Sep 282010
 

Biffo and Batt launched their latest jargon-fest today: Trading and Investing in a Smart Economy.

Biffing and batting reality into submission, Biffman and Battman, in their new document, assure us that all is well, and before you can blink, we’ll have 300,000 new jobs thanks to the government’s favourite fairy godmother: the smart economy.

Oops.  It’s not the smart economy.  It’s the Smart Economy.

Battman’s report is Full Of Capitals as befitting a self-important old windbag waffler.

Apparently, the Strategy and Action Plan was drawn up by a High-Level Group.  Not just an ordinary high-level group, you understand, but a High-Level Group, whatever that is in this fucked-up little country.

Luckily, the strategy — sorry, Strategy — has many, many powerful buzz-words and phrases.

It’s going to be Integrated.  Things are going to be Optimised and Focused.  It’s going to be Fucking Great, going forward.

And, as if that’s not enough, it’s signed in Batt’s child-like scrawl.

Here it is.  Isn’t it nice, going forward?

You can just see the dreadful old waffler sticking his tongue out as he scratches his mark on the letter.

This old windbag is supposed to galvanise the nation into action?  Jesus Christ, the man doesn’t know his shiny arse from his overworked elbow, but sit him down at a piano and hell keep the crowd entertained until, eh, 3 in the morning?

4?  5?

Whoops, Batt, your cover is blown.  Batt and Biffo, coming to a hotel bar near you, real soon.  The Buffoon Brothers.

According to Batt’s report,

Sectors to be targeted include services, tourism, food, education, life sciences, software, Next  Generation Network-enabled sectors, green technology, construction and the built environment, creativity and design, and technologies for an ageing population (‘silver technologies’).

Lots of buzzwords in there, kids, and one horrible, patronising expression: silver technologies.  Would you like me to take a short break while you vomit?

Technologies for an ageing population.  Does this High-Level Group know something we don’t? Are people out there somewhere who are not ageing?  Of course, we in Ireland have a minister for older people, which is more of the same shite.  I know a two-week-old baby who’s older than one born yesterday.  What’s the minister for older people doing for two-week-old babies?

Here’s the bit I like.

Key strengths in the domestic enabling environment include our strong entrepreneurial culture, an educated and highly skilled workforce, the significant power of the Irish diaspora, a favourable taxation regime, a strong and transparent regulatory framework, EU membership, our track record in attracting FDI, our strong indigenous sector, and our reputation as a premium tourist destination.

Key challenges are in the areas of cost competitiveness, access, transport links, telecommunications infrastructure and banking links.

Ignore bullshit like domestic enabling environment.  Instead, have a good laugh at transparent regulatory framework, and strong indigenous sector.

Then have a look at the second paragraph, which is about obstacles, or challenges in the bloodless language of business-speak.

Our telecommunications infrastructure is a challenge.

No shit?  And why might that be?  Would it be because this government decided to sell off the most modern telecomm network in Europe to an asset-stripper, because they were too stupid to realise that we’d need a proper high-speed network when the internet exploded?

There are two possible answers to that question, and the wrong one is NO.

And who might that minister have been?  Why, none other than Mary O’Rourke, auntie of the current minister for finance.

How about this one?

Ireland’s international reputation has been under pressure arising from the national
economic downturn.

No.  It isn’t under pressure.  It’s gone. The whole world thinks we’re a bunch of crooks led by a drunk.

The Government’s high-level key objectives, to be achieved by 2015, are:

To increase the number of new jobs directly associated with exporting enterprises by over 150,000, in manufacturing, tourism and internationally trading services, with the creation of a similar number of new indirect jobs;

To increase the value of indigenous exports by 33%;

To diversify the destination of indigenous exports;

To increase overseas visitor numbers to 8 million; and

To secure an additional 780 inward investment projects through IDA Ireland.

Well ho-dee-ho-dee-fuckin-ho.  The power of wishful thinking.  Bertienomics.  780 investment projects, you might note.  Not 750 or 800 or even 1,000.

No indeed.  780.  Since they’re being that specific, they must have it all worked out by science and hard maths.  But wait!  780 additional inward investment projects?  You mean they don’t know anything about them yet?

Hmm.  So what’s with the 780, already?

Of course, we are guaranteed 300,000 new jobs thanks to this Integrated, High-Level Strategy going forward, and that’s something to be grateful for.  Isn’t it a good thing that Biffo and Batt had this idea just in the nick of time?  All that singing and smoking in the Ardilaun bar wasn’t a complete waste.

So how are they going to achieve this miracle?

Let’s go back to the report — sorry, Report.

