Fook Women

Mistakes Rock Gods make

If you want to be a guitar Adonis like meself and you don’t want to be a flash in t’pan, let me give one word of advice that will stand thee in good stead. Don’t get involved with a woman in the business. It’s t’bloody death knell

I almost fell into that trap back in ’81, when I were at the height of me career. I’d just come off tour with Black Arachnid and I were kicking back in The Burnt Spoon in Sheffield with me mate, Spikey Slocombe, from Death Slippers. The Spoon were always me local but they had to give me special room because me fans used to camp outside t’gaff.

Spikey went out to get us t’bevvies as usual when we needed them but come back in gasping for breath and trying t’bloody tell me summat. I had to chin the bugger to calm him down.

He said there was a tasty bird asking about me out in the bar. I’d just divorced me second wife and I hadn’t had a sniff of flange since I come off t’fookin tour, so I went out to see who it were. I looked around the bar and I couldn’t see any sign of a bird in there. I were about to go back in t’room and chin Spikey again when I heard a bit of argie coming from the snug.

I walked into the snug and there she was. Bloody vision. Wild, raven hair, seemed to bloody shimmer before me. Her elegant neck, the swell of her puppies against her fookin gown. Heidi Fuckface, bass player and Goddess from Satan’s Whores. I never seen her lookin so well. I bloody well had the bone for the lass immediately. She were arm-wrestling steel workers for free drink.

‘Miss Fuckface’, I said when I got me breath back, ‘I believe thee were looking for me.

‘Indeed I am,’ she replied, ‘Suzie Puke has left the band and we’ve got a gig in the Hammersmith Odeon tomorrow night. Fancy joining us?’

We went back to mine and, within minutes, were bloody consummating arrangement. After that, we were bloody joined at hip. Two months later we were married in Vegas.

Satan’s Whores broke up so Heidi started hanging out at the studio when the Arachnids were recording Drain Me Vein. I’d finally found a band that spoke me language and a bird that whacked me monkey just the way I like it.

Perfect, right?

Wrong.

Our bass player, Humper Hughes – bloody giant of a man – was considered to be the best in bloody business but Heidi didn’t like his groove on Tales of The Crimson Knob Warrior. I fookin loved that groove. Well, I told her to shut her yap. Hated to do it, but I had me reputation with the lads to think of. She chinned me but good and, when I got out of t’hospital, I asked the lads to let her play bass on the song. After a few days, Humper was relegated to playing t’triangle on Whip The Weak.

A meeting were held. I weren’t invited and next thing I know, I’m sacked and
she’s fronting t’band.

Me? Sacked? Bloody notion of it. Heidi got me collection of lump hammers in the divorce settlement n’all.

I didn’t bloody play for two years after that. Bloody women. Should have listened to me brother Eddie. He never got involved with women. Livin with his mate, Rex in San Francisco for the last twenty two years, is Eddie.

Don’t bloody get involved with women in the business.

7 thoughts on “Fook Women

  1. ” I’d just divorced me second wife and I hadn’t had a sniff of flange since I come off t’fookin tour.. and a bird that whacked me monkey just the way I like it”… haha.

    True Irate.. and don’t forget the Beatles. Weren’t that cause of Yoki.

  2. Thats right FME, wives and girlfriends were not allowed in the studio I believe. Lennon wanted her to have artistic input into the Beatles music, don’t think the others liked that. I was alluding to the theory some people have that Love had a part in Cobain’s murder.

  3. Lennon obviously didn’t have the chance to get the sound advice from Mr. Bottleneck.
    Don’t think Johnny would have composed something like Lennon’s “Woman”.

  4. “Don’t think Johnny would have composed something like Lennon’s “Woman”.

    Ah FME you obviously haven’t heard “I’m gonna love ya til your furry cup runeth over”
    from the “Subways of the soul” album. Absolute masterpiece.

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