Ivor Callely Buys Phones From The Next World

Dialling the Devil

You heard it here first.

Not only is the country covered in ghost estates built with phantom loans from zombie banks, but now, the fearless Senator Ivor Callely is buying phones from The Undead.

Condemned like the accursed Vanderdecken, the doomed Flying Dutchman, forever to ply the roads between his spiritual home in West Cork and this earthly Hell we call Dublin North Central, Ivor summoned up the spirit of phone companies past to supply him with invoices for not one, not two, not three but four mobile phones and associated car kits, at the rate of about one a year.

No ordinary phones either, such as mortals like you might possess.  No indeed.  The phones possessed by Ivor the Impaler each cost about €450, and naturally you couldn’t get a phone without taking out an insurance premium for an extra €250.   You’d have to be crazy to buy a brand new phone without paying another €250 for insurance, maintenance and miscellaneous, wouldn’t you?

Ivor produced four receipts to account for this expenditure, all from the same company which unfortunately had ceased trading before the first purchase.  A former director of the company, Mr Jacob Marlay, confirmed that they hadn’t sold Ivor any mobile phones and didn’t know how such a thing could have found its way onto their official letterheads, but that’s ghosts for you.  All that shaking of chains tends to addle their ectoplasm.  Not the most reliable incorporeal entities, ghosts.

Unfortunately for Ivor, the media don’t understand his unique connections with the netherworld and are demanding to know how he came to be in possession of four receipts from a long-dead company that didn’t sell him the phones — four receipts, moreover, that all seem to have the same flaw, being priced in pounds rather than euros, as if somehow, inexplicably, they had been printed on the same ghostly machine lacking a Euro symbol, by the same person (someone who can’t spell receipt), though they bore different signatures.  Ghastly scrawls, drawn in blood.

Yet another manifestation of the other world whose ways we cannot fathom.

It was a stake through the heart of Ivor”s credibility.  A string of garlic above the door of his renomination.

As if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that these invoices, like Padre Pio and Ivor himself, have the power of bilocation.  At the same time that he was submitting these claims, when he was a mini-minister, Ivor’s own department paid over €1,000 for one phone and €900 for another, besides paying €33,000 in phone bills unconnected with his mini-ministerial duties.

That’s a lot of buckaroonies for a phone.  For a thousand euros I’d expect one with good coverage, including a hotline to the afterlife, and maybe hourly updates on who’s going to win the 2:30 tomorrow.  A thousand euros, eh?  Who knew a mini-minister needed such serious phone technology?

Possession is an awful thing.  When mini-ministers were just called parliamentary secretaries, they didn’t seem to need any of this expensive technological firepower, and yet everyone seemed to muddle through just fine.  But when they became possessed, suddenly they needed vast amounts of travelling and hotels and committees.

Perhaps it’s time for an exorcism, as long as we remember to look after the exorcist.

What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.  Ha-hay!

I wonder what the Dark Lord of Drumcondra makes of all this, having elevated the Impaler to his perch on the Dull Side – that dreary home of The Unelected.

Of course, there’s one surefire way to lift the curse, and that’s to produce the phones in question and shame the demons, so here’s my advice to Ivor.  Face down your accusers, Ivor, by digging out these thousand-euro mobile phones and showing them before the unbelievers.  Hold them up in the rays of the dawning sun and show these evil ones the error of their ways.

They couldn’t have all been stolen or lost, Ivor, and even if thieves took your phones, you’ll surely have the police records when you reported the crime.  Ivor, anyone can lose a phone.   We’ve all done it and kicked ourselves for being so stupid.  But how did you lose so many?  How did you need to keep replacing them every 18 months, and Ivor, how does anyone lose three car kits??

Ivor, we know that old phone models are hard to get, but you won’t need to trawl the second-hand shops.  Since you got the taxpayer to cough up for these ones, you’ll surely have them in a drawer somewhere, won’t you?  Give us the phones, that you might be saved!!

Ah, the children of the night, what sweet ring-tones they make!

Original documents at TheStory

25 thoughts on “Ivor Callely Buys Phones From The Next World

  1. €1,000 for a phone. What the hell. It must have some gagets on it. Who was it for? 007. Could it eject bullets out of it. Noxious gases even.

