Biffo and Batt launched their latest jargon-fest today: Trading and Investing in a Smart Economy.
Biffing and batting reality into submission, Biffman and Battman, in their new document, assure us that all is well, and before you can blink, we’ll have 300,000 new jobs thanks to the government’s favourite fairy godmother: the smart economy.
Oops. It’s not the smart economy. It’s the Smart Economy.
Battman’s report is Full Of Capitals as befitting a self-important old windbag waffler.
Apparently, the Strategy and Action Plan was drawn up by a High-Level Group. Not just an ordinary high-level group, you understand, but a High-Level Group, whatever that is in this fucked-up little country.
Luckily, the strategy — sorry, Strategy — has many, many powerful buzz-words and phrases.
It’s going to be Integrated. Things are going to be Optimised and Focused. It’s going to be Fucking Great, going forward.
And, as if that’s not enough, it’s signed in Batt’s child-like scrawl.
Here it is. Isn’t it nice, going forward?
You can just see the dreadful old waffler sticking his tongue out as he scratches his mark on the letter.
This old windbag is supposed to galvanise the nation into action? Jesus Christ, the man doesn’t know his shiny arse from his overworked elbow, but sit him down at a piano and hell keep the crowd entertained until, eh, 3 in the morning?
Whoops, Batt, your cover is blown. Batt and Biffo, coming to a hotel bar near you, real soon. The Buffoon Brothers.
According to Batt’s report,
Sectors to be targeted include services, tourism, food, education, life sciences, software, Next Generation Network-enabled sectors, green technology, construction and the built environment, creativity and design, and technologies for an ageing population (‘silver technologies’).
Lots of buzzwords in there, kids, and one horrible, patronising expression: silver technologies. Would you like me to take a short break while you vomit?
Technologies for an ageing population. Does this High-Level Group know something we don’t? Are people out there somewhere who are not ageing? Of course, we in Ireland have a minister for older people, which is more of the same shite. I know a two-week-old baby who’s older than one born yesterday. What’s the minister for older people doing for two-week-old babies?
Here’s the bit I like.
Key strengths in the domestic enabling environment include our strong entrepreneurial culture, an educated and highly skilled workforce, the significant power of the Irish diaspora, a favourable taxation regime, a strong and transparent regulatory framework, EU membership, our track record in attracting FDI, our strong indigenous sector, and our reputation as a premium tourist destination.
Key challenges are in the areas of cost competitiveness, access, transport links, telecommunications infrastructure and banking links.
Ignore bullshit like domestic enabling environment. Instead, have a good laugh at transparent regulatory framework, and strong indigenous sector.
Then have a look at the second paragraph, which is about obstacles, or challenges in the bloodless language of business-speak.
Our telecommunications infrastructure is a challenge.
No shit? And why might that be? Would it be because this government decided to sell off the most modern telecomm network in Europe to an asset-stripper, because they were too stupid to realise that we’d need a proper high-speed network when the internet exploded?
There are two possible answers to that question, and the wrong one is NO.
And who might that minister have been? Why, none other than Mary O’Rourke, auntie of the current minister for finance.
How about this one?
Ireland’s international reputation has been under pressure arising from the national
No. It isn’t under pressure. It’s gone. The whole world thinks we’re a bunch of crooks led by a drunk.
The Government’s high-level key objectives, to be achieved by 2015, are:
To increase the number of new jobs directly associated with exporting enterprises by over 150,000, in manufacturing, tourism and internationally trading services, with the creation of a similar number of new indirect jobs;
To increase the value of indigenous exports by 33%;
To diversify the destination of indigenous exports;
To increase overseas visitor numbers to 8 million; and
To secure an additional 780 inward investment projects through IDA Ireland.
Well ho-dee-ho-dee-fuckin-ho. The power of wishful thinking. Bertienomics. 780 investment projects, you might note. Not 750 or 800 or even 1,000.
No indeed. 780. Since they’re being that specific, they must have it all worked out by science and hard maths. But wait! 780 additional inward investment projects? You mean they don’t know anything about them yet?
Hmm. So what’s with the 780, already?
Of course, we are guaranteed 300,000 new jobs thanks to this Integrated, High-Level Strategy going forward, and that’s something to be grateful for. Isn’t it a good thing that Biffo and Batt had this idea just in the nick of time? All that singing and smoking in the Ardilaun bar wasn’t a complete waste.
So how are they going to achieve this miracle?
Let’s go back to the report — sorry, Report.
Key actions to support the implementation of the Strategy include:
Developing a strong international reputation for Ireland in high-growth markets and repositioning our reputation in existing markets through a joined-up approach.
Developing cohesive marketing messages for distinct markets combining economic, tourism and cultural identities;
Developing and internationalising our enterprise base;
Developing Ireland as a hub for global high-technology enterprises and clusters;
Maximising the effectiveness of our overseas diplomatic and agency representatives in key markets; making effective use of EU diplomatic resources, the Irish diaspora and country/state
specific collaborative agreements and fora;
Improving the environment for trade, tourism and investment by expanding our international access and air connectivity, and driving the deployment of next generation broadband
Internationalising our banking links; further developing our international network of tax treaties;
Aligning visa entry requirements with our trade, tourism and investment priorities;
Developing joint actions and partnerships with other countries to promote trade, investment, and market access.
Exploiting the potential of EU Free Trade Agreements and WTO trade agreements, while advancing the strategic interests of key indigenous sectors.
Fora, you know? Not forums. Fora. After all, Romani sumus, aren’t we? Do I detect the pedantic old hand of Batt the Bullshitter at work here?
This is fucking horseshit, designed to distract you from the utter disaster these cretins have made of the Irish economy. More aspirational nonsense.
Look at the meaningless crap this High-Level-Group is using.
Repositioning our reputation through a joined-up approach. What the fuck does that mean? Was it not joined up before? Don’t answer that.
Developing and internationalising our enterprise base. I ask again. What the fuck does that mean? WTFDTM?
Developing cohesive marketing messages for distinct/ markets … WTFDTM?
Guess what? Nobody believes this nonsense any more. Not the international markets, not our international trading partners and most of all, not the Irish people. This isn’t Haughey’s 80s where any old bullshitter could talk his way past a gullible public. This is Cowen’s and McCreevy’s 2010 Depression, and people are sick of hollow propaganda.
Batt and Biffo and all the other bullshitters are headed for the political high jump, and the sooner they walk off that cliff, the sooner we can start to create an honest, decent society.
It’s a pity they continue to insult our intelligence with this sort of nonsense. They must think we’re all fools.
Oh wait. Didn’t we re-elect them not too long ago?
Full report HERE