Key actions to support the implementation of the Strategy include:

Developing a strong international reputation for Ireland in high-growth markets and repositioning our reputation in existing markets through a joined-up approach.

Developing cohesive marketing messages for distinct markets combining economic, tourism and cultural identities;

Developing and internationalising our enterprise base;

Developing Ireland as a hub for global high-technology enterprises and clusters;

Maximising the effectiveness of our overseas diplomatic and agency representatives in key markets; making effective use of EU diplomatic resources, the Irish diaspora and  country/state

specific collaborative agreements and fora;

Improving the environment for trade, tourism and investment by expanding our international access and air connectivity, and driving the deployment of next generation broadband

Internationalising our banking links; further developing our international network of tax treaties;

Aligning visa entry requirements with our trade, tourism and investment priorities;

Developing joint actions and partnerships with other countries to promote trade, investment, and market access.

Exploiting the potential of EU Free Trade Agreements and WTO trade agreements, while advancing the strategic interests of key indigenous sectors.

Fora, you know? Not forums. Fora. After all, Romani sumus, aren’t we? Do I detect the pedantic old hand of Batt the Bullshitter at work here?

This is fucking horseshit, designed to distract you from the utter disaster these cretins have made of the Irish economy.  More aspirational nonsense.

Look at the meaningless crap this High-Level-Group is using.

Repositioning our reputation  through a joined-up approach. What the fuck does that mean? Was it not joined up before? Don’t answer that.

Developing and internationalising our enterprise base. I ask again.  What the fuck does that mean?  WTFDTM?

Developing cohesive marketing messages for distinct/ markets … WTFDTM?

Guess what? Nobody believes this nonsense any more. Not the international markets, not our international trading partners and most of all, not the Irish people. This isn’t Haughey’s 80s where any old bullshitter could talk his way past a gullible public. This is Cowen’s and McCreevy’s 2010 Depression, and people are sick of hollow propaganda.

Batt and Biffo and all the other bullshitters are headed for the political high jump, and the sooner they walk off that cliff, the sooner we can start to create an honest, decent society.

It’s a pity they continue to insult our intelligence with this sort of nonsense. They must think we’re all fools.

Oh wait. Didn’t we re-elect them not too long ago?

__________________

Full report HERE

Also:

Finfacts

  39 Responses to “Trading and Investing in a Smart Economy — We’re All Saved”

Comments (39)
  1.  

    some good thorough analysis there…. Last time I voted, I bypassed the FF candidates, but the rest weren’t so hot either. I think we’re f**ked altogether……

  2.  

    Excellent. Though I couldn’t read the quotes. I mean I could read them but they made me feel ill and want to lie down so I’ll have to take your word for it that it was a load of shit.

  3.  

    Jesus I hope there are teams of psychiatric specialists heading for leinster house…these guys seem in bad condition in there.It sounds like the atmosphere in the Berlin bunker in 1945 with orders being issued to armies that no longer exist.

  4.  

    There’s little enough analysis in this post. I might get round to it if I can shake off the overwhelming urge to push things into my eyeballs every time I read something from this godawful government.

  5.  

    Unfortunately Anton Savage wasn’t up to the job as the proper questions were not asked but please listen to this muppet spouting the same muck! “The difference is that now it will be co-ordinated” does this mean that for the last 13 years it has been unco-ordinated and if so why?
    http://www.todayfm.com/Shows/Weekdays/Matt-Cooper/podcasting/LastWordPodcasts.aspx
    Go down to Mary Hanafin ( not on)

  6.  

    Most of this is devoid of any kind of sense whatsoever, the rest is, to put it mildly, worrying.

    “Internationalising our banking links; further developing our international network of tax treaties.” This would seem to imply:
    1) In the banking sector we’re going to go on doing what fucked us up so massively the last time.

    2) We’re going to continue offering dodgy tax schemes to allow transnational companies to go on laundering their profits through Irish letter-box subsidiaries. Wow, the EU neighbours, whose money is all that’s holding Ireland up at the moment, are really going to love this!

    As a member of the 1980s diaspora (and thus, according to this work of infinite wisdom, a resource), I’m becoming daily happier I never returned.

  7.  

    Complete & Utter Garbage! (See, writing it with capitals does give it a more authoritative air.)

    So all we have to do is persist with this shower of imbeciles until 2015, and unemployment will be lower than when we had “full employment” during the Bertie-Boom.

    It reminds me of the stories from the Economic War (FF’s first official attempt to bugger the country), when we had politicians threatening to bring Britain “to her knees”, as thousands boarded the boats every week.