    Paying insurance of €250 on a phone worth €450 is retarded. If you happen to have €450 in your pocket, would you insure it against theft or loss for €250. That makes no sense. You’d be flat broke if you had that kind of mentality. Oh wait, we are flat broke, thanks to these theiving idiots we have in government.

    This is a crime and I’d like to see him jailed for this fraud. Sacked and jailed and made to pay back the people he has robbed – us. Why aren’t the CAB investigating?

  2. Maybe Ivor was using the phones to ring a few bookies.

    Speaking of which, Squire Bertie of Drumconda is probably muttering “bleedin’ amateur” into his pint-a-Bass up in Fagan’s watching this, the latest episode of the bleedin’ legacy, tumble down. Poor old Ivor has fucked up his lifetime ambition of being crowned successor to the most cunning, the most devious of them all.

    Imagine that, caught fiddling expenses! ……boy scout stuff to the average Soldier of Destiny.

    CJ must be turning in his crypt.

  3. Ha ha


    The ghost of Fianna Fail past.

    And it wasn’t the “paper of record” the Irish Times that broke it.

    And it wasn’t the “paper of protect Fianna fail at all cost” that broke it.

    And it wasn’t “the TV and Radio Station of protect Fianna fail at all cost” that broke it.

    It was …… let’s see ………. a British Newspaper.

    Thank God I don’t buy that rubbish.

    I might get to thinking.

    Being the ignorant Irish savage that I am.

  4. we are a pathetic race of people.governed by incestous self aggrandising carpet baggers.we are the boldrics of the world.anyone who can will leave this country,and may the gods pity the rest.

  5. Poor Ivor, as he said to the committee “what’s the problem? We are all at it!”. We could always set up a brass mine on his neck and pay off the national debt. The only problem with that idea is the Government would pay some American mining company to do the job, and give them all the profits.

  6. Wouldn’t you think he’d at least have bought the bloody phones in West Cork where he lives? The sooner this guy sees jail the better.


  7. Which begs the question, why arent the 5-0 knocking down his doras?. It is fraud after all. If it was you or I we’d already be already getting buggered by some junkie from Sherriff Street..

  8. “At the same time that he was submitting these claims, when he was a mini-minister, Ivor’s own department paid over €1,000 for one phone and €900 for another, besides paying €33,000 in phone bills unconnected with his mini-ministerial duties.”

    Hmmm… now that’s perhaps the most interesting bit. How long was he a junior minister for? That’s a lot of calls for any period. Who was he calling ‘unconnected with his mini-ministerial duties’, as they say? And for that matter, what type of phones were they and what was their RRP at the time?

    Surely a lot of his colleagues knew he was on the take to some extent. Why was he not subject to internal FF investigation before now? Is it because they’re all at it? Well, we’ve still to hear the truth about Harney’s sojourn in the airspace of Nevada and southern California, not to mention what exactly was in it for Frank Fahey in his dealings with Shell and… and now I’ve just heard a Healy-Rae on the wireless come out with something ridiculous about councillors’ expenses. He does it ‘because he loves the ground beneath the feet his constituents walk on’. I’d go on…

    What a fucking country.

  9. The expenses lark has been an accepted doubling of their obscene salaries since time immemorial.
    They are all sticky fingered.Look at Healy Rae driving around the country thousands of miles from one conference to another! What was it 2000 Euros clocked up in 2 days!
    Poor bastards.Having to drive demented from Cork/Kerry/Donegal to Dublin and back in one day just to get an extra 1000 Euros?
    It would be more merciful to change the rules and let them take the train for 30 Euros and just make an “unvouched” mileage claim.
    Maybe they do anyway.
    How do they prove they have not taken the plane or the train anyway?
    do they present their vehicles for mileometer inspection after each journey?
    Some of them are apparently paying off mortgages, with the overnight accomodation expenses claims. they have bought apartments in Dublin with the income stream..,
    Besides all this begrudgery has only surfaced because yez are all facing unemployment and emigration.

