There's something you should know, said the elder child.
What's that? I sneered.
You're growing a bit of a mullet.
You are, concurred the Bullet, and they both laughed out loud at me.
I fixed them with a glittering eye. Really?
Yes, they said, in imperfect harmony.
That would explain it, I told them.
Explain what? They were taken off balance.
It would explain what's been happening to me all week.
What?
Welll, it would explain this irrational impulse to sing Achy Brakey Heart.
It's true, said Bullet. He's doing it all the time.
And, I added, there's a new gun-rack in my pick-up. What's more, I have inexplicably developed the ability to play the pedal steel guitar.
That's not a good sign, said No 1 Child.
Not a good sign at all, said Bullet.
Would you like to hear a few bars of the Streets of Bakersfield?
Sedate him, said Bullet. I'll call the doctor.
So they gave me a quadruple Jack Daniel's, but by the time the sawbones arrived, I was out on the front porch stripping down an old engine and dickering with the preacher about a wedding with my first cousin. I'm talking to the National Enquirer about my most recent alien abduction. I'm fixing a puncture on my house. I'm praying to the Lord.
It's not looking good.
So, said the Doc. What seems to be the prob — Aaaarrggghhh!!
What is it, Doc? said my children.
The doctor sat down on his bag and wiped his brow with a big silk handkerchief. His moustache trembled. It's the worst case of Billy-Ray Virus I've ever seen. That mullet is appalling.
Billy-Ray Virus, they repeated. Never heard of it.
It's like Tom Jones Syndrome, only more virulent.
Never heard of Tom Jones Syndrome either.
Oh, it's not unusual, said the Doc, but Billy-Ray Virus affects more of your life.
Give it to us straight, Doc, said Bullet. How long has he got?
The news isn't good, replied the Doc. He'll live to 93. But it's always fatal.
How does it — ? How does it, eh, sob, end life? ventured my heartbroken daughter.
The doctor shook his head. It's always the same. Sufferers are beaten to death with a pool cue in a vicious bar-room brawl. There's no known cure.
So that's it, my friends. You're the first to know.
I figured there was something a bit off kilter; so that's it! I was worried there for a bit but this should be manageable.
You could opt for an assisted suicide.
Billhicksiation for example.
Found this also by browsing. Great post – I think that it deserves more than two responses – at least three. Is this a take off on a local TV show or something?
I caught the "it's not unusual" allusion in the Tom Jones Syndrome – guess that shows how old I am. Missed any other ones though, if they're there.