Gascoigne of the Yard

In the parallel world of football police

It was a long night.  A hard night.  A long, hard night.

Inspector Gascoigne turned up his collar against the biting July Newcastle winds and stared  into the middle distance.  This Raoul Moat business was a bad one. Very bad.

Gascoigne hated violence — especially against women.

Whey aye, kiddo, he addressed his colleague, Det. Sgt Shearer.  Gis a bagga chips an’ chicken nuggets an’ a deep-fried Mars Bar.

Aye, boss, muttered Shearer, darkly.

Oh, an’ a bottle o’ Brown, man.


We’ll gan up and gie the kid a call.

When Det Sgt Shearer returned with the supplies, Inspector Gascoigne waved his fishing rod at the police cordon.  Haway, lad.  We’ll hae a canny pint an’ talk to tha gadgie. Maybe he’ll gan yem.

A policeman stepped from behind the cordon. His tunic was Kevlar and his eyes had the  thousand-yard stare.  SSS.  Special Sniper Service. A man who could kill with one finger.

Inspector Gascoigne, he said, thank God you’ve come.

Nae bother, man kid, Gascoigne reassured him.  Here.   Have a chicken nugget and a droppa Toon broon.  A fuckin hate domestic violence, me.

Indeed, agreed the SSS officer.  Now, if you’d care to examine the map here.  We have units at the following coordinates

What did this gadgie do, anyway? Gascoigne interjected.

Well, Inspector, it seems he was aggrieved as a result of a liaison involving his long-term partner and another gentleman.

What?  Some punter was bangin his lass?

It would appear so, Inspector.

Fuck that.  Ah’d shoot the fucker maself.  Here, Shearer, gimme them chicken nuggets and a dozen Toon Broon.  Ahm gannin talk tae this punter.  Ah’ll fettle this here an’ noo.

I’m afraid that won’t be possible, Inspector, said the SSS officer.  As a matter of fact, it’s all taken care of.

13 thoughts on “Gascoigne of the Yard

  1. A bizzare tale. if Biffa Bacon had showed up, I can’t think of anything less absurd. I notice Sky News are at it hammer and thongs – they must be losing money.

  2. Reet canny Mister Bawk.
    The world needs more superheros to keffle the worky-tickets.
    I`m away tae the Bladon races.

  3. It is reported that Gascoigne was “tired and emotional” even so what the hell was the fishing rod for? It does seem a little counterproductive to taser someone the Police were attempting to take alive. The shock effect, contracts the muscles including the fingers. With a shotgun to the head I imagine the result was both inevitable and messy.

  4. Yeah the british police botched it,but at least they had the bottle to get in close and try and take him alive.I wonder what the cowardly Garda Siochana would have done in those circumstances.Shot him in the back from a safe distance no doubt.

  5. I was bored so I looked up Biffo Bacon too.. I got this fellow though.. Sid the sexist.. ??

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