Tomahawk Slipstream

The Karizma days

Fookin never understood Death Metal, me.  I hadn’t heard of the bugger until me ol mate from Sheffield, Dario Sanchez, asked me to join his band, Murder Kill Death Kill. I went along to t’rehearsals alright but, when I asked what key the first number was in and they said it didn’t matter, I had it away on me toes.

Dario was a curious lad. He was an altar boy when I met him and he later became an accountant, before starting Murder Kill Death Kill. They didn’t go very far but they play weddings now as Dario and The Boatmen. Nice little earner and a bloody nice fella, Dario.

So why am I telling thee all this? Well, I’ve always been edgy but you can be too bloody edgy. I remember listening to Pink Floyd’s Ummagumma album, thinking, what the bloody ‘ell are they on, the buggers? Look, if your idea of being edgy means making an album with nothing but the sounds of rusty door hinges with incoherent lyrics behind it, become a bloody hinge salesman but don’t ask me to be in t’band.

This is a lesson for any aspiring musicians and, before you start creating all kinds of palaver, I don’t care if you want to “express your inner child” or any such muck. Thou can do that once thou’s got leg in t’door.

Back in 60’s and while I were still Les Metcalfe, I joined a band called Tomahawk Slipstream. It was a bloody awful psychedelic band, which was t’brainchild of a daft apeth called Baz Buchanan. You’d think that’d be a good enough stage name for the bugger but he changed it to Cornelius Sage. I was t’only good thing about the band but they wouldn’t let me get a bloody word in artistically. He was a bloody pawke prate, was Baz. He wanted me to change my name to Charisma. Just bloody Charisma. “You don’t need a surname, man” he would prattle, “No one owns you, man”. “Fuck off, you daft cunt”, I’d reply. How on earth did he expect a man called Charisma to become the God of Rawk that I became?

Well, after the other lads in the band put pressure on me, I agreed to change me name to Karizma, but only if I could spell it like that and only if I could wear a mask in all public appearances. Take a look at t’bloody make-up they made me wear:

I couldn’t bloody breathe in the thing.

Baz sold his house and funded our first album, Choo Choo Raindrop Fancy, which was bloody concept album about the inside of Baz’s eyelid. Bloody infuriating bastard, was Baz. On track two, Hazy Disraeli, he made me play a bloody kettle. I had to pick up the kettle and let it drop, then pick it up again and let it drop in time to his mantra. Hazy Disraeli (CLANG!) Hazy Disraeli (CLANG). That was all that was bloody to it and it lasted eleven bastardin minutes. I asked him to let t’bloody drummer use a gong instead but he said, “the kettle noise speaks to my chi”. I bloody felt like lacing the bloody chi off the bugger.

I had written a light-hearted love song called, Lick Me Knackers but it was thrown out without ceremony. I thought it would be a nice break from the bloody turgid shit, he was peddlin.

“You wanna make me love ya, maybe.

You wanna make me know ya, baby.

You wanna make me hold ya tight

You wanna make me treat ya right

But you won’t…

Chorus

Lick me knackers baby.

Lick me knackers baby.

Lick me till I love ya baby.

Lick me knackers baby.”

“There’s no place in the modern musical lexicon for such nonsense”, was what Baz said.

He pumped ten thousand pounds into Choo Choo Raindrop Fancy and, when we went to RCA, they bloody laughed us out of the office. Before, we left, I gave them a copy of Lick Me Knackers and they loved it. They asked me to get a band together to record it. Baz had t’bloody blue fit when he heard. He was spouting shite about corporate idiots and music is dead and such. He writes radio jingles now. That’s where bein edgy got him.

So what’s the lesson? Keep it simple folks. Keep it simple.

2 thoughts on “Tomahawk Slipstream

  1. On the ball Johnny, you boys appear to have spent all your money on women and drink – and the rest foolishly.

  2. Tomahawk Slipstream is an excellent name – smooth and rain droppy yet somehow, edgy and sharp .

    I remember Ummagumma , my pal used to hum away on his cough bottle at the back of the classroom , man,

    Was there a song called ” easy with ax jack ” on that one, Johnny ?

    And Karizma, – make sure you protect your intellectual proprty rights there kid.

    Lick Me Knackers – arn’t republic of loose copying you so ?

    Good one Johnny .

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