This fucking dog is driving me mad.
I know you haven’t heard about the bastard for a while, but he hasn’t gone away, you know.
He has not gone away.
He’s a small dog, but all the more savage for it, and also very intelligent. This is not a good combination, small, savage and smart, even if it does sound like a firm of Nama lawyers.
No indeed. Not a good combination.
Where I live, there is a great amount of perimeter. A combination of walls and hedges. And over the years, as various policemen, bailiffs and irate neighbours came to my door, I have had to seal up the gaps through which the Hound of Satan escapes.
You see, this is no ordinary dog, but a deep thinker of his calling. A dog who takes dogness seriously. This is a small dog who thinks nothing of attacking the three Dobermann Pinschers we meet on the river-bank, held back by a tattooed body-builder skinhead. This dog attacks trucks. A neighbour ran over this fucking dog two or three years ago with a big bastard of a jeep and did no damage at all, except the ridiculous cost of a night in the vet’s.
He costs me a fortune when he gets sick.
I came home the other day to find the dog attacking the bin-men when he was supposed to be securely locked away, since the last time I found an escape route and secured it. Bastard. The postman was off in the distance, rubbing his ankle and shaking his fist at me.
This is not good.
What to do?
What will I do? I asked Parkenstein.
How the fuck would I know? he answered helpfully. Video?
Parkenstein, you’re a genius.
And so I set up the video camera, pointing towards the corner where I suspected the Hound of Satan was escaping, and I drove off.
When I came back, the Hound was waiting for me at the front door.
Where’s that video? What does it show? Was I wrong?
I was not. Gentle and lithe as a cat, there’s the dog, climbing the wall, walking to the end, hopping onto the edge of a sheet of plywood no more than half an inch wide, balancing on it, turning around and leaping into the neighbour’s garden.
This is not an ordinary dog.
I hate this animal and yet, in a strange hate-filled way, I also admire it.
Would you like an extremely aggressive, highly intelligent small dog with a good sense of balance and the ability to climb walls? I guarantee you’ll have no rats.