  10. Time for a cleanout in this little island of rogues and robbers–and Idont mean lets force more people to emigrate. This goes far beyond Callelly—lets clean out those politicians Ministers, TDs ,Seanadoiri and Councillors who have been taking us for a ride for quite a while. The Bull has had his wings clipped, Willy is claiming travel while getting a lift and Ivor is caught up in a mobile phone scam—think other Senators have been mentioned in despatches.Time for us long suffering gobshites to get up off our arses and do something about it.

  11. What can we do?
    Block the roads, build barricades, get down to Dail Eireann-a la Francaise and burn the place down.?
    Take on Fianna Fail’s Praetorian Guardai-and get your head bashed in like Eirigi members!?
    Hire russian hit men . Do a whiparound in Manchester and elsewhere .Get dig outs from sympathetic beggars.
    Then, issue “contracts” for removing Lowry, Beverly Flynn, Healy Rae, Dempsey ,Cowan,(In any particular order) from office-with a bullet ?
    The choices are numerous.

  12. “The embattled Senator, who until now has remained silent on the controversy, said he had received mobile phone invoices and passed them on to the Oireachtas believing that they were accurate.”

    Couple of silly questions.

    Whom did he receive the invoices from?

    Did he not check the invoices before submitting his expense claim?


    What a plonker.

    The Senate should suspend him indefinitely (without pay or expenses) until he answers the first question.

    Kick this piece of scum out.

  13. The Garda would also be interested in an answer to the first question giving that they believe there is a prima facia case for fraud (if there isn’t why is Garda time being wasted?)

    The person he names must surely then be interviewed by the Garda. Was that person an accomplice to an alleged fraud?

  14. It’s even spookier.

    He’s saying he doesn’t know where they came from (the ether?).

    Maybe he should consult a Ouija board before he goes to that meeting on Monday.

  15. Poor Ivor now claims he is the subject of a “witch hunt” . Given his apparent ability to contact the after life perhaps he is a witch?

  16. I dont know what you are all moaning about, after all if a guest shits in your parlour , blame yourself for inviting him. Have some cop on. Thats the problem in this country we dont have any cop on. We actually keep re-electing crooks, you all know their names. So get to it and clean up the shit once again.

  17. T obe fair to Callely the wording about residences from which you can claim expenses, leaves the whole system wide open to abuse.
    Many of the rural TDs have used their expenses to actually finance the purchase of a property in Dublin and they are often residing there for weeks on end and claiming expenses from the backwoods of Ireland.This is the opposite of the Callely scam but perfectly above board.No reciepts for hotel stays have to be furnished.
    It is simply a way for them to double their Dail salary (and this dosh is more importantly-tax free.!)
    Ivor was greedy.It led to his downfall.
    No doubt he could have hedged his bets on the big Clontarf project by selling a few of his other properties at the height of the Ponzi property scam era.
    He declined to do so.In effect he put all his money on one horse-and that horse was a non runner in the end.
    He was also too greedy when he refused to accept the planning permission for three story apartments and went for broke on the larger development.
    Now he is desperately trying to meet the repayments on the multiplicity of mortgages-hence he is scrabbling around for every Euro he can lay his hands on, and by milking the flawed expenses racket for all it is worth-he is also exposing the veniality of his other colleagues and opening up the whole can of expenses worms is now resulting in demands for it’s reformation.
    His transfer of the property at the root of the controversy, to his wife’s name no doubt is intended to safely isolate this from the bank’s bailiffs should the whole thing fall down around his head, and his other properties go into recievership too.
    Nevertheless Ivor must know that when an asset is transferred to another family member and it is clear that the purpose was to prevent it falling into the hands of creditors/banks/Revenue etc.,the courts have the power to actually overule the change of title ruse and permit the seizure of the asset.!

    He is one hungry boyo,like his pal Bertie and his mentor Charlie before him.
    Corruption is an inevitable process, inherent in all living things.
    It runs it’s course in the ranks of the Destiny Soldiers, long before they are laid into the tomb.

  18. What is most distressing about this whole affair is that these same corrupt politicians are gearing up to commemorate the 1916 heroes. I have only one thing to say about that , The fools the fools they have given their lives in vain.

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