    Well I’m off abroad next week, but I’ll be back to vote the shower of shits out at the election.

  8.  

    It’s very simple really, it will be
    Delivered by Santa Claus, all the shops are getting in on Christmas already, so, why not the Government.
    Funded by the Tooth Fairy, well…. there’s no one else left to get a bob from.
    Dependant on FDI from Never Never Land
    And, of course, we will all live, Happy Ever After.
    The End

  9.  

    Smart economy.
    That’s me F*cked then.

  10.  

    Going backwards, Batt O’ Keefe was the cruel gombeen who said that the women incarcerated in the hell holes called the magdalen laundries, where they were basically slaves, were ’employees’ of these institutions. The Irish government allowed these institutions to flourish since independence and had knowledge that women were being detained there indefinitely against their will.The man should have been sacked then.

    These women got no redress, no compensation, just more humiliation and cruelty from this horrible politician.O’ Keefe and the rest of Fianna Fail want to erase certain events from history. Going forward robustly with their bullshit, lies and best practice, conjuring up the next neo liberal scam or bubble.

  11.  

    That’s correct. In fairness to Batt, though, he is an idiot and a clown. I realise it’s no defence, but Batt is a half-wit. I wouldn’t put him in charge of a public toilet.

  12.  

    Fair play to you bock for running an excellent, intelligent blog.

  13.  

    Some woman from Limerick,if I recall correctly Eileen was her name,rang Joe Duffy on Monday to complain that the Minister for Waffling on and on without really saying anything,was heard to speak of millens(as in money) and STUdents(as opposed to stewdents as we say on this side). Trying to be all things to all people?
    Smell off Batts breath from talking out through his arse.
    Good post Bock,time these spivs were kicked out.

  14.  

    it’s like there’s a team in Dublin somewhere, writing out bullshit scripts…sort of hollywood fantasies and then gu-gu heads like Batto hit us with screenplays. We’re a misguided and patient poor people to be putting up with such bullshit. Thanks for the suss, Bock.

    I wonder what kind of odds would Paddy Power give on there being a revolution before 2012?

  15.  

    Batt shit insane. What in the name of Zod are life sciences anyways?Gravity? if you fall off a building you will traverse downwards at a a rate of knots and may/may not die? utter guff.

  16.  

    I know exactly how this wonderful piece of policy was issued. Biffo simply asked his campaign team to buy a Thought Leadership Article (THA) on the new New Economy. There’s a flourishing industry in this sort of thing, with all manner of THA’s being touted around by failed academics, disgraced public relations “executives” and, of course, disgraced politicians (too name but a few).

    This one in particular doesn’t look particular original, so it must have been an “off the shelf” THA full of gaps in the text which Biffo and Batty Boy filled with key phrases. The actual phrases were given to them on laminated cardboard (much like the game my teacher would make me play in second year of primary school).

    If anyone has time today, they should take any four paragraphs from the press release about the mythical 300,000 new jobs and rejig them in the style of, say, a football manager, police officer, doctor, Sinn Fein local official, traffic warden, Limerick councilor explaining why they are building over green space….

  17.  

    Apparently we are going to get Smart Schools too. They’d want to be careful with that, or maybe in 20 years we’ll have a Smart Electorate.

  18.  

    It’s all Smart Bullshit from Battman and Biffman…. The government agencies are currently on order to try to create press events where even the daft and the dumb projects get publicity so that they can “announce” jobs. None of this is for real. The cheque is never written. Nobody is ever hired. I don’t understand how the People of Ireland can put up with this.

  19.  

    Great. More jobs for the boys.

  20.  

    I think now is the time for everybody to rewatch the classic movie Brazil

  21.  

    Irish Times front page news: Taoiseach announces plan to generate 150 000 jobs

    Question: Does he really need his own brewery?

  22.  

    So we’re all OK then; right?

  23.  

    The only jobs created were for another quango that was set up.
    By the way did I hear right we have eleven organizations in charge of job creation.
    So now we have twelve.

  24.  

    When Batt O’Keeffe learns how to do joined-up writing, I’ll believe what he says about joined-up thinking. That’s the scrawl of a 4 year-old, for fuck sake.

    I did enjoy the FG spokesman’s response (can’t remember who it was); asking if the 300,000 jobs were in addition to the 150,000 they dreamed up last week in some other strategic report and dismissing the whole thing as a farce. Why can’t we have more sarcasm in public life, I always wonder. It’s so effective.

    Nice work, Bock. I hope some people actually read this blog. (What are the latest stats on that little matter anyway?)

  25.  

    They’re very good, thanks for asking.

  26.  

    Sorry off topic.

    Just saw this on YouTube.

    Best laugh I’ve had in a while.

    Not an exact quote but ……

    “Do you feel that this morning’s action is just the people of Ireland like they are of taking it in the arse for the banks?”

    @ 2:05

  27.  

    That’s great news, Bock. Don’t forget us when you’re rich.

    I suppose you’re part of the smart economy then, what with you using compuhers and all. So then, we’ve only got 299,999 jobs to go. Batt-shit must be proud of you, since he invented the next-generation network enabler. He enabled you; you would be nothing without Batt-shit. I’m sure you’re humbled by that realisation.

  28.  

    god its like comical ali saying there was no americans in baghdad. the gates are behind him and are clearly intact. you can see why everything is done half arse by our politicians. if they can’t tell the difference between a guy driving up to a gate and parking in front of them, and a guy driving a truck through the gates, you can see how they could not tell the difference between regulated and unregulated banks.

  29.  

    haha. Good one RB.
    Answer to the question, ” I think one person, one person has driven a lorry up de gates of de parliment heare. Obviously that particular person must be very frustrated, must be very upset at something”

    Well, what the hell is this something I wonder? Noel, it’s written on the fucking truck, you muppet.
    @ 3:13 “Everything in this country is working, it’s just a little slower than normal”. Story of your life hey Noel, – you’re just a little slower than normal.
    Nice mic she’s got there.

  30.  

    FME

    I’m not faniliar with the two muppets.

    But as Miley would say .. “Well Holy God”.

    These people are so stupid they don’t realise they’re talking shite to a plastic cock.

  31.  

    Fme

    Oh, forgot to say.

    “These people are so stupid they don’t realise they’re talking shite to a plastic cock.”

    They probably thought it was a new device.

    Something to do with the “Smart Knowledge Economy”.

  32.  

    FME

    On second thoughts. Maybe they did know.

    Maybe thet’re just a couple of cunts.

  33.  

    Me thinks they’re just a little slower than normal, RB. :) Did you see the smile on the dopes face as he said it – “everything in dis country is working, it’s just a little slower than normal”. They can’t even take themselves seriously. Clowns.

  34.  

    FME

    I did see that.

    “everything in dis country is working, it’s just a little slower than normal”.

    And what I thought about that immediately was that these two fuckers know that “something” isn’t exactly right.

    These plastic cock suckers are so stupid they are happy to have a plastic cock shoved in their face and gobble on it. After all it’s the first time anybody, beyond the medical card holders that vote for them, has ever bothered to ask them a question.

    Here’s another little gem of a plastic cock sucker.

    Straight from Fine Gale. @ 0:25

    “Well I think it was quite shocking I think that people we’re really concerned that a very serious incident could have occurred …”

    That’s right. Another plastic cock sucker.

    Shove a plastic cock in front of Fine Gale and they’ll say …………

    “I think people are very concerned”

    “Very serious”

    “Incident”

    But wait. There’s more.

    @ 0:40

    “But eh, but I was delighted that someone wasn’t killed or severely injured in what could have been a very serious incident.”

    Now that is a pure plastic cock sucker.

    But wait. There’s more.

    @ 1:00

    “I don’t (blah blah avoid avoid) I wasn’t there I didn’t see it”.

    Plastic cock sucker.

    The journalist says.

    “You just made a statement about it but you didn’t see it” ….. “Is this what we are going to expect from Fine Gale, more statements that aren’t based on fact”.

    Al long as the Irish people keep electing cock suckers they will get the Government they deserve.

  35.  

    I see Battman has declared Mallow as our new HQ for the knowledge economy.
    irelands CERN
    Bill Cullen is sending down several baboons from Dublin Zoo , sorry apprentices, to spearhead the project.
    Batt says the project will create 25 million jobs for the Mallow region.
    “This will be a sucess” promised Batt.

  36.  

    What i want to know is how these 2 dreaming drunks can hope to create a smart economy by cutting investment in education. Next thing they will be teaching people how to drive by repossessing their cars (which will then be sold internationally to raise more money for our banks and FFs back pockets). As for plans to create 300,000 new jobs, all well and good but offset it against how many are currently unemployed (442,400 from what i can read on the CSO website) 300,000 jobs would be good but its not even close to how many have been lost.

  37.  

    These guys are now thinking and talking exclusively in slogans and sound-bites. All critical faculties have been switched off.

    There is nobody at the wheel.

  38.  

    during the week, they were also talking about launching Dublin as the Design Capital of the World 2014… We’d better get Smart Pants and Shave our Souls.

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