Posted by on September 14, 2010  Add comments
Sep 142010

Eoghan, would you come in here a minute an’ close the door.  That’s right. Come in, I want to talk to you, going forward.

What’s up, Boss?

Jesus, Eoghan, don’t call me fuckin Boss.  You know I hate that name.

Sorry Boss — I mean Brian  What’s up?

Eoghan, do you believe in reincarnation?

Mhac a’ Deo orainn, a Thaoisigh!  Why do you ask such a thing?

Here.  Have a shot of this stuff.  500-year-old Tullamore Dew.  Old TD, we call it.  Go on. It’ll sharpen your pencil, going forward.  Isn’t that what a good press secretary needs?

Clink.  Glug.  Glug. Wubble.  Wubble. Wubble. Goaarrraaarrrhhh!!  Wuh!!

Jesus, that’s better.  Listen, do you believe in reincarnation or not?

Well, Brian, I never gave it much thought.  Did I ever tell you about the time I was commanding a company of men in Lebanon and —

It’s a simple fuckin question, going forward.  Do you believe in reincarnation?

Níl fhios agam, a Thaoisigh.  You seem very troubled.

I am Eoghan.  Very fuckin troubled, goin’ forward.  Eoghan, I’m afraid I’m afraid Haughey came back to life an’ he’s takin’ me over.

Dheabhal!  That’s not good.

No.  It isn’t.  Everywhere I look, I’m surrounded by gobshites, just like Haughey.

Well, Brian, it is Fianna Fáil after all.  One time, in Cambodia, when I was in charge of —

I know. I fuckin know that.  I know that, but there’s more.  Here.  Have another Tullamore Dew.

Clink.  Glug.  Glug. Wubble.  Wubble. Wubble. Goaarrraaarrrhhh!!  Wuh!!

You see, Eoghan, I’m starting to see things in the middle of the night.  Awful things.  Lenihans everywhere waving their livers at me.  Last night, I had a nightmare that Kebab Lenihan was launchin’ a book denyin’ evolution.  Mind you, Kebab is livin’ proof that evolution is bullshit, but still.

Eh, Taoiseach —

Seriously.  I’m not fucking jokin’.  Everywhere I look, fuckin’ GUBU.  There’s another fuckin eejit sendin’ in fake invoices for mobile phones or some fuckin thing.

Eh —

Just as well I have plenty of this TD to keep the shite blotted out.  Fuckin Ahern flyin’ to fuckin Donegal in the government plane.  No, not that prick.  The other fuckin eejit in Justice.  Here.  Have another shot.  Helicopter view me arse.

Clink.  Glug.  Glug. Wubble.  Wubble. Wubble. Goaarrraaarrrhhh!!  Wuh!!

I’m gettin’ a strong urge to buy a yacht and a horse.  I even hired a bloke from WAAMA to stock me a library and make a list of the good ones, just like Haughey.  I paid another bloke to give me a quick run-down on what artists I should like.  Make it fast, I said.   Pluck the low-hangin’ puppies.

Taoiseach.  If I may suggest.  Have you considered an exorcism?

A wha’?

Well, back in an Spidéal, when I was a buachaillín growing up, the old people were very aware of these things.  Did I ever tell you about the time in Ethiopia when I was commanding  —

Listen Mara, I mean Eoghan, you need to get on top of this story fast.  Here.  Have another TD.

Clink.  Glug.  Glug. Wubble.  Wubble. Wubble. Goaarrraaarrrhhh!!  Wuh!!

As I was sayin’, you need to get on top of this an’ make the party look good.

Eh, Taoiseach, I’m the government press secretary, not the Fianna Fáil press secretary.

Your MY press secretary, Mara.  Now get that gobshite Dunne in here and tell him to bring a million quid.  And make sure all those fools are back at their desks.   When my great grandfather, Aureliano Cowen was founding the Brazilian navy …

Taoiseach.  There is one small problem.  With our finances in their current state, we might not be able to pay the exorcist.


Well then Taoiseach, I’m afraid you’ll be repossessed.

  13 Responses to “Biffoonery”

Comments (13)

    you’re on fire bock. Shoot that poison arrow through his heart. lol


    Haha. Excellent.

    A grimm fairytale.


    Almost makes you nostalgic for The Boss. At least he was vaguely competent at hiding his incompetence and corruption until he was too senile for it to be decent to push the issue publicly. How did we end up in this mess? These were choice we all made – we got the leaders we deserved. We didn’t learn anything from the GUBU days and now we’re paying the price. Fuck, it’s shocking really that a whole population (minus one or two) can be so stupid and complacnet for so long. Will we learn now? I’m not sure….


    Joe, you’re so cynical


    Brilliant Bock, did you see the closing sequence on Reeling In The Years 1987? They were showing the launch of the National Lottery and Charlie was there launching, he was asked what he would if he won the Million to which he replied “I’d give some to charity and of course I’d keep a little bit for Myself” That he did right enough!


    great wonderful stuff!


    There once lived a man they called BIFFO
    and at first he seemed awfully spiffo,
    He was a friend of the bankers
    who now are all wankers,
    methinks he’ll be gone in a jiffo.


    @Cynical Joe. Easy on the WE bit. It certainly wasn’t me.


    @dermotoconnor. Well done. Very Good limerick. On the button.


    I see a story in UK Mail about Biffo making a fool of himself .
    I was just wondering how many members of the government are dynasty politicians, having their seats handed down by relatives.


    they were there for a “think in” where they put their collective and awesome brain power haha together to save the country from disaster.Can you picture it,they are sitting there all day with blank expressions rubbing their chins and total silence.Then there is a shout “hey boys I have a great idea….lets go and get pissed” a loud cheer of “Eureka!! from the assembled einstein wannabees followed by a chaotic charge for the bar…….


    Haughey was a crook, but a clever crook. At least he had the potential for greatness, and in another milieu, might have prospered.

    But Cowen? I used to think that the only positive thing that could be said about Cowen was that at least he was only the second-most embarrassing Prime Minister in the EU (that title being held by the buffoon Berlusconi).

    After the Morning Ireland debacle he can now take the title … the man and his ilk are even more ludicrous than Silvio


    The Chieftain was from Offa-lee,
    he was greater than you or than me.
    He threw a huge party,
    thought himself a great smarty,
    but the taxpayers will pick up the fee.

    I started a thread on

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