Today I’m going to tell you about Seánopoly, a property board game for the morally bankrupt.
You can be Fingers and I’ll be Seánie. We’ll be the Bank. This is a game for lots of people to have fun, so all our pals can play along as well. They can be the Developers and the Politicians. I think I’ll use this little helicopter as my piece on the board. What will you use? Oh, a little Portuguese golf resort. What a lovely idea.
Now, listen carefully. Here’s how the game works.
These two frightened-looking guys in dark suits can be Biffo and Yehudi. They’ll be topping up the bank as the game goes on. Try to ignore the cigarette smoke.
Our pals are going to buy all those little hotels and houses on the board, and our bank will give them the money. They won’t ever have to pay the money back because they’ll all play the Bankrupt card, but that’s all right, because Biffo and Yehudi will pay the Bank instead.
In Seánopoly, there are no losers. Everyone wins as long as the players stick together. You can build as many hotels on each square as you want, and the more hotels there are, the higher their value. It’s the same with houses. There’s no limit to the number of houses and hotels, and the more you build, the more they cost. Isn’t that great?
See those two piles of cards? You can draw them whenever you like.
Look. Here’s a Never-go-to-Jail card. It’s unique to the Irish version of the game. Keep that carefully in case you need it. And here’s a Golf-With-the-Regulator green-fee receipt. Look: it has a phone number written on the back of it. I wonder who that phone number could belong to? Yuk yuk. And over there, specially for the Developers and the Politicians, is a Brand New Posh Accent card, and a fake Leaving Cert. Here’s the What-All-The-French-Means-On-The-Menu card. Hide it up your sleeve.
That card there? Oh, that’s a loan guarantee, but you’ll never have to use it. It means nothing. Just something they had to put in because of silly board-game rules. Ignore it.
Now, of course, with all the Developers making so much money by selling hotels to each other, it’s only fair that the Bankers should be rewarded for their work as well, so Fingers and I will just have a little slice off the top, and perhaps a modest loan to ourselves, from ourselves. And maybe a pension. Or two.
Now, don’t worry about the next bit. This can’t happen, but if it does, which it won’t, because it can’t, but if, somehow, somebody asks for your Loan Guarantee Card, which in theory they can, except nobody ever does, the rules are very strict.
You have a year to hide as much money as you can before playing your Never-Go-To-Jail card and your I’m-Bankrupt-You-Can’t Touch-Me card. But no more than a year. The rules are very strict about that.
Got all that, kids?
OK. Let’s play Seánopoly!!