I did me first radio interview back in ’64, when I was briefly involved with the Alan Pants Project and I were a fookin nervous wreck. I remember me old fella gave me advice down t’pub, ‘night before. He said, “lad, don’t thee let them tie you up with words”. Fookin useless cunt when he were bladdered, was me old fella.
At the time, I thought that he might actually have a point. What kind of bloody patter fookin snot, Edmond Farquhar. Bloody blue blood git.
As it happened, I were a bloody natural at the radio interview. He asked me if my guitar intro for Leather and Lace for the Queen of Blood part 2, was based on Ravel’s Bolero.
‘Loosely but not entirely. That is to say that, yes but not really’, I replied.
He tented his fingers under his chin and just nodded and the bullshit just flowed from me like a bloody tap. After a few of these, I didn’t even bother preparing for them. I’d turn up, they’d ask me some bloody stupid questions and I’d make shit up. The problems started after I did ‘bloody radio interview during my time as front man of The Bastards. I were bloody tanked going into that interview. Bloody threw up on Smiley Hogan before he even asked me a question.
T’interview didn’t last long, mind, because I chinned the git for suggesting that I grew my mole to look like Lemmy.
Radio and T.V are vital in the life of a rock God like meself and I they weren’t knocking me door in looking for interviews for a while. In my brief holiday from the life of an interviewee, I honed me skills. If I was going to do one more interview drunk, I was gonna do it right.
What follows is me top ten tips for doing a radio interview drunk.
1. Don’t knob the research assistant. They’ll bloody want to but don’t do it. To be fair, if you do, it won’t really affect the interview but you won’t know what questions the daft git of an interviewer might throw at thee cos he’s probably knobbing the assistant too.
2. If you’re going to throw a rope, do it before you knob the research assistant and definitely before you do the interview. It’s hard to come back from blowing chunks over the interviewer.
3. If you’ve woken up drunk and you have an interview in an hour, don’t bother trying to sober up. Have a swift half – and by half, I mean half a bottle of whiskey. If you try to be sober, you’ll just make things worse.
4. If the interviewer asks thee if you’re drunk, neither confirm nor deny. Just say something like, ‘my dad fought in Korea, mate!’. Makes sod all sense but it’ll take the average interviewer a while to recover.
5. Avoid using words like obviously, intrinsic, liquidity or somnambulate. Bloody orrible words to use when drunk.
6. Remember to avoid your usual sound bites, like, “It were a bloody seminal album for the rock era”. Sounds bloody easy but try and say that with a gallon of whiskey and 27 wife beaters. Keep it simple at all times.
7. Make the interviewer do the work. Answer as many questions as possible with, “yeah” or “cool”. If you’re feeling particularly brave, you can string them together and say, “yeah, cool” or “cool, yeah”. Do not omit the space between the words or thee’ll just sound like a fookin idiot.
8. If you’re asked about upcoming projects, stick to the facts. Do not, under any circumstances, tell them about your fantasy concept album about the naked dressmaker.
9. If they ask thee about any recent scandal, just use the following stock reply. Practice it. Let it come automatically: ‘don’t come the alfpence with me, ya git! I’m on bloody tour’. Again, it’s vague, dismissive and insulting without requiring you to speak too much.
10. This is a bloody vital tip. I almost fell foul of this once meself. If the interviewer is a bird, do not point to yer crotch and wink while she’s talking. She may be a bloody lesbian.
Right then, there ye have it. I’m off to barbeque Lady Gaga’s latest outfit. Y’know I preferred her when she were plain ol’ Darren Lightbody.