial “services” sector had the same idea for Anglo and Co.


    Agree with your sentiment there Rich Banker.
    Not sure if stocking up on dry foods is the answer but those people twho think that saving all their money in the local bank will give them security are probably deluding themselves.
    If I had wads of cash I’d spend it on goods that have tangible value. Money, like gold, property, shares is only as valuable as people think it is. The world financial system has been tottering on the edge for about a year now and the future does not look bright